[twayamznacct]

"Awful" would be the first word that comes to mind.

I've spent three years at my current position at one of the "big 5", and after the first 9 months there were reorgs and I haven't been doing the things I was hired to do since. Instead I work on things that I have zero interest towards, and can feel my soul being sucked out of me daily.

It has gotten to the point where I cannot even imagine heading in to work each morning. My entire body and mind rejects the notion. Somehow I manage to make it in on autopilot, and pretty much autopilot throughout the day. Any acts of sentience on my part while at the office are immediately doused with reminders of how much I hate all of this, and I quickly retreat back.

Unfortunately, this has done nothing but cause an ever-amplifying depression spiral. At this stage I can't even imagine trying to get another job as I don't think I'm capable of passing the whiteboard-hazing at any tech company given my current state of mind.

I'm just going to wither away here until the end I imagine.

To be fair: it's not "awful" by any traditional metric - I'm not being overworked, yelled at, treated like shit, etc. But acknowledging that doesn't help my thoughts, any.

[steve_adams_86]

Is it really disappointing to get hired at one of these places so many people admire and desire, only to find it's nothing special at all? Or is the problem something else?

I've wondered about that. My job isn't spectacular, it's pretty good. I used to want to strive for a spot in a bigger/high impact/significant company like Amazon or Apple for example, but eventually came to realize I'd probably never do anything interesting there, even if I was capable of it. I don't know. I used to feel like I missed the boat and my career would never be as rewarding because of it. These days... Starting to feel like I'm actually doing alright, making the most with what I've got.

I stopped pursuing that career direction because I'm geo-locked, so to speak. I can't leave this city.

Anyway, sorry you're having a terrible time. I've been there. I hope the situation improves soon. Maybe you should bank everything you can, take time off, then get back to finding work with a fresh mind. Good luck.

[twayamznacct]

For me, at least, the problem is something else. I never expected it to be "special" at any of these places...I'd likely be exactly this unhappy doing the same meaningless work I'm doing here, elsewhere. I just took the jobs because they paid well and, at least at the beginning, I was going to be doing things that were of reasonable interest.

I tried the "take time off route" once, and while it was alright, I was consumed with thoughts of whether or not I'd ever be able to get a job again, to the point where I couldn't enjoy it simply because I worried about the future (and it wasn't because I only had a few months of runway - living frugally I could have likely stretched my savings to two years or so, but the panic got to me after half a year).

I, quite frankly and totally honestly, don't see any way out at this point. I live life in an aimless fog, with no drive towards anything any more (which also makes it very difficult to do things like study for whiteboard-hazing).

[zapperdapper]

I would talk to someone directly. You sound very unhappy.

I wasn't quite clear if the problem was the work or the company? It's something that needs to be dived into and had a good look at because there could be imbalance in your life leading to depression. So you need to look at things like diet, sleep, exercise, relationship etc. It's possible you need to rebalance - it's possible you need a new career. A career break should never be a hindrance to a new job, and should often be a selling point, as long as you've used that time sensibly.

So in short, talk to a career coach or counsellor. Try and get some more face to face help. You say you work for a big company - they often have help lines for employees run by third parties - use it!

[twayamznacct]

> I wasn't quite clear if the problem was the work or the company?

I honestly don't have a complete answer for this. I mean, I know the work is a major problem, but it's not the only factor by far. It's definitely the one front and center, however.

As for other "life" things, I believe I do well there. I get 8 hours of sleep, I exercise 4 days a week, eat healthy, etc. No relationships but I'm antisocial to a tremendous degree so there's not much helping me there.

I appreciate the comments. Thank you!

[zapperdapper]

> No relationships but I'm antisocial to a tremendous degree so there's not much helping me there.

That may be partly the issue. Studies into "happiness at work" often show it's not the work itself that necessarily determines happiness, but the quality of the relationships you have at work. For example, some work that may seem tedious and dull can become quite interesting if you are working on it together with someone you like and respect - and it's even better if you can have a blast with them. On my last gig for example I was doing dreadfully tedious work, but it was made better because several people I worked with were just awesomely nice people and we tried to have some fun too. Perhaps there's someone at work that you can buddy up with, and your manager might be able to help you there.

Having a relationship can be an important factor too - apart from anything it helps you get out of your own head and relax. Do you do any social activities on the weekend? It might be worth joining a cycling club, a running club or even a Crossfit box - you say you like exercise, something where there are other people to talk to. Just being around other people and talking to them will help - I know this is like hell on Earth if you are basically shy, so this is something you are going to have to ease into gently and get support if you need it - it will get easier.

Having said all that this is a difficult thing to diagnose and remedy via HN! As mentioned before you might find it worth talking to a career coach or perhaps even a counsellor. Feel free to email me if you want.

[kasey_junk]

You are describing fairly text book depression symptoms that may have no relation to work.

Think about talking to a professional about this.

[twayamznacct]

Thank you - I have thought about this on and off but the thought of speaking to someone about this in-person (or even over the phone) terrifies me to the point of almost breaking down just thinking about it.

I know it's irrational, and I know I need to do it, but that doesn't make it any easier :(

[tptacek]

Have you never done it before? It's intimidating walking through the door, but you'll rapidly discover that there's nothing terrifying about it. Professionals are really good at talking to you about your concerns. You might get lucky and find that your problems stem from the kind of anxiety that dissipates if you can just have someone guide you through venting it fully and clearly in a venue where nobody is judging you.

[aennyta]

I am really sorry to hear that. I can't say I have been there, but I was going down that line and so I took a career break. I didn't even feel I need it, but once I was on the break and stepped back from everything, I realised how bad the situation was before.

Since career break didn't work out for you, I really strongly suggest talking to a professional. I would start with company's HR and counsellor (they often have them in "big 5") and ask for some time off for medical reasons. Personal well-being is the most important thing. Being on autopilot and feeling miserable might lead to even worse things, so please step back and talk to someone in person.

[joedavison]

I would recommend trying to find an internal transfer. That way you don't have to do another round of whiteboard interviews, but you might find a better / more interesting project to work on. Any change of scenery might help.

[twayamznacct]

Everything I've read has led me to believe that whiteboard interviews for internal hires/transfers are still a thing at this particular company, so I've avoided even that...

[John_Cena]

Don't give up friend. After 10 months of waiting I got an offer to move. I hope circumstances change for you going forward.

[matt_the_bass]

What city?

[wetpaws]

I bet it's Amazon or Google

[twayamznacct]

I was at Amazon in the past but I am not currently there. That's as much as I'll narrow things down :)

-Edit- I used this acct as a throwaway in the past to respond to an Amazon-related topic and then just kept using it!