| > I'm trying to figure out if my feelings are rational or irrational. Your feelings are your feelings, rationality doesn't not come into play. Your emotions do no define you unless you have allowed them control over you actions. Processing and reconciling them with your identity is the only way to the other side. > When we started dating, my side gigs got in the way of our dating lifestyle You aren't dating your wife anymore. I have no idea how much time has passed, but your decision to take on less side work then, should have no bearing on how much time your wife dedicates to her career now. > She tells me I'm unsupportive of her because I'm jealous of her success If the words, 'You are jealous of my success' came out of her mouth, I would love to know what action or statement it was in response to. Are you supportive? Are there things that she wants from you that you are willing and able to do? Are there things you are not prepared to do? Discuss with her honestly about your needs and short comings; with no expectations except that she will hear you say the words. > I just feel like I'm fighting for some respect for myself Do you respect yourself? Long term relationships are work and can cause our identity to be deeply tied to another. Reconnecting and accepting yourself is difficult but is require for true lasting self respect. It cannot be found in anyone else. > I really do want my wife to be successful and happy, but Is your wife happy? Is she in pain, over worked, lonely? Camaraderie around a shared pain or difficulty can be reconciling. > I also don't want to be required to live with this feeling of sacrifice. You are married with children, sacrifice is the life you signed up for. It is the blood, sweat and tears of raising the next generation, this is life. That could be a bad choice for you personally, but realizing and coming to terms with the facts of your situation is the first step to finding out how to make it better. |
The comment about jealousy of her career was part of a recent spat that came about because I was annoyed at a situation related to her work travel. She was going to be away for just a day and a half, but then asked to take the morning before to exercise because she had been too busy at work the previous day and she uses exercise as her escape, so she "needs" it. In my mind, that is clearly saying, "my job was more important than exercise [OK, no problem], and now my exercise is more important than my family." On the surface, that's not a terrible statement, but then my mind says, "so that implies your job is more important than your family," which to me is not OK. Ultimately, it's not a big deal, she can go exercise in the morning, I can handle the kids and get them off to school, and me to work. But this situation really makes me angry about her priorities. As soon as I voice that, it's a fight and she actually turns it into an argument about feminism and says I'm trying to make a power play and keep her down. It's actually bizarre to me, to the point that I can't tell if I'm crazy because of the way she is reacting -- have I really said something to bring on a fight about feminism?
> Do you respect yourself?
That's a great question, and I always thought I did, but maybe not like I should. I'm healthy, I have a good job (by most standards, extremely good), but am I living up to my full potential? Probably not, and maybe that is disappointing.
> Is your wife happy?
Right now, I'd say definitely not. She is overworked, and outside of work she is going through a lot with a crazy family situation right now. She recently told me she cried twice in her office one day, but then refused to talk to me about it because "it's too stressful to talk about." That was another issue that made me feel like I'm on the outside and her job is on the inside.
> sacrifice is the life you signed up for
Yes, I know this. The thing I'm having a hard time coming to terms with is the disparate sacrifice between the two of us.
> realizing and coming to terms with the facts of your situation
I think this is the biggest thing I need to get out of this. It actually felt like a weight was immediately lifted when I was able to realize and vocalize this feeling that I might subconsciously be trying to sabotage her job because I see it as a higher priority in our relationship than me. I'm now wondering if I can embrace this role as the family catch-all that picks up responsibilities she's unable to share instead of feeling resentful about it. I'm hoping as long as I can recognize it as what it is, I'll be OK with it in the long run. But as I mentioned before, the thought of a slippery slope of sacrifice scares me. It's really not type of person I've ever been.