[diskzero]

My wife was diagnosed with lymphoma and brain cancer last December and passed this October. I watched her weaken, spring back when a therapy worked, descend into near death when a therapy failed and eventually see her mind and body destroyed by cancer. I hated the illness, the workload, the stress and then unending anxiety of knowing there was little chance of a recovery.

I never thought of leaving or not caring for her, just as I am sure she would have never left me if I was in the same situation. Was this because of a deep love, a result of thirty years spent building a life and habits together, civic and marital duty or some combination of all of these? The thought of not caring for someone in her situation so close to me is anathema.

Concerning diseases that reduce ones mental acuity; every time she would lose the ability to speak or understand, it was crushing. She would often regain some functionality, but each time something was lost. In her final days, she would sometimes regain consciousness and speak to me, but couldn't understand what she was saying. This is/was one of the most distressing things for me to experience. I often sit and wonder what it was she wanted to tell me and how I will never know.

[fjfaase]

My first wife died as a result of Early-Onset Alzheimer's Disease. From diagnoses till death was 12 years. A much slower process than yours, I realize, which gave me much more time to adapt to it and deal with it.

Before she stopped talking at all, she also had a period that she spook gibberish. I learned to just pretend to understand her, assuming that she meant something positive with her attempt to say something. I learned to read her face instead of her words.

In the last year her eyes would usually be dull and only now and then there would be a spark of light in her eyes that would not last longer than a second. I never wondered whether she still recognized me. I assumed that the concept of husband did not mean anything to her anymore. I am happy that I still recognized her till the end, because I know that some people with Alzheimer's Disease will change so much in their behavior that relatives do no longer recognize them.

We will never know what your wife wanted to say. Maybe the words that came out of her mouth were not even the words she wanted to say. Maybe you should take the fact that she attempted to talk to you as a sign that she was happy that you were with her at that moment.

[diskzero]

Thanks for the insight. I am sorry you had to endure such a long goodbye period. It was agony for me not to be able to talk with her at the end, but I do appreciate she tried to say something, and I am grateful for that.

[nefitty]

Jesus. There's no words. My heart breaks.

Thank you for giving us your thoughts. I hope to live up to the standard you set with the clearly towering love you shared with your wife. I'm dumb, young, unwise so I'll dare to presume: I am certain she would have told you how important you are to her, how much she loves you and how thankful she was that you shared your life with her.

Sorry, I try not to be emotional. Especially on a forum like HN where rationality and clarity of thought seem to be the M.O. Its impossible to imagine what you've gone through and what you're going through. I send you a huge, digital, hairy man hug my dude.

[diskzero]

Thanks for the insight. I like to think that you are right!

Thanks for the hug. It is much appreciated.

[susiecambria]

So very sorry to hear about your loss.

I choose to believe that your wife wanted to tell you how much she loved you and what a wonderful life she had with you.

Hugs from me and the dogs

[diskzero]

Thanks Susie. You must be right! That is what I am going to believe as well.

[testfoobar]

I am sorry for your loss.

[diskzero]

Thank you.

[captainredbeard]

So sorry to hear that, condolences.