Ask HN: What do you think of this sales email? and the ending call to action?

[fosokoko]

Hello ,

We are a local company, we have built a (one liner intro).

You can use our service <user story>

We are already deploying in <another industry but same function>

I can give you a 15 minute demo at your convenience. Please let me know if there is a suitable time for us to connect.

Thank you for your time. Your input will be immensely helpful to a young company.

Regards,

[sharemywin]

To me that's spam.

1. find a way to personalize. visit their website etc.

2. focus on what you can do for them. ie.

Are you looking for a way to get more customers for your new business?

Is your website getting the traffic it should?

Could your business benefit from a 1000% increase in website traffic?

[fosokoko]

Should I start the second para with these type questions ? right after the one liner intro?

[sharemywin]

most of what I've done has been around adwords lead gen. not cold emails.

and the ads/landing page has pretty specific formula. not to say their isn't a better way.

example: http://www.bid2mow.com/Vendor/index.html

[JSeymourATL]

> I can give you a 15 minute demo at your convenience.

I don't have 15 minutes to give, especially for a lame demo. (not to come off harsh, I'm sure it's brilliantly done)

First question-- is this relevant to me? What problems do you solve?

Recommend Oren Klaff on Pitching your idea > https://imnotmarvin.com/deep-dive-oren-klaff-on-how-to-write...

[troydavis]

Skip the entire cold email and figure out a way to get the people you think should care about your thing, to care.

Generally “content marketing” is the term for that, but a better way to think about it is: think of the problems faced by the people who might use your thing. What do they think about? What other tools do they use?

Now, go write useful blog posts about that stuff. If you publish interesting things, people will actually want to hear from you. You’ll earn their trust and won’t need to beg or spam for it.

Seth Godin explains this well: http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2008/01/permission-m...

… and the first 4 chapters of his book are online: http://www.sethgodin.com/permission/thanks.asp

[fosokoko]

great resource thank you for your insight!

[leff_f]

Great idea to ask input on HN! The message you are sending (purely IMHO) We are a local company.... - We are important! You can use our service... - Working with us is optional We are already deploying in ... Our success doesn't depend on you I can give you a 15 minute demo ... - I'll just use some of your time Thank you for your time. Your input.... - After all I said, we kinda need you.

[leff_f]

Let's apply a formula to your email: You are important to us and we need your input I care about you and I'll take as little of your time as possible I'd like to give you something important and will not waste your time I appreciate the time you already spent! Let's work together!

Hope this structure helps.

[leff_f]

To be fair. Here are the good things: good idea to talk about what is the company and how the service could be used. Great idea to mention the previous success. "Your input will be … " - very good!

[fosokoko]

What do you think of the last line? should I nix it ?

[leff_f]

The last line is the only one I really liked. LOL

[fosokoko]

LOL!!

[leff_f]

Sorry for missing line breaks :(

[leff_f]

Hope this helps.