[nefitty]

I love my wife a lot. She's like my shadow, evidence that the sun is in the sky.

If she got really sick I would stay with her and care for her. A huge chunk of that is because I'm attached to her, the little human pattern that the universe mumbles out. The other mind that looks at me and convinces me I actually exist.

I personally think it's irresponsible to set up these weird transcendental expectations. If anyone reading this has yet to fall in love or be in a long term relationship, it's all flowery and cute and lovey at first and then one day you fart for the first time in front of her. There's like, non-subjectively evident demands that you agree to impose on yourself when becoming a union. Physical. Social. Emotional.

I would not leave my wife if her mind was gone. Besides my irrational human attachment, I can't imagine putting my family, her family, our friends, through the experience of seeing her be abandoned by her life partner. Of having them experience evil unmask itself through the act of relegating her to a meat body, which we all are.

I don't know why I felt such a strong urge to express my cynicism. I don't believe in souls, I guess is part of it. I also don't like when people get hyped into expecting the universe from others. My wife loves me deeply, I feel it when she randomly puts her head on my shoulder or I catch her staring at me. She would also yell at me in embarrassment if I farted loudly next to her at the grocery store.

[diskzero]

My wife was diagnosed with lymphoma and brain cancer last December and passed this October. I watched her weaken, spring back when a therapy worked, descend into near death when a therapy failed and eventually see her mind and body destroyed by cancer. I hated the illness, the workload, the stress and then unending anxiety of knowing there was little chance of a recovery.

I never thought of leaving or not caring for her, just as I am sure she would have never left me if I was in the same situation. Was this because of a deep love, a result of thirty years spent building a life and habits together, civic and marital duty or some combination of all of these? The thought of not caring for someone in her situation so close to me is anathema.

Concerning diseases that reduce ones mental acuity; every time she would lose the ability to speak or understand, it was crushing. She would often regain some functionality, but each time something was lost. In her final days, she would sometimes regain consciousness and speak to me, but couldn't understand what she was saying. This is/was one of the most distressing things for me to experience. I often sit and wonder what it was she wanted to tell me and how I will never know.

[fjfaase]

My first wife died as a result of Early-Onset Alzheimer's Disease. From diagnoses till death was 12 years. A much slower process than yours, I realize, which gave me much more time to adapt to it and deal with it.

Before she stopped talking at all, she also had a period that she spook gibberish. I learned to just pretend to understand her, assuming that she meant something positive with her attempt to say something. I learned to read her face instead of her words.

In the last year her eyes would usually be dull and only now and then there would be a spark of light in her eyes that would not last longer than a second. I never wondered whether she still recognized me. I assumed that the concept of husband did not mean anything to her anymore. I am happy that I still recognized her till the end, because I know that some people with Alzheimer's Disease will change so much in their behavior that relatives do no longer recognize them.

We will never know what your wife wanted to say. Maybe the words that came out of her mouth were not even the words she wanted to say. Maybe you should take the fact that she attempted to talk to you as a sign that she was happy that you were with her at that moment.

[diskzero]

Thanks for the insight. I am sorry you had to endure such a long goodbye period. It was agony for me not to be able to talk with her at the end, but I do appreciate she tried to say something, and I am grateful for that.

[nefitty]

Jesus. There's no words. My heart breaks.

Thank you for giving us your thoughts. I hope to live up to the standard you set with the clearly towering love you shared with your wife. I'm dumb, young, unwise so I'll dare to presume: I am certain she would have told you how important you are to her, how much she loves you and how thankful she was that you shared your life with her.

Sorry, I try not to be emotional. Especially on a forum like HN where rationality and clarity of thought seem to be the M.O. Its impossible to imagine what you've gone through and what you're going through. I send you a huge, digital, hairy man hug my dude.

[diskzero]

Thanks for the insight. I like to think that you are right!

Thanks for the hug. It is much appreciated.

[susiecambria]

So very sorry to hear about your loss.

I choose to believe that your wife wanted to tell you how much she loved you and what a wonderful life she had with you.

Hugs from me and the dogs

[diskzero]

Thanks Susie. You must be right! That is what I am going to believe as well.

[testfoobar]

I am sorry for your loss.

[diskzero]

Thank you.

[captainredbeard]

So sorry to hear that, condolences.

[srvmshr]

Very well put. My remark about 'true love' was this exact cynicism. And like you, I mirror the exact same feelings for my wife. The Mills & Boone type of romances do not exist in real life. Deep love is crafted incrementally each day of being together, like an old oak tree sinking its roots ever deeper.

It is perhaps the gravitas and wordsmanship which makes the author's story remarkable. It exposed us to his thought process, and the minutaé of his feelings. As a thinking species, we perhaps appreciate this expressivity. These adversities are more common than depicted & many couples with disabilities do share meaningful time together.

[nefitty]

Yes for sure. I hope I did not diminish those experiences. It is really awesome to be in love. I understand its sway.

I appreciate how we almost reflexively communicate about those emotions in bits of poetry. They splay out in so many directions, it's like we're picking fruits from an orchard and showing each other what we discover. It's really nice to get to be in the orchard.

[gernb]

My 1st girlfriend's mom told me "never marry someone you can't fart in front of". My sister easily farts (and laughs) in front of her husband. In fact for Christmas he was given a plaque that says "I didn't fart, my ass blew you a kiss"

[smoyer]

Another great adage is "Don't marry the person you can live with ... Marry the person you can't live without"

[nefitty]

Hahaha that's the true love they don't make Disney movies about