[onlyrealcuzzo]

As all of my friends start to have kids, I'm noticing that they are basically completely different people.

It's almost as if 90% of their brain is dedicated solely to making sure their children are safe and looked after. It's like - at any moment - they think their children could just spontaneously combust or something. And I'm not talking infants. These are like 3 & 4 year olds...

As a non-parent, this is so bizarre. We all grew up with parents that weren't perfect, and we all ended up just fine.

I'm not sure if this is what's always happened to people when they become parents or if it's something new.

But the complete irrationality of their constant fears - something MUST have happened to their brains.

[sharkweek]

I’ve got two ankle biters right now and I feel:

1) a little bit dumber than I used to be

2) a lot more tired than I used to be, even after a rare full night sleep

3) a lot less self serving than I used to be

4) a lot more anxious than I used to be (which was already pretty high). I definitely visualize the “worst case scenario” in every situation I’m in

5) (stealth edit in) a lot less career motivated than I used to be. I predict this returns when the kids are older but maybe not

All that to say: yes, my brain has definitely rewired itself.

Also I used to think parents whose kids were throwing a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store were doing a bad job but now I get it.

[defrost]

Kids will literally try anything as part of exploring the world and seeing what haapens - that's how they learn.

The first time they throw a tantrum to get something just walk away and don't buckle .. especially if it's in a very public place.

Avoid providing feedback that throwing a fit in public will bend you to their will and it won't happen much more.

[notch656a]

How do you "walk away" from a screaming toddler in public? In my experience the toddler will follow you to make sure they're screaming in your face. If they somehow actually do get separated, they'll go into an even worse meltdown from the separation anxiety and if someone sees you walk away from the child (in a meaningful way that would no longer let them scream in your face) you may get investigated from CPS.

Personally I don't indulge tantrums but that doesn't make them stop. I assume the child does it to punish me to try and make me feel as bad as they do, as she seems to understand the tantrum won't result in me actually doing anything. Like a tic-for-tac, not as a way to actually get something (she knows I don't give anything or really acknowledge a tantrum).

If you got a toddler to make tantrums 'not happen much anymore' I think either you have an exceptional child or they just grew old enough to grow out of it.

[defrost]

I have no idea what you do in whatever country you're in .. I personally have just told them I'll be in the next aisle and walked away.

It's worked fine with my own children, my grandchildren, and various nieces and nephews.

I agree that the the "not indulging" in tantrums doesn't make them stop on a dime .. but they peter out faster and anecdotally appear less frequently in the future.

It's good to have cool calm collected kids down the track so you can teach them to pull molten glass from a 1000C furnace when they're five, to use an angle grinder safely at nine, and start driving by ten.

None of these offspring of mine are exceptional BTW, they're kind of typical for rural WA (W.Australia).

[notch656a]

Good on you I guess. Appreciate the good faith advice.

I'm 100% sure my kid would just start ripping and destroying the items on the shelving in that aisle. And that if the child were seen unsupervised in the aisle, at best the kid would be taken to the front and at worst police would be called (my country, USA, is extremely paranoid about children which means even if you are not paranoid about your kid you have to be paranoid about CPS and the criminal charges).

At any rate I wish more places were mroe like rural Australia in that regard. Even relatively minor independence for young children is effectively illegal in much of the US.

[defrost]

> I'm 100% sure my kid would just start ripping and destroying the items on the shelving in that aisle.

You think .. but you don't actualy know is what I hear you saying :-)

In my experience small people indulge in a lot of performance art for the benefit of the faces they recognise in order to gather reactions and learn from that feedback - not as a front of brain delibrate strategy, more as innate "born to learn" pattern.

If you get in a Mexican standoff with you're own kid you're almost certainly going to lose .. I know I would with mine .. you start "daring them" not to do something and they'll start inching that jar ever closer to the edge until it drops.

"Young enough" kids will generally pull into best behaviour in a sea of faces they don't recognise, that's pretty much the time that you have a window to treat poor behaviour by simply walking away.

After that period they're more confident in front of strangers AND (uh-oh) understand that behaviour not seen by you is still behaviour known by you .. and that can manipulate you.

Child-parent relations are a non stop conveyor of escalating mirror awareness | peek-a-boo interactions .. and then puberty hits and you're into full Cold War MAD scenarios :-).

But yeah, independence for kids is pretty essential, it's good to have them walking | riding to school, looking after pets, growing food, building radios etc.

[dspillett]

> 2) a lot more tired than I used to be, even after a rare full night sleep

I suspect any drop in cognitive ability is largely a symptom of this, not a permanent rewiring.

Many non-parents experience memory, concentration, computation, and anxiety problems, when operating under the pressure of low (or low quality) sleep.

[tylerc230]

There’s a lot of multitasking with kids which I don’t think is healthy for the mind. Also I never have quiet moments to reflect which is when I make connections, mentally piece things together etc.

[dspillett]

Is this where you tell me "bit it is worth it really" and I politely ask "really?" in a tone that suggests I'm never likely to believe that?!

[Auracle]

All hail the magical porcelain throne.

[barbazoo]

Lots of wisdom in here, thanks for sharing.

[iambateman]

As the parent of a three year old…I promise it’s more rational than you think.

Children that age have the _potential_ to do a lot of damage and no _foresight_ whatsoever. They literally cannot see the potential consequences of running into the street.

It’s fine to not understand, but please think twice about calling something you don’t understand “irrational.”

[clutchdude]

You would not believe what a 3 yo can do in the span of minutes, especially when they decide to try and do something they previously could not do.

There is a constant on-edge aspect where you find out in the span of a minute they can:

- open or climb over a gate to the stairs - reach on the counter to grab a glass jar - open a door by grasping the door knob

> we all ended up just fine.

It's probably once bitten, twice shy - every parent screws up and then remembers that one accident.

[SamoyedFurFluff]

Honestly at 3 & 4 children will do the wildest stuff and I wouldn’t be surprised a parent has a head on a swivel for stupid kid nonsense at that point, by 4 you have a bachelors degree in “my child will handle/eat animal shit for no reason”. Children at that age are not capable of rational thinking, emotional regulation, and have no real sense of danger or stakes.

[Waterluvian]

One of my favourite moments of fatherhood was at a playground this summer. Someone’s kid was doing something precarious on the monkey bars as I sat quietly with other dads minding our own business.

The girl began to wobble and myself and two other dads, without coordination or communication all instinctively began to lunge towards her (maybe 15 feet away).

We barely got two steps before we harnessed ourselves, noticed what happened and had a laugh. Then went back to being hermits.

I really felt like I was part of this ancient order. We didn’t know each other and yet we all understood each other.

[mehphp]

> I really felt like I was part of this ancient order. We didn’t know each other and yet we all understood each other.

I mean, we kind of are, right?

[notch656a]

You're a braver man than me. I never ever touch children I don't know (as a man), doesn't matter how compelling the reason. I assume no matter how good my intentions I will be sued / police called / crucified. Doubly so if it is a child of the opposite sex.

[shawnb576]

This is 1000% true and this thread really underscores now non parents simply cannot fathom parent behavior.

I couldn’t, I had these same ignorant ideas based on my fleeting, non-accountable contact with small kids.

Now let me tell you about the time my 10 month old, in the blink of an eye, managed to get a handful of her own poo into her mouth.

The struggle is real.

[angstrom]

I climbed 40ft up the outside of a silo without a ladder. Kids do the dumbest shit.

[cjohnson318]

Preparing every meal for your kids, getting them to and from daycare, negotiating over every single thing you ask them to do, doing dishes, doing laundry, fixing drywall, etc. it's a lot of work. You can't just roll out of bed, get to work, work all day, then come home and work or unwind or whatever like you used to; you're "on" all the time, for years, and you squeeze some work in when you can so that you don't have to eat cat food when you're older.

[germinalphrase]

“We all grew up with parents that weren't perfect, and we all ended up just fine”

Plenty of us didn’t.

[Waterluvian]

Love happened. And maybe that’s a purely physical thing like brain shrinkage or whatever.

I’ve loved before. But once my first came things were very different. It was a new kind of love. I suddenly had such a clear mission in life: protect and nurture this baby.

I definitely changed.

[makeitdouble]

Father here. Yes, it was the biggest change in my whole life. I could switch career and become a plumber it wouldn't be as radical.

If you don't believe in letting natural selection sort if you child will get past 2 yo, you 'll either recenter your whole environment and routines around the kid, or spend 90% or your time make sure they don't stab themselves with your antique knives collection or soldering iron.

Fo that for a few years and you won't be switching back to what you were before just because your kid can now read your phone password from your finger movements from across the room.

I think the same thing happens when you're looking after your elderly parents.

PS: > We all grew up with parents that weren't perfect, and we all ended up just fine.

I talked to my parents a while after my kids were out of the "let's gob anything that can fit in my face hole", and I also basically robbed a few years of their life where they basically frozr their career and couldn't do much outside of making sure we're not dying. Some parents forget how hard it was though (and it's normal. Your brain is really in a bad state all that time)

[uup]

Lots of people have already given you plenty of opinions, but I’ll add one more: I love thinking about my child. Making her life amazing and safe makes me feel good.

[lr4444lr]

You didn't know your parents before they became parents, and as a child, did not have the EQ anyway to read their personas. Also, a mobile and curious 3 or 4 year old is a LOT more stressful than age 0-1.

[drekipus]

As a new parent I would say that it's new. With the amount of stuff marketed to parents, constant social media, and people enjoying the spotlight/karma when they exaggerate a story, impossible to not have a concern.

"This pram needs to have suspension system. What if you got a pot hole too hard and the baby bounces out and hits the ground causing brain damage? Happened to a cousin."

I see this and push back on my wife almost every day (I don't have social media, so I'm blissfully unaware of what dangers lurk)

[artificialLimbs]

I have 'daydream'ish visions maybe weekly to monthly about my children (particularly the 4yo, less so the 1yo) being horrifically killed in various manners. Sometimes while I'm not even anywhere near them, but more often when they're in proximity. It's (mostly) completely irrational. Maybe the brain sees them doing so much dumb shit that you can't help but imagine the possibilities.

Never happened with other family/friends before.

[ekianjo]

3 years old can still put themselves in danger faster than you think.

[lahvak]

I must say that none of my kids ever managed to spontaneously combust, but it wasn't from lack of trying.

[gsatic]

It's not just the brain. Level of hormones change too in both mom and dad. Sort of a second puberty.

[dereg]

You'll get it when you have kids.