[sharkweek]

I’ve got two ankle biters right now and I feel:

1) a little bit dumber than I used to be

2) a lot more tired than I used to be, even after a rare full night sleep

3) a lot less self serving than I used to be

4) a lot more anxious than I used to be (which was already pretty high). I definitely visualize the “worst case scenario” in every situation I’m in

5) (stealth edit in) a lot less career motivated than I used to be. I predict this returns when the kids are older but maybe not

All that to say: yes, my brain has definitely rewired itself.

Also I used to think parents whose kids were throwing a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store were doing a bad job but now I get it.

[defrost]

Kids will literally try anything as part of exploring the world and seeing what haapens - that's how they learn.

The first time they throw a tantrum to get something just walk away and don't buckle .. especially if it's in a very public place.

Avoid providing feedback that throwing a fit in public will bend you to their will and it won't happen much more.

[notch656a]

How do you "walk away" from a screaming toddler in public? In my experience the toddler will follow you to make sure they're screaming in your face. If they somehow actually do get separated, they'll go into an even worse meltdown from the separation anxiety and if someone sees you walk away from the child (in a meaningful way that would no longer let them scream in your face) you may get investigated from CPS.

Personally I don't indulge tantrums but that doesn't make them stop. I assume the child does it to punish me to try and make me feel as bad as they do, as she seems to understand the tantrum won't result in me actually doing anything. Like a tic-for-tac, not as a way to actually get something (she knows I don't give anything or really acknowledge a tantrum).

If you got a toddler to make tantrums 'not happen much anymore' I think either you have an exceptional child or they just grew old enough to grow out of it.

[defrost]

I have no idea what you do in whatever country you're in .. I personally have just told them I'll be in the next aisle and walked away.

It's worked fine with my own children, my grandchildren, and various nieces and nephews.

I agree that the the "not indulging" in tantrums doesn't make them stop on a dime .. but they peter out faster and anecdotally appear less frequently in the future.

It's good to have cool calm collected kids down the track so you can teach them to pull molten glass from a 1000C furnace when they're five, to use an angle grinder safely at nine, and start driving by ten.

None of these offspring of mine are exceptional BTW, they're kind of typical for rural WA (W.Australia).

[notch656a]

Good on you I guess. Appreciate the good faith advice.

I'm 100% sure my kid would just start ripping and destroying the items on the shelving in that aisle. And that if the child were seen unsupervised in the aisle, at best the kid would be taken to the front and at worst police would be called (my country, USA, is extremely paranoid about children which means even if you are not paranoid about your kid you have to be paranoid about CPS and the criminal charges).

At any rate I wish more places were mroe like rural Australia in that regard. Even relatively minor independence for young children is effectively illegal in much of the US.

[defrost]

> I'm 100% sure my kid would just start ripping and destroying the items on the shelving in that aisle.

You think .. but you don't actualy know is what I hear you saying :-)

In my experience small people indulge in a lot of performance art for the benefit of the faces they recognise in order to gather reactions and learn from that feedback - not as a front of brain delibrate strategy, more as innate "born to learn" pattern.

If you get in a Mexican standoff with you're own kid you're almost certainly going to lose .. I know I would with mine .. you start "daring them" not to do something and they'll start inching that jar ever closer to the edge until it drops.

"Young enough" kids will generally pull into best behaviour in a sea of faces they don't recognise, that's pretty much the time that you have a window to treat poor behaviour by simply walking away.

After that period they're more confident in front of strangers AND (uh-oh) understand that behaviour not seen by you is still behaviour known by you .. and that can manipulate you.

Child-parent relations are a non stop conveyor of escalating mirror awareness | peek-a-boo interactions .. and then puberty hits and you're into full Cold War MAD scenarios :-).

But yeah, independence for kids is pretty essential, it's good to have them walking | riding to school, looking after pets, growing food, building radios etc.

[dspillett]

> 2) a lot more tired than I used to be, even after a rare full night sleep

I suspect any drop in cognitive ability is largely a symptom of this, not a permanent rewiring.

Many non-parents experience memory, concentration, computation, and anxiety problems, when operating under the pressure of low (or low quality) sleep.

[tylerc230]

There’s a lot of multitasking with kids which I don’t think is healthy for the mind. Also I never have quiet moments to reflect which is when I make connections, mentally piece things together etc.

[dspillett]

Is this where you tell me "bit it is worth it really" and I politely ask "really?" in a tone that suggests I'm never likely to believe that?!

[Auracle]

All hail the magical porcelain throne.

[barbazoo]

Lots of wisdom in here, thanks for sharing.