[nnd]

> Even if you’re not a wizard with words, dating sites also offer an absolute advantage: the sheer number of users. How can you find love that’s one in a million by hanging out at a bar that welcomes at most five new faces every night? Do “friends of friends” introduce you to 20 potential dates a day?

This assumption strikes me as a fallacy. I never understood why even bother with online dating where odds are severely skewed for guys, when it's so much easier to find dates through your social circle, aka simply doing what you love and organically surrounding yourself with interesting women.

[colmvp]

Yeah I will say this: As an Asian dude, my experience with dating sites has been pretty mediocre. Literally thousands of profile interactions, handful of mutual responses, and dates with women where it was clear neither of us were super interested in one another.

I posted a graphic of the results on HN a few years ago where I pulled data from CoffeeMeetBagel of every outcome based on ethnicity in my city that's mostly composed of non-Asians (I don't personally care about ethnicity but w/e), and well.. it was about what the stereotypes would suggest about Asian guys as undesirable individuals.

In contrast, my experience with randomly meeting romantic interests either through work, school, or mutual interests (i.e. hobby meetups) have been more fulfilling, diverse, and statistically probable.

[atom-morgan]

My experience is pretty similar to yours. I'm a pretty good looking guy and I'm in great physical shape but I feel like two completely different people irl vs. online dating.

IRL, I feel pretty marketable even in America. Girls aren't googly-eyed or anything, but I feel pretty confident in my ability to at least secure a date.

But when I go on online dating apps? I might as well be Sloth from the Goonies. This only applies to America btw - in Asian countries it's a completely different story.

[scottlocklin]

I've done plenty of online dating in my day, and I guess I have no complaints about my relative success at it (most of which was done in ultra competitive Bay Area), but I've always found that winning at it is sort of like winning an argument on the internet or a race in the special olympics.

You can tell almost precisely zero about the person on the other end of the internet machine, so it becomes a ridiculous numbers game. Beats nightclubs if you're new to a city I guess, but otherwise "make more friends."

[justlikehoney]

I feel you bro. If you don't check the boxes, you just get filtered out. Online dating is a shitshow if you're not in the top 10% of what the average women deems attractive (i.e., tall, white/European, and fit).

[yareally]

I found my future wife through online dating, but I attribute it to persistence, numbers and a little luck. I met her after going on at least 100-150 dates with around 100 women over 18 months. She had only started dating online for about a month before we met and had only gone on less than a dozen dates.

Coincidentally, it was around the time I was about to call it quits with online dating. I was glad I didn't though because we clicked instantly in a way I hadn't with other women I had dated. I went on dates with women of many different backgrounds, careers, education, etc, but it wasn't easy to find someone that I could see myself with long term. I approached in a scientific way to find what I liked in a relationship and what I didn't in hopes it would eventually filter out potentially bad dates before going on them based on stats collected from previous dates and conversations.

Would I do it all again? It was worth it in the end, but at the time it was starting to emotionally wear on me. Definitely not a path for those that can't take rejection or having to be the one rejecting. Most people don't take it well, no matter how you package it. Learned a lot about people and behavior that I think made me a better person in retrospect.

[chrisseaton]

> I met her after going on at least 100-150 dates with around 100 women over 18 months.

Wow that's insane. How much time and actual money did it cost you to go on all those dates?

When I was younger people didn't really date at all. You just naturally met people and if you started a relationship then that's what happened. There was no stilted 'dating' period with coffee, drinks, dinner. You were either a couple or not.

[yareally]

Probably not as much as one would think, but still a fair amount when you add up travel/driving/drinks/activities.

First dates were always a drink somewhere and maybe an activity. That could be an arcade bar, board games, gallery hop, a weekend event in the city or something else more unique than dinner + movie. 100-150 dates was only 5-8 dates a month or 10-16 hours usually. Not as much time as one might think when they would be spending it on video games, happy hour or something similar. I just used it as a chance to improve social skills and meet random people I may not normally meet. If it happened to become something more, then even better.

First dates were 1-2 hours at the most, though I broke that rule with my future wife and we stayed out way into the morning just talking about random things. The best dates were the ones where my date insisted on paying her share in some way. Usually that meant I bought a drink and they bought one or I bought a game and then they bought the next. It might be obvious advice, but if a woman really likes you (I assume the same goes with dating men as well), they'll make it easy. If they don't, it's probably better to cut your losses sooner rather than later.

I don't suggest my experience to everyone, but it gave me the assurance that I knew when I finally met my future wife, that she was the one for me based on my prior dating history. Those previous dates weren't all in vain, even if they seemed like they might be at the time.

[galfarragem]

> The best dates were the ones where my date insisted on paying her share in some way.

Great tip. It really matches my experience and makes lots of sense: she doesn't want to risk showing like she's taking advantage of you. By the other hand, If she can't see a future together, usually, she will not care.

[tlb]

Cost of 150 dates: maybe $10k. Cost of marrying the wrong person: unlimited, plus years of suffering.

[strenholme]

It can be as little as $1500, if one makes a point to go to a coffee shop and have the first date over coffee. Indeed, the date where I fell in love with my wife was a $5 coffee shop date.

[notyourday]

> How much time and actual money did it cost you to go on all those dates?

One really needs to ask himself ( or herself ) a question : what are you living for? Are you going to take that money to your after life or would you rather spend it and ( hopefully ) have a good time while doing it?

[chrisseaton]

> what are you living for?

Not 150 dates with random people, that's for sure! Sounds like hell!

[p1esk]

Sorry to hear that. > 80% of all dates I've been on have been a pleasant and exciting experience, even when it didn't lead to anything more.

[notyourday]

I am very fascinated by the single mindedness of most of Americans. It is as if their entire adult life was about being finding that special someone ( just one ) through the trial and tribulations of misery.

I'm with you -- most of my dates have been very pleasant even if we ended up not being compatible on a romantic level. Some of them became very good friends.

[dogma1138]

It depends I’m on a work trip to TLV and after exhausting the hospitality of my colleagues and the two waitresses at Mike’s Place that would give me their numbers to hang out I turned to Tinder and got a date for every night, I’m not entirely sure how to do that in a normal social setting where most women would be already on dates or in groups which makes picking them up that much harder unless you are aiming at picking up borderline legal age drunk girls at a night club online dating seems to be the best option.

At the end of the day people that go to dating sites are there for the same reason as you are which makes things that much easier.

Also if anything I found that picking up girls IRL tends to be easier in the right setting if you aren’t too good with words since basic attraction and chemistry can play a role whilst on a dating app or a site you need to be able to talk to them in order for them to actually want to meet you.

This hypothesis is fortified by the fact that most women rate the attractiveness of men much lower based their pictures alone than they would rate them normally in a social setting.

[greglindahl]

> when it's so much easier to find dates through your social circle

Do you think that's true for everyone else?