[erikstarck]

If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages" yet and are in a relationship, then I highly suggest you do. It might save it before it's too late.

And just to make this slightly more startup-related as well: as team members, we also have "love languages", ways we communicate respect and appreciation to each other. Sometimes we speak different languages and don't understand each other. That breaks the team.

[bena]

I'd recommend people don't. Mostly because people read stuff like that and extrospect rather than introspect. "How can I get my partner to speak my love language?" rather than "What is my partner's love language?"

Everything becomes another tool of manipulation. "My love language is 'acts of service', so if you don't take out the trash, you don't love me." That's just straight up emotional manipulation.

Whereas it should be "My husband prepares my coffee and oats every morning. This is how he shows he loves me."

In the first, it's all about how one can use a concept to get what you want. In the second, it's about recognizing what's already being given and what it means.

There should be a rule, where you can learn about this and other concepts, but you are never allowed to talk about it with people you have a relationship with.

[em-bee]

if someone is using love as a tool for emotional manipulation they will be doing that already before they read the book. at best the book helps them to come up with that phrase. but not reading it won't prevent them from doing it.

on the contrary, if you both read the book together then you will both become aware that this is happening and you can do something about it.

There should be a rule, where you can learn about this and other concepts, but you are never allowed to talk about it with people you have a relationship with.

that sounds just about like the worst idea i have read in this whole thread today. it is exactly the not talking about these concepts that will enable the manipulation that you fear. to avoid manipulation you need to have this knowledge out in the open.

[bena]

I want the knowledge out there, I just don't want it to be used against people. You can learn love languages, you can talk about them to people, but you can't use bring it up with people you're in a relationship with. Especially in a discussion about your relationship.

The point is for people to focus on learning rather than weaponization.

And it's not just love languages. It's pretty much every psychological and sociological concept. Bringing them up in a discussion is almost always an attempt to cut off the other person's attempt at communication.

It's like the list of fallacies. No one wonders if they're making fallacious arguments, they just use it as a cudgel against other people.

[em-bee]

not talking about your feelings in your relationship is exactly what opens you up for abuse. you both need to communicate openly with each other about everything you feel. if you can't do that then the relationship has a serious problem, and i would seek counselling

[bena]

Talking about your feelings is fine. The line comes when you start making demands of the other person.

People also see these things as magic phrases that will solve the problem. They're not. Interpersonal conflicts are complex even at their simplest. So while it is good to know about all of these things, as a tool of active communication, they're often lacking.

Because the goal of a relationship should be to find a person you mesh well together with, not to find someone you can mold into a perfect partner. That's also a serious problem.

[jrm4]

I agree with both the op AND this criticism. It's a pretty good tool in a relationship toolbox -- and also this definitely happens. Just don't treat it as gospel.

[greenonions]

Also recommend this book. It's a simple system to understand your relationship easier, and it acts as a starting point.

As an example from the article, if the author recognized from the beginning that putting the dishes into the dishwasher made his wife feel loved, he would do so, his wife would be happy, and he would feel happy, starting a virtuous cycle.

[captaincaveman]

I don't think it would make her feel loved though, as in her view it was the norm, by putting it away you could say she didn't feel disrespected by him, however, it could also be viewed as it was her having disrespect of him for his behaviour ... we of course can only speculate.

[AlwaysRock]

This book is great if you are in a relationship but also if you are single. It allows you to learn how you receive love. Often you express love in the ways you receive it which is critical to understanding if you are struggling to maintain relationships.