[blowski]

I agree. The whole introvert thing is so loosely defined that it covers everyone to some degree.

For example, I find smalltalk with people I don’t really know to be extremely challenging and tiring. And yet with people I do know, or in conversations on topics where I feel confident, I struggle to shut myself up.

I wouldn’t consider myself to be either introvert or extrovert, merely some set of personality traits.

[Scarblac]

It's a skill though, that can be trained like any other. You don't have enough practice.

I always thought my father was just like me, no nonsense, no chit chat, just to the point. Until I went with him when he was looking for storage space, and had heard an 80-year old farmer a bit outside of our town had some.

They talked about essentially nothing for twenty minutes but if you listened very carefully, somewhere in between the farmer had asked what my father was looking for, and a few minutes later my father had spent a few sentences on it, and then later it was mentioned that Xx who is the brother of Y you may know him has that company and he is using storage now but in a month half of it will be free and who knows and the rest depends on what Z does in the spring. In the end my dad kept a lot of stuff there for years paying hardly anything.

And in the meantime they understood exactly who the other was, what kind of people they were from, and so on.

I was in awe (I just stood there listening), they just had a whole type of conversation that I couldn't do.

So now I try to practice when I have the chance.

[thrashh]

Introversion/extroversion isn’t related to your social skills, although your level of social skills can muddle your impression of your introversion/extroversion.

Introversion and extroversion are, on the extreme ends, whether you need to seek out “down time” after being around people versus never needing down time and always wanting to be around people, respectively.

For example, I’m more of an extrovert and if I’m dead tired at midnight but someone invites me to go out, I will still say yes because being around people gives me energy and it’s like ecstasy. And if one of my friends says no, I will respect it but “won’t get it” as to why you’d want to go home.

(Of course you have responsibilities as you get older but that’s a separate issue.)

[nicoburns]

> I find smalltalk with people I don’t really know to be extremely challenging and tiring. And yet with people I do know, or in conversations on topics where I feel confident, I struggle to shut myself up.

FWIW, this pretty much exactly describes an introvert. Being introverted doesn't mean you don't like socialising at all.

[blowski]

There are so many definitions of introvert that it’s mostly lost any meaning.

[zamfi]

Perhaps, but this sounds like what someone who doesn't know many extraverts would say.

If your default preferred way of being isn't "with other people" -- to the point where you feel anxious when you're alone for any reasonable length of time -- you're probably some flavor of introvert?

[blowski]

How many humans even have “default modes”?

[watwut]

> I agree. The whole introvert thing is so loosely defined that it covers everyone to some degree.

Well of course. Because majority of people is exactly in the middle between extroverts and introverts. The extremes are fairly rare. Most of us are a mix of introvert and extrovert traits, because it is normal distribution.

The way people talk about it, you would think there are two distinct species with no overlap.

[vincentmarle]

> I find smalltalk with people I don’t really know to be extremely challenging and tiring. And yet with people I do know, or in conversations on topics where I feel confident, I struggle to shut myself up.

This sounds more like ADHD.

[blowski]

That would imply there’s something wrong with me, something that needs fixing. I don’t feel like that at all.

In a sense, we are all a mixture of personality traits. It’s only when you get to the extremes, where it starts to be harmful, that it becomes a “disorder”.

[wombatmobile]

I used to find trying to entertain people by playing the piano extremely tiring and challenging. I was just so bad at it. The more I tried the worse I felt.

Then I took piano lessons, practised a lot, and learnt three songs quite well.

Ever since then, when I’m at a party where there’s a piano, I’ve played one or two songs, then spent the rest of the night talking with people about music.

Learning to play the piano has helped me to overcome my social awkwardness. Now, instead of strangers feeling like an energy drain, it’s like they charge my batteries.

[Zababa]

On the other hand, I have no problems talking to strangers and most of the time leave a good impression on people, but it drains my energy way more quickly than talkign with people I know well. If I spend half the day pair programming with someone, at the end I have a strong feeling of just wanting to be alone. And during trips, after a few days with friends I miss my home, and usually after around a week with my family.

My point is that you can have no social awkwardness and be good at talking to people, but still have it be an energy drain.

[wombatmobile]

Yes it’s circumstantial. Needs based. Content and context dependent.

[vincentmarle]

There’s nothing wrong with having ADHD. I’m just saying, ADHD could be a plausible explanation than being an introvert, and as someone who got diagnosed at 36 himself, it can take a while to see the signs.

For example, I can’t small talk with someone if I think they’re boring or if it’s someone new who I just met and don’t trust. It’s a terrible trait of mine because it’s pretty judgemental, but it’s something that I’m hoping to improve over time. Because of this, people’s first impression of me is that I’m an introvert, but I’m far from being an introvert (I really need frequent social contact). It just takes a while for me to warm up to someone.

[soco]

At least from the comments, I kind of see the attitude pairing: people defining themselves as introverts think about themselves being smarter and generally superior to the extroverts. The self-defined extroverts on the other hand only criticize the social awkwardness of the introverts, no quality judgement otherwise. Conclusion: as usual, rationalization doesn't help much.