[lordkrandel]

It's 6 AM. My wife's away for work, I didn't digest a pizza, I have dishes to do before the plumber comes at 8, a gift package to collect at some UPS point at 7, some residual burnout due to too many things to do in the last week, month, year, years, and a Monster energy drink yesterday which has completely blown up my metabolism. I'm on Discord looking for humans, you know, a little irrational, non-conformant human beings. That spark of chaos that brings curiosity back in and depression out. I've been struggling all life with minor depression, I'm 38. A developer who hasn't done any career. I remember times being younger nerding at night learning Linux with no regrets , or when I was playing in a videogames' music band. It's not what I do, it's the degree of freedom that I felt in doing it. Now I could play bass again but it would not be the same. But I'll tell you, keep on searching and fighting. Life is a journey, you'll never know where you'll end up. Things come unexpected

[adantical]

> That spark of chaos that brings curiosity back in and depression out. > It's not what I do, it's the degree of freedom that I felt in doing it.

This rings true to me. In the depths of depression, I find that curiosity gets replaced with a self-fulfilling, self-defeating, yet overly self-confident prophecy -- that every new experience will just be a rebranding of something I've already experienced. I'm sorry to hear you've struggled in a similar way, but happy to hear you've found hope somewhere in the chaos. Thank you for the wisdom.

[lordkrandel]

These mental blocking mechanisms are symptoms of your brain rejecting something in your present or past. You really have to surrender first, lower your defenses, or the cortisol will always make you feel lacking, in danger, void. But you don't need this, it's just harming you, surrender, be vile, don't overjudge. Listen to Wreckage by Entombed. We already failed when we were born, imperfect from the start.

[hxugufjfjf]

This is the reason why travel does not appeal to me the way it seems to for most people. Its still me travelling. Cynical and self-defeating, I know.

[JetAlone]

Hope you got those dishes done, man.

[lordkrandel]

Yep, done, finished at 7.10.