[wincy]

My wife is from New York and has this instinct you speak of. She gets mad when I talk to bank tellers. I grew up in the Midwest and chat with everyone. It makes sense too, because even in a city of a million, very often I’ll start chatting with someone and realize that we know someone in common. Happens all the time.

My wife said such a thing would NEVER happen in New York, there’s just too many people.

[hombre_fatal]

Most people here could benefit from talking to everyone and honing that skill, especially single guys, instead of just lambasting it as “small talk”.

When you don’t talk to people, you throw out a great amount of serendipity in life. e.g. Most of my friends right now and women I’ve dated I’ve met in lines at the coffee shop, parking my rental bike at the dock, and other unlikely places.

I wasn’t always that person so I empathize with the knee jerk kick against the idea, but it’s time to evolve, guys.

[PrimalDual]

I agree with your approach to the point I think it’s the only way to really tackle loneliness and making friends. You just have to talk to strangers, often about nothing.

Unfortunately for the less socially trained, the advice in the article seems pretty daunting. It reminds me of of the quote “people won’t remember what you said but they’ll remember how you made then feel”. I am pretty sure I’ve made a few people feel awkward or mildly uncomfortable in my time trying to do this.

Naturally, I’ve gotten better but since it’s not something I do frequently I’m still pretty bad at it. I really wish there were a systematic way to train talking to strangers in an environment where it’s ok to make minor social missteps. Unfortunately it seems to me that such an environment is some stage of development that I missed at an earlier age. Is there some way forward that doesn’t just involve eating the losses as a cost of learning?

[akiselev]

> Is there some way forward that doesn’t just involve eating the losses as a cost of learning?

I've always felt that Toastmasters and improv were good ways forward, depending on individual preference (formal/businessy vs comedic). The popular conception is that the former is all about public speaking and the latter comedy but most people I know who have gotten into either went to improve their general socializing/banter skill (I haven't participated in either, just relaying anecdata)

[alexanderdmitri]

I've found the opposite by working in a sales position.

I'm introverted, so it sometimes felt like torture getting through some days. I felt dizzy and drained after 10+ hours of talking, pitching and trying to close sometimes hundreds of strangers over one day.

People do buy based on emotion, you'll see the progression from feature to benefit to emotional benefit in most structured sales cycles. The best sales people make customers feel great and tie it to the product. You need to learn about what they're looking for and why, it's rarely 'one size fits all.'

You learn tricks and learn to have fun. I realized mental fortitude and positive socialization is really hard work, not just disposition as I wrote it off before. You can set goals for yourself and learn from having an actual point of success. And you don't eat without achievement, in my case at least. Just pick a product that you actually believe in and makes lives and the world better (and has a good commission model).

[tormeh]

> My wife said such a thing would NEVER happen in New York, there’s just too many people.

You're not talking to a random sample of people, so it's not actually thaaat unlikely to be someone who knows someone you do

[rhines]

Would you be willing to talk a bit more on how you get into that kind of conversation? I feel like bridging the gap between the necessary discussion of "Can you deposit this cheque please? Thanks." to the personal discussion of "Oh wow you went to Sycamore high and played on the hockey team? Don't suppose you know Johnny?" is a real art if you don't want to sound like a probing weirdo, and I have no idea how to do it.

[throwawayboise]

Start with something pleasant and impersonal just to see if they're interested in talking. "Having a good day?" can lead to "how do you like working here" can lead to "you look familiar, are you originally from around here" can lead to "Oh wow you went to Sycamore High." If you get the sense that the other person isn't chatty or seems put off, you just stop talking.

[nradov]

Oh your wife is from New York? Does she know my friend Joe? Joe Smith?

[throwawayboise]

It's weird because the New Yorkers I know are fearless talkers who will engage anyone on any topic.

[wincy]

She is like that now, but maybe it’s because she grew up in a middle class suburb on Long Island. She’d get cat called by construction workers and stuff, and tried to make herself as unnoticed as possible.

Now she’s considered really aggressive by midwesterners but she’s also known for getting things done because of that.