[jmyeet]

A good place to start is just to STFU.

This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem.

I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this way with you because those solutions aren't what they are looking for and it just creates more stress. The person can feel attacked, like they're being forced to justify how they feel.

[borski]

My magic words for this are simply “tell me more.” Eventually, by listening actively, I can put myself in their shoes and empathize. And once they’ve talked it out, if they even need help, I ask if they want it and are open to it. If they say no, all good! If they say yes, then we can dive in.

This has taken me many years to get better at, and I still suck at it, but it’s improved for sure.

[MrDresden]

This.

The ability to just listen to what other people open up to you about and not give your personal view or wisdom on every single thing is akin to an actual super power in the modern work place.

Train your mind to not come up with a reply while listening, as that will limit how much of what you are hearing is actually registered. The speaker will also subconsciously pick up on body cues indicating how well or badly you are listening.

[roenxi]

I do agree with the advice but I think the natural next-problem is someone is they'll follow it and end up sitting mutely nodding and listening for 20 minutes, then get disheartened because that is obviously not working well.

Being quiet is good but it has to be a component in a broader strategy. The point is still to help people solve their problems; just to have humility enough to realise that it is impossible to know what someone's problems are until they have told you. Guessing other people's problems has a bad success rate. I think the really enlightened strategy is understanding that everyone wants everyone around them to be successful and then being effective at bringing that out into the open and welding a community together.

[webmobdev]

Listening doesn't mean you just sit quietly. You have to be an active listener. That means using non-verbal cues (nodding, squeezing hands etc.) to show you are listening and chiming in with empathy. E.g. "What? That must have meed you feel pissed of at so-and-so!" or "I would have been crushed if someone told that to my face." or even the inquisitive *"Did that annoy you? Why do you think he said that?"* ... etc. When people vent, they mainly do it for two reason - (1) expressing their true feelings is healthy and (2) they are looking for validation of their actions, feeling and emotions.

Listening helps with 1, active listening helps with 2. (And sometimes, not validating some feeling or emotion that seems inappropriate for the situation, without offering advise, also helps.)

[NicoJuicy]

Yep, STFU is the way to go.

I would note that some people claim they don't want to talk about private things, while they actually want to talk about it.

In general, I pickup incredibly quick when something is off and I mostly just ask flat out: "Is something the matter, since something seems off".

And additionally, I mention that if they don't want to talk about it, just say "It's private or that it doesn't concern me and I won't ask anymore".

In general, I overthink those thinks and too quickly think that it's something with me related. I think mentioning that they can say: "it doesn't concern you" makes me more comfortable that it's not related to me and that they don't want to talk about it too.

[jmyeet]

> In general, I pickup incredibly quick when something is off and I mostly just ask flat out: "Is something the matter, since something seems off".

Often I think this is unnecessarily confrontational and it can come off as aggressive. Here are three useful "hacks" for humans:

1. Just sit there and say nothing. People naturally want to fill that empty void so will start talking. Just engage on whatever subject they bring up; or

2. Alternatively, make a general uncontroversial statement. This has to be tailored to the situation. Your interests, their interests and context. Something like "I can't believe how crazy the NFL postseason was this year"; or

3. Ask a noncontroversial question. Yes/no questions tend to be worse than non-binary questions. A good template here is "How do you feel about X?" where X isn't something like "Trump" but is more like "boneless wings being chicken nuggets".

[NicoJuicy]

Well, I do agree that it's somewhat confronting, but it get's results pretty fast.

A lot of it really depends on how you say the: "If it's private, just say stfu and I will not ask anymore".

It can be funny and disarming. It means that you want to know what is going on and that they should have no problems with saying that they don't want to talk about it. It doesn't translate well to written text.

In a lot of cases, you don't need to follow-up anymore and they will talk from their own. They are aware that you won't ask anymore, without them going forward on initiating the talk.

[tlrobinson]

> This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems

For a humorous take on this, see "It's Not About The Nail": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

[2OEH8eoCRo0]

How to Win Friends and Influence People talks about this. Learn to be a good listener.

[joshxyz]

This. Often times just being around is more than enough.