[pdpi]

I’m a straight man, one of my best friends is a straight woman, and we’ve known each other for 20 years. By best friend, I mean we talk almost daily, go to each other for advice and emotional support, and are comfortable discussing very intimate details about our personal lives.

The idea of a sexual relationship with her is just gross, though, in the “I’m screwing my sister” sort of way.

[gnicholas]

Are either of you married? That doubles the number of people who might be uncomfortable with the relationship.

[voisin]

Not sure why you are being downvoted. It is an excellent point that while two people may have no issue with it, their significant others wouldn’t be out of line to feel awkward about their partners turning to members of the opposite sex for advice and sharing intimate details.

[pa7ch]

Definitely is a problem. I've had close relationships with women that had zero problems that faded pretty fast once they had a serious partner. I don't blame them, a partner comes first, but I really wish it wasn't quite so normalized for it to be OK for significant others to isolate partners from opposite sex friends. I know a lot of it happens naturally due to relationships taking up time and some people handle it no problem, but it seems far too common.

[standardUser]

If there is a toxic level of jealousy and a lack of trust in the relationship, then yes.

[gnicholas]

I don't think it requires a toxic level of jealousy to be wary of an opposite-sex friend with whom your spouse talks daily and discusses "very intimate details about our personal lives".

But hey, that's just me! I recognize other people have different types of marriages and don't judge them or consider their relationships toxic.

[koolba]

Not putting yourself in tempestuous situations is the social equivalent of not stocking your pantry with candy when you’re a diabetic.

[Godel_unicode]

Which is to say, some people have a problem and need to take steps. Others don't and shouldn't be restricted by other people's issues.

[gnicholas]

I think we're in agreement, but just FYI "tempestuous" doesn't have anything to do with temptation.

The above situation could certainly lead to tempestuous arguments, though!

[koolba]

Ha! Indeed, temptatious situations can lead to tempestuous circumstances.

[thereare5lights]

> tempestuous situations

But given this

> The idea of a sexual relationship with her is just gross, though, in the “I’m screwing my sister” sort of way.

There is no temptation

[standardUser]

I have such a hard time understanding this perspective. Either you know your partner will be faithful and there is nothing to worry about. Or, you know your partner will not be faithful, and you need to let them be non-monogamous or end the relationship.

In any in-between scenario, you don't know your partner well enough to judge and should probably break up immediately on those grounds alone. Imagine not knowing your life partner well enough to know if they will have extra-marital sex? Inconceivable to me.

[greggman3]

That's not how real life works. In real life (for many people), familiarity breeds desire. To put it another way, it starts off innocent. One dinner, 2 dinners, 3 dinners, a movie, and the married partner keeps telling themselves "I'm still faithful and I'm not doing anything wrong and have no intent to be unfaithful". But, it's like a tension building up and when it finally crosses some threshold, suddenly your feeling change. You want the relationship with the other person.

Many people recognize this pattern. There are countless stories, novels, books, movies, tv shows on it. People writing from personal experience. If you truly value your monogamous marriage then you'll avoid letting that tension build in the first place. That doesn't mean you'll never go out with a friend of the opposite sex. But you will avoid doing it too much. O course many people aren't even aware of this pattern so they let the tension build and then lose their marriage.

You can fully trust your partner. And your partner can trust themselves. That doesn't mean if they put themselves in that situation over and over that nothing will come of it. Further, you have no idea what the other person's intensions are, and even if the other person's intensions are platonic, they'll have the same tensions building.

[thereare5lights]

As someone that does not experience that kind of tension, it’s baffling to learn that there are people can be tempted into violating their own principles over things that are not even worth it such as saving lives.

I’d even go as far to say as people that can be tempted this way do not have as strong relationships as they think they do.

[Ancapistani]

Toxic? I don’t think so - it’s possibly a very different dynamic, but that doesn’t mean it’s toxic.

The GP stated: > go to each other for advice and emotional support

The way I intended my marriage vows, this would violate “forsaking all others”. I go to my wife for emotional support, not someone outside the marriage. I would consider doing otherwise “cheating” at the same scale as a sexual relationship.

[pdpi]

I met my ex-wife at roughly the same time I met her. There was never a hint of jealously (nor was I ever jealous of her male friends)