[leff_f]

Great idea to ask input on HN! The message you are sending (purely IMHO) We are a local company.... - We are important! You can use our service... - Working with us is optional We are already deploying in ... Our success doesn't depend on you I can give you a 15 minute demo ... - I'll just use some of your time Thank you for your time. Your input.... - After all I said, we kinda need you.

[leff_f]

Let's apply a formula to your email: You are important to us and we need your input I care about you and I'll take as little of your time as possible I'd like to give you something important and will not waste your time I appreciate the time you already spent! Let's work together!

Hope this structure helps.

[leff_f]

To be fair. Here are the good things: good idea to talk about what is the company and how the service could be used. Great idea to mention the previous success. "Your input will be … " - very good!

[fosokoko]

What do you think of the last line? should I nix it ?

[leff_f]

The last line is the only one I really liked. LOL

[fosokoko]

LOL!!

[leff_f]

Sorry for missing line breaks :(

[leff_f]

Hope this helps.