Far from "nearly equally" as bad, at least Nate's text is easily interpreted in the intended way. His grammer may be very stiff and incorrect, but for a non-native speaker who probably doesn't live in Japan, give him some slack.
That said, I did enjoy his construction 「あなたは日本語で書くことができます。私はあなたを助けるつもりです。」Trying to preserve the jerky tone: "You are able to write japanese! It is my intention to rescue YOU."
Wow. Google actually did a pretty good job with that one.
Although I have to admit, the sentences are short and unnaturally terse, so google would have an easy time with it.
It actually sounds better in the Google-translated english than his Japanese. :/
I do like that he wrote his name two different ways in the same message. (Ne-to vs Neito)
Mr. Matsumoto, Hi. This is Nate.
Google translator, the incompetence which is vulgar. (Laughs) Make sure to email me directly. You can write in Japanese. I will help you.
Sadly, no goats.