Ask HN: I got bad news about my housemate

[hack_hacker]

I got bad news about housemate it's related to his work stress. Any advice for me please ?? News below is encoded due to its sensitive nature. Please only decode only if you are mentally strong.

bXkgaG91c2VtYXRlIGNvbW1pdHRlZCBzdWljaWRlIGxhc3QgbmlnaHQgOiggaXTigJlzIGhhcmQgdG8ga25vdyB3aHkuIGFwcGFyZW50IHJlYXNvbiBpcyB0aGF0IGhlIHdhcyBzdHJlc3NlZCBmcm9tIHdvcmtpbmcgZXZlcnlkYXkgZm9yIGxhc3QgNCB5ZWFycy4gSSBndWVzcyB0aGlzIGEgcmVtaW5kZXIgZm9yIGFsbCBvZiB1cyB0aGF0IHdlIG5lZWQgdG8gbG9vayBhZnRlciBvdXIgbWVudGFsIGhlYWx0aCBhbmQgc2VlayBoZWxwIGlmIHlvdSBhcmUgc3RyZXNzZWQuCg==

[minds-matter]

I’m sorry to hear this. You’ll quite likely have lots of questions, and there may well be few answers.

In Mental Health First Aid (MHFA), we use the acronym ALGEE in supporting people: - Assess - Listen non judgementally - Give encouragement and support - Encourage professional support - Encourage self-help and other support

You can apply this to self-care as well.

I’d encourage you to be aware of your feelings and emotions over the next few weeks and months. Assess what you are feeling. You can find thoughts re-emerge at odd moments, and your emotions changing. That’s normal and OK.

Finding someone who will listen, without judging you or your housemate, is important. They don’t need to be trained, but they do need to listen without bringing themselves and their feelings and views into the conversation.

In the UK there are organisations such as Samaritans and Shout 85258 (Crisis Text Line in USA) with people trained in how to listen, email or message as support, particularly for those in crisis, but also for those who need someone to listen. There are also specialist support groups for those who have experienced bereavement by suicide such as https://uksobs.org/ who also provide guidance on support after suicide https://uksobs.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Support-after-.... See what is available where you are.

Depending on how you are doing, you may need or want to get other professional support.

Be kind to yourself.

[hack_hacker]

Thanks for your write up. I will definitely check out precessional help if I need to.

[minds-matter]

You’re welcome.

[ericol]

As already stated, it's not your fault, and honestly the tip of the iceberg of this problem is that such illnesses are not even considered as such by society at large.

My eldest daughter, that is an incredible bright and intelligent person was just where you are early January this year with her partner.

I eventually got tired of telling people that he was sick, that he was not to blame for his actions. And even rationalizing this is very difficult to not feel otherwise.

Stay strong, seek company, don't blame yourself.

[hack_hacker]

Thanks very much. My cyondolesenes to your daughter, hope she is in well place now.

[ericol]

Thanks. She's a strong woman as well and, as devastating as these events are she's moving forward with her life, up to the point that she is planning to move to Germany in a few months.

Have a nice day.

[Trasmatta]

Echoing those saying it wasn't your fault. Don't be afraid to reach out and see a therapist yourself, as this can be a traumatic experience.

[Ice_cream_suit]

See a psychologist and get help for yourself and

[throwaway180118]

Hey OP. If you return to this thread, know that I'm thinking of you.

[scg]

Please take care of yourself. It's not your fault.

[krpovmu]

Hard so hard

[grayneckbeard96]

My condolences to you and their friends and family.

What a shame and a total waste; it takes away a person's every future possibility.

Things are very rarely ever that bad.

No job is worth it.

No circumstances are worth it.

No relationship is worth it.

No property is worth it.

No funk is worth it.

Progressive incurable/debilitating conditions maybe.

When someone is depressed, they tend to experience one or more of these changes:

- Cognitive distortions (including over-catastrophizing and assuming the worst) - Miscalibrated/misinterpreted orders-of-magnitude about how good or bad things seem. Inflict a mild setback on someone who is depressed, it can seem life-ending to them. (Ask me how I know.)

- All-or-nothing (black & white) thinking - Little nuance. Also, tends to lack a sense of humor and be dramatic as well.

- Hyper-vigilance / paranoia - Anxious all the time. Easily startled. "That shadow over there might get me." "There's snipers on that roof over there, I know it."

- Less situational awareness

- Looking at the ground more

- Less eye-contact with others

- Avoiding social interactions

- Less time outdoors during the daytime

- Sleeping more

- Sleep pattern disturbances

- Sensitivities to light/sound

- Eating less or more (losing/gaining weight)

- Unhealthy diet

- Wearing darker clothes

- Less attention to appearance/grooming

- Not exercising

Life ProTip(TM): When life seems down, get a pet (if you can properly house, water, feed, groom, and meet their attention and veterinary needs. And be sure you know how much time, money and work you're getting into... and puppies and cats like to chew and explore.)

Between the ages of about 8 and 27, I vividly-fantasized about self-termination quite often in a myriad of methods.

[fdsgnr0g90n0fw]

>No job is worth it.

I suspect that may be because you have something else in your life that you value. Thing is there's plenty of people that have no friends, no family, no possession. Nothing to value other then little meager work they do.

Take that away, and what would someone like that have left?

[Nextgrid]

Decoded version (trigger warning, it talks about suicide):

> my housemate committed suicide last night :( it’s hard to know why. apparent reason is that he was stressed from working everyday for last 4 years. I guess this a reminder for all of us that we need to look after our mental health and seek help if you are stressed.

[rckoepke]

I don't feel this is appropriate. For whatever reason, the OP specifically encoded it to bypass text searches of archived pages. Most of the people here can identify and decode base64, or at least OP intended the message for those who could.

I don't understand why OP chose to provide his message this way but I think it's good to respect his wishes here while he's processing the event. He put a certain amount of trust into the community and it's possible that having community members post the plaintext like this would give him additional regret.