[pinopinopino]

You somehow find out what is really important to you and what is not and see that really clearly.

That is what happened to me after a couple of experiences. And I acted on it and I am not sad about it. Now, I don't do it that often. But if you choose to do ketamine, you are in for a ride.

[downerending]

> And I acted on it and I am not sad about it.

That sounds like a story. Can we hear a bit of it?

[pinopinopino]

Well, it is not an exciting story really. I started from dropping out of university because I got children really early. I wasn't a bad student, but not the top 10 either. I studied physics (EDIT: dunno why I wrote psychology).

I got my first child, second. Then both my parents died, I found out my brother was a pedophile at the same time. He touched my child, I was truly alone now. That was the moment something broke into me. Like crack goes the clock work. I then decided to start a startup right in economical crash, I build an instagram like application. I got hooked on GHB during that time to deal with the pressure. I got my third child. The startup got funded, 1.5 million euros. I broke down, withdrawn and had to sober up within two weeks. I kept going on. The company went down, instagram was first and we lost the race. We even had some Russian oligarch visiting us to buy us, but oh well. Missed that boat. I was left with quite a debt and some problems with the tax office.

So I wrote myself out of my country, I went of the grid. If you write yourself out of the registers, they can't find you here. And it is not illegal. I also had a hash dealer invested in my company. So it was better to hide out.

Then I started up another company, a small game company, which blew up right into my face later on, while getting addicted to opiates and another child. I wisely switched to kratom, but I was clearly broken. I also picked up some bad other habits, like running a small designer drug thing. Well, I don't want to say to much about that.

Then I started to experiment with ketamine. Fun times, stopped the kratom and got a real job for once in my life instead of the cowboy behaviour. I was building search engines, it was not that hard actually and I learned the practicality of knowing how to read and apply papers. University still got something good into me, it learned me how to learn.

Fast forward a couple of years. I had stopped doing drugs altogether, except for snuff. My life was relatively peaceful, but boring. I still had some shadows of the past haunting me, like the taxes. I started doing ketamine once in a while again. It was fun. Then I had the first K-hole.

I stopped snuff and I started working out the next day. I dealt with the tax problem.

I am pretty fit now. I do ketamine once in the three months. And every time, I fix up a new problem I find out in my life. I am now working out the thing with my brother, what happened there.

See, I found the moment that happened I felt truly alone and simply stopped processing emotions and then my life devolved into utter chaos. I just soldiered on without feeling, marching and marching.

Now I am on my way to the top of the company I am in now and even if I fall out of it, I have a pretty good perspective. I am handling a complex merger of multiple platforms. I have time for my family, I learn my kids to shoot with a bow and do little projects with them.

Life is less hard and more fun. I am now planning to study again. And I care for both my nieces every week. So I even have some surrogate daughters too now. What can a man wish for? I only got boys to my dismay. And now I have to stop, because that is too much personal details and some people might pin me down. ^_^

That's it, ups and downs. I think ketamine normalized me, gave me a change to be in society instead of on the edge of it. It is a weird thing. And I don't use it all anymore. It is not needed.

[pinopinopino]

I didn't have real structure inside me. It sounds perhaps weird to you, but that was how it felt. Like I was some sort of chameleon, just going with whatever came upon my path. Life felt as a fast paced river with shit loads of debris in it and I had to try to not drown by grabbing things around me.

That was because I had a relative safe and warm childhood and suddenly when my parents died, I still had my brother. But when my brother went suddenly bad, that was gone too. There was no base to stand on. I just had a child, no papers, no parents and no family I could stand one. Desolated, nobody to lean against and with that the inner structure was gone.

I am grateful I can give my kids a safe childhood now and can restore what I have broken. Now story time is over, I have been far to honest with strangers on the internet. A bad habit :)

[downerending]

Thanks for that. It's certainly anything but a dull story, or at least, mine is quite dull by comparison.

I've tried kratom a few times, but doesn't seem to work for me. Nor pot, for that matter. Ethanol is pretty good, for now, aside from the health effects, though they say it interferes with memory formation, and I think that's true.

Hard to say whether trying ketamine would be worth it or not, though if it becomes a legal treatment, would probably go for it.

[pinopinopino]

Well, the end is anti-climatic. I haven't become a big shot entrepreneur or anything like some of you guys. That being said, I am happy anyway and the story isn't over.

[pinopinopino]

Some critical notes, I see some people find my story exciting, but don't take this as a manual. I want to temper things a bit.

I am very, very chaotic. I thrive where inequalities are and think they are necessary, it is a necessary evil, we need them as human race to progress in my view. The people I look up to are for example John Mcaffee, Elon Musk even Trump. And I have mixed sympathies with the BLM movement and the alt-right. I like conflict, I will search actively for it and if I get bored I will create it.

I don't want a static one world government. I want diversity of cultures, different views on things, ideas that smash together. I don't want America to become Europe. I want to enjoy the wonderfully weird Japanese as they are, although I never really will get them or can become them. I like to work with others that are truly different from me, not some mirror of western values. I want people to have a place which they can call their own, which is very different from other places. I want the west to protect itself, but not impose it values on others. That is how I view life and that is what I want.

It is good that I found peace of mind for myself and my environment now. I will stop the therapy session now. This is what I want to write to my fictional friend. I feel sad and happy now. It is weird. :) And I burned another account and I went a bit in overdrive. That happens when I get in touched with the emotional side of things. I find emotions hard. Sorry for the blog post.

[srean]

If you do not mind me asking, did you to intend to have the children at the time that you had. Its not very clear from your comment and was just curious. If its too personal, my apologies and please ignore.

[pinopinopino]

No problem. I consider this part of my therapy session now, part of writing a letter to a fictional friend, so lets go personal.

Well, I always wanted children, but not at that moment, I was not ready. I just didn't have the heart to go for an abortion. I did consider it though and that still hurts. It still burns, I never would have forgiven myself. Only in the darkest of hours you should consider that.

We still together and have 4 kids now. I am happy how it all worked out. Could have been worse.

It helps to write, so thank you for asking :)

[Keyframe]

TBH, I think no one is ever ready to have a child. No matter if it's a first one or not.

[downerending]

Yeah, I think that's true. I consider myself utterly incompetent for this task, and yet I've ended up with eight step-children over the years. It sucks for all concerned, but something is usually better than nothing.

[srean]

Very glad for you that it worked out. An abortion one regrets … that would be a dark place. Thanks for responding.

In addition to letters to a fictional friend you could also think of writing a journal for your very non-fictional children. I am sure they would appreciate that when they grow up into adults.

[pinopinopino]

I failed with the startup race, but I do enjoy seeing others succeed, so that is why I started to linger around here again.

[VectorLock]

"write yourself out of the registers" what does that mean?

[pinopinopino]

It is about the central municipality citizen registration. Something you have in certain countries of Europe. You ought to be registered in some municipality, but if you write yourself out and never register in another municipality. You are untraceable, you are gone for the system. They call it "ghost citizens".

There is a catch, you will get less pension for example and lose some rights during the time you are not registered. And renewing your passport is not trivial.

You can have a company, but not a regular job. You are in a weird twilight zone then.

[VectorLock]

What countries are these? You just tell some municipality to delete you from their books and they do?

[pinopinopino]

Netherlands, keyword: Spookburger

Google translate is pretty accurate for Dutch these days. It is an interesting read in how we are organized here. In the nineties the decentralization was even bigger.

[pinopinopino]

And I think you can do the same trick in Belgium, not sure though. I wanted to be vague to hide my location a bit, but oh well.

[sibeliuss]

Thanks for sharing this

[pinopinopino]

No probs and thanks for reading. It is good to write for me.

[samstave]

Is this same/similar to DMT?

[andybak]

No. Nothing is like ketamine.

I mean nothing is like DMT but you can see some parallels with acid is mushrooms.

But ketamine is utterly different to anything else I've tried.

[kderbyma]

DXM is very much like ketamine at least at normal recreational doses (not sure about K hole)

[non-entity]

Ive read that while they're all disassociatives, DXM is still a pretty different experience from ketamine. I personally havent tried the latter though, so this just secondhand information.

[amanaplanacanal]

I would expect PCP to be very similar also, though I have never tried it.

[pinopinopino]

It is similar, but you won't go down like with ketamine. So while you are in fantasy land, you can walk, talk and interact.

It is a fun drug to do in nature far away from the city, talk to elves, clouds and trees. Just lie down, think about silly things and watch the clouds go by, it is very peaceful, almost child like. That is the good side of pcp.

In cities I can imagine it is hellish, but perhaps also adventurous if it is an quite old city with dark alleys. I never dared to do it in cities.

And when you are back, you know it was just fantasy. It is like walking into a book of Neil Gaiman. It stimulates the fantasy and makes you more open to whatever comes up. It lowers your shields of critical thinking. (And that is where the danger lies too btw, so keep notice of that)

In a hectic city that goes wrong, but in a nice safe place in nature. Even if you meet a stranger and have a talk with him, he tells you his story and you marvel in it, it is fine, it is very friendly. Almost magical.

It can be fun, but it can also bite you seriously. Be safe and watch out :) It is not as safe as ketamine and not as safe as LSD. Too much makes you look like some futuristic drunk, so you really need the get the dosage right. It is on par with alcohol (society's favourite NMDA antagonist) with the stupid things you can do on it. Only alcohol puts you down at a certain moment, so it limits the damage. PCP does not, well not enough.

[pinopinopino]

Never did DMT, so can't really say. Sorry :) It is a highly personal experience, which is difficult to share with others though. I think it is similar in the sense, that you can't dismiss it. It is very real for you personally.

I am not a spiritual guy, you know? I think that makes it a bit hard to think about it. It didn't make my spiritual or anything or less grounded in my life.

[pinopinopino]

I have thought a bit about this. I think the difference is this:

Ketamine leaves you in a space where you are alone, in your own universe. And classical psychedelics lead you to a space where you with others. I haven't done DMT, but I did other psychedelics in high dosages. In the end they are similar in a way.

Another way to see it: I feel dissociatives are more suitable for people who make their own values and psychedelics are more suitable for people who follow external values. I think both positions are valid and needed btw, one is just more dangerous than the other. It is easier to stray.

Classical psychedelics feel strange to me, not unwelcome, but I am in alien territory. But dissociatives feel more like home coming.

EDIT: Or perhaps they pull you to those sides. If I need to associate a term pair to the two, then chaos and order are coming to mind. Chaos is dissociatives, and order is psychedelics. But I might be wrong here, who knows. It is very subjective.

[loceng]

I eventually hope to write a book detailing the differences, among other things, however it will likely be years (time doesn't really exist though eh) - but if interested once I finally release it then you can email me [e-mail]. Contemplating doing a pay-what-you-want model for it or refund provided if you've read it.