Not the answer you might want to hear… but books are usually not a good approach for this kind of topic as
- you will need to look at every single advice with distance and criticism to see if it fits your kid
- there will be hundreds of little things you will have to find by yourself to make it work that won’t be in the book you read.
At the end of the day, I’m not sure parenting books help more than random discussions from other parents who’ll give hint about stuff they are trying. I remember reading a lot about “free range” parenting for instance, and it was basically wasted time. The general idea in itself is extremely valuable, the details don’t matter at all, as every parent will have to rethink it all by themselves to make it work in their specific setting.
This sounds like Montessori. It involves observing the child, making sure they have appropriate tools for their size and ability, taking the time to slowly tech them everything you think is obvious, etc.
I think often the hard part is establishing just what treating kids like 'young adults' means. They're fairly different (for better and for worse) so it can be hard to apply certain things that might work on a real young adult (I think certain kinds of negotiations are where this is most clear).
> I think often the hard part is establishing just what treating kids like 'young adults' means.
This is very true. A couple of actionable principles that pop out of my mind:
1. if a child can physically do a task, they should do it, at most, with some help. In addition to home "chores", even small, principled actions, like paying their purchases by themselves, and even phone calls (again, with help).
2. lead by example and not verbally; classic example: don't consume junk food, rather than consuming it and (separately) teaching that it's bad. This is very hard, but it gives parents an entirely different credibility.
This approach works when it's started early though (especially point 1). I have no idea if I could make this work (I think not) if I had to deal with a 10-years old child who had a different upbringing.
It's not quite what you are asking for, but I think you'd be interested in NurtureShock. It investigates common parenting sense with a foot in the evidence and finds a lot of things that don't quite add up. (One typical finding that relates to the "small adult" thing is that it's beneficial to discuss race and racial issues surprisingly early.)
Although it's ostensibly aimed at adults, Dan Pink's Drive is a useful reference for what motivates people, including children.
When we're at it, I also learned a lot about what can and cannot be taught to children from The Nurture Assumption.
This isn’t exactly about treating kids like “young adults” but Magda Gerber’s Your Self Confident Baby is largely about recognizing how capable kids are, even from infancy.
Also check out Ross Greene, whose big idea is basically “you can do collaborative decision making with children that more closely resembles how you would negotiate and interact with an adult whose autonomy you respect, vs just trying to impose your will on them.”
The author of the article has a full blown book on the subject: Hunt, Gather, Parent. It’s a mix of anecdotes and some of the psychology of why this approach appears to work. My wife and I enjoyed it quite a bit.
- you will need to look at every single advice with distance and criticism to see if it fits your kid
- there will be hundreds of little things you will have to find by yourself to make it work that won’t be in the book you read.
At the end of the day, I’m not sure parenting books help more than random discussions from other parents who’ll give hint about stuff they are trying. I remember reading a lot about “free range” parenting for instance, and it was basically wasted time. The general idea in itself is extremely valuable, the details don’t matter at all, as every parent will have to rethink it all by themselves to make it work in their specific setting.