[allovera]

This article had me in tears. I grew up so poor I often didn't have shoes and wore dollar-store flip flops in the winter.

Deadbeat dad, opiate addict mother. I was shuffled constantly from relative to relative, friend's house to friend's house. I had some very supportive teachers, including one who paid for my AP tests and SATs. I got an offer to a university in the UC system. Life was looking up!

In the last semester of my senior year, my stepmom kicked me out of my dad's house. I shuffled back and forth between friends' houses, too embarrassed to explain the situation to an adult. I had to sleep rough a few times and got pneumonia from not having a whooping cough vaccination. I coughed so hard my ribs cracked. I missed a class where I had to turn in a midterm, my teacher wouldn't accept it late ("you kids always make up excuses"), I couldn't get a doctor's note because I hadn't been to the doctor. Welp, failed the class. The university rescinded my admission for the failed grade. I lost all my scholarships. I ended up bouncing around homeless shelters for a few months while I recovered my health.

Eventually, I went to community college, transferred to a top 10 university. Now I work at Amazon as an SDE and make well over six figures. Happy ending, right? Well, no -- for years, I blamed myself for "blowing" that university opportunity. I felt horrible. I felt so ashamed.

[mixmastamyk]

Well, now you can forgive yourself and be proud of what you've accomplished and will continue to.

[allovera]

I find the opposite - I'm deeply ashamed about growing up in poverty and rarely admit it. When it comes up, I find it creates distance between myself and my co workers. They get uncomfortable and I always feel like they think I am judging them somehow.

I don't seem poor anymore: thousands of dollars on dental care, I dress OK, I have a fairly polished accent now. I don't talk to most of my family. My old friends live several thousand miles away and their world of drug abuse, poverty, and dysfunction is now one I only experience via the occasionally post I read on my Facebook feed.

The PTSD remains -- the anxiety attacks in the middle of the night when I think I hear yelling, the flinching and heart palpitations when a co-worker sneaks up on me as a joke. I feel ashamed to mention this as well, because PTSD seems to have become a fashionable affliction to claim to have, like Celiac disease. I look for all intents and purposes like a normal 20something white girl. The few times I mentioned PTSD I actually saw someone eye roll. They don't know about flashbacks to homeless shelters, finding people OD'd in bathrooms, being attacked for just existing.

I think the social circles I now move in have made all of this unmentionable. I am glad the author of this piece is at least bringing it up and talking about it. The isolation I feel among co workers and friends now is often very intense.

[heimatau]

I'm with you in a lot of this. I grew up poor and all I've known is poverty. I clinch my pennies but I'm generous when I'm able. But I do have a very real awareness of my impending doom, be it a financial mishap or whatever.

If it wasn't for 'Obama Care' I wouldn't be on Strattera for my ADD. Nor would've I been suggested this [1] for my anxiety, by my doctor. It's helped me significantly, a DIY assistance for coping with anxiety.

I have a mild form PTSD. When you said 'flashbacks...middle of the night screaming'. It triggered an affirmation that I do have PTSD. I've been struggling with this idea for quiet some time but...it's mild and not constant. I know you're not a doctor nor do I want to get into all the details but growing up in an abusive/malnorished home, it's very real. Heck, I became homeless as an adult too.

Finally, I want to gently suggest you look into getting help. Meaning, a shrink. Either doing talk therapy or consider medications, if they are truly needed. Keep in mind, it's not a black/white science. You'll need to experiment with your treatment to find what suits you best. I went on 4 different ADD meds before Strattera was a solid fit. Adderall helped but...the side effects were bad. Also, soonish, I've be working with someone to help aid my psychological restoration. ADD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and assertiveness will be my topics that I'd like to tackle because even though I'm doing decent now, I do need a helping mind to help me navigate through these issues/challenges in my life.

[1] - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/160623918X/ref=oh_aui_sear...

[mixmastamyk]

As a I mentioned above, please consider therapy. It's not perfect, but you deserve to find some happiness. There may be some groups where you can find people with similar backgrounds, such as drug-survivors (al-anon etc).

Also, time may heal. I'm old enough that my unhappy adolescence now feels like a dream, even though there are some lasting effects.

[grokas]

Do you have a psychologist? Maybe you could spend some of those six figures to clear the air with someone about all of this instead of telling people they are making asses out of themselves.

I understand you're quite pressured socially to 'fit in' with all the other people that make the same money you do... In fact social pressures to look as if you are well off is a big issue in our time.

What I find interesting is that your upbringing is really that unmentionable. In my opinion, your experiences give you a drive few could ever hone. Your rags to riches story may indeed garner you more true friends than you know. Sharing your personal story is inspiring to many and can help others deal with their own problems.

Don't be ashamed of where you come from. Be proud that you have risen above. You should see yourself as an example that it CAN be done, and that despite all of your hardships, here you are, working for one of the big guys, able to share your experiences for others to learn.

Best of luck to you in the future.

[rubberstamp]

There is nothing to be ashamed of something you had no say in. People judge all the time on anything and everything. You should stop caring about being judged and always try to do the right thing. You should be proud of how you did yourself despite loss of opportunities.

[tomrod]

I came from a poorer background too. To this day I find it hard for me to connect with people. I get the anxiety too, and have been spared the severe ptsd. I don't have any sage words of advice or opinions, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[totalZero]

You should be proud.

There are a lot of people who fight hard battles and don't win in the end.

It says something good about you that you overcame a bad initial hand, as well as a blindside tackle late in your college career.

Also, it may be the case that others in your social circle had similar experiences, but like you, they don't feel comfortable mentioning it.

[simplemath]

Internalized fear of abandonment, shame, and undervaluing of self-worth... Takes years of work to undo, even after you've made it.

My story is similar to the parent comment - not as severe, but close.

I'm doing well now, but I suffer deeply from impostor syndrome and am constantly waiting to be fired, or cast out or sent back to the bread line, even though, rationally, I know that these are not likely, or even possible outcomes.

You can't divorce yourself from your own past, no matter how high you climb or far you run to escape it.

[cheez]

Fuuuuck dude.. You elaborated more eloquently than I ever could have.

Reality: I've been making more than $200K USD since I was about 27

Mentality: I'm one day away from being homeless.

I've been in therapy for 5 years but I've never touched this thought process yet. I think I need to.

[allovera]

>Mentality: I'm one day away from being homeless.

Exactly that. A while ago, I had to move. I just collapsed. It brought back too much about being kicked out over and over again. And yet, I can't seem to stop moving. I've lived in four states and two countries and I'm only 25. I think after being homeless so long I am just eternally homeless.

[cheez]

I'm forcing myself to accept that I deserve good things, so I got an amazing apartment downtown in my city that has an incredible view. The plan is to renovate this apartment and make it a home.

The mentality was so bad that for the last 15 years, I didn't even have a bed. I would just sleep on the floor.

Last year, by fluke, I ended up in a place where I had a regular bed. It was foreign to me.

All kinds of fucked up.

[carapace]

Q: "What's the most important human drive?"

A: "Familiarity."

Sometimes you've just got to fake it til you make it. Since the real world is working okay for you now I feel this advice is appropriate. I've been there. Heck, I'm there now. I'm looking for a new apartment and I have to convince myself it's okay to rent a nice one! LOL

-----

edit: I read your other post talking about PTSD and, yeah, do look into therapy. There are lots of different kinds out there. I recommend going to a few people before settling down with one or two. And even then if they're not helping, keep looking. There is a huge variability in people who hang out a shingle as therapists. Some are magic, others not so much, and it's different for each person who will be able to help them the most. Speaking from experience here. :) Good luck, God bless, and hand in there.

[allovera]

I've done lots of therapy. Really! It's very sweet how worried everyone in this thread is about me, but maybe I've painted a dire picture.

Time heals all wounds. I'm only 25, it's only been 6.5 years since I was last homeless. Even though it hasn't been too much time, I already feel quite a bit better:

* I used to have anxiety attacks and heart palpitations nearly nightly; now, it happens maybe 2x a year.

* "Money isn't everything - unless you don't have it." Without financial stress (yay corporate programmer salary!), I am much calmer and happier. Most people on HN are men so I don't know if you will understand this, but women (at least in the US) are often pressured to go into a "do-gooder" career. People look at me like I'm a snail when I say that I care first and foremost about being financially independent, but I've learned to ignore it.

* I've completely cut out toxic family members and learned to ignore any asshole that says "you will regret not having a relationship with ____ when he/she is gone"/"the bible says 'honor thy mother and thy father'" etc. If you say these things to someone coming from a family of abuse, you are very tone deaf. No one cuts family out of their life on a whim.

* Everyone talks about "not being a victim", but for me it was a very healing thing to admit that there were a bunch of bad situations where I was surrounded by bad people and did nothing wrong. Maybe it was pride that kept me from admitting this. Maybe shame. Maybe misplaced affection. Whatever the reason, once I shook this off I was able to move on.

In summary: it's okay to admit you've been a victim. It's okay to cut toxic people out of your life. It's okay to be selfish and "materialistic" sometimes. It's okay to ignore people judging you for things that they cannot understand.

Once I learned these life lessons, I left behind a lot of my issues. The more "physical" ones, such as startling easily and having nightmares, are relatively lightweight compared to the more insidious psychological damage caused by years of living with addicts and being treated like my needs were secondary to those of everyone around me.

I don't know if anyone reading this could be in the same situation as my teenage self, but if you're out there: please tell everyone trying to use you to go kick rocks. Know that you can do a lot of very awesome things, as long as you keep your mind open. And you are not "broken"! I won't lie and say Nietzsche was right about "what doesn't kill you" -- but you're never broken, not until you give up. Don't do that.

[jedmeyers]

> Reality: I've been making more than $200K USD since I was about 27

> Mentality: I'm one day away from being homeless.

In the US those two things are not always exclusive, unfortunately.

[allovera]

I'd love to talk to people in a similar situation. I just feel very out of place all the time. Imposter Syndrome is not quite right, but close enough.

[simplemath]

I've just learned to live with it, and try to manage my anxiety by refocusing the intrusive thoughts into some kind of "mana well" where i use it as energy to work harder, or center me more or as a tool to remind myself how far I've come, etc. To try to let the beast be my pet so to speak.

That can be kind of its own trap too, in a meta kind of way - if i get in that "place" where im using fear to fuel me, I can start to reinforce the fear itself and tattoo it even more on my psyche.

Ultimately its just part of who I am. I've learned to accept it.

It's also a strength. I can work circles around almost anyone, and in the face of some problem at work, no matter how "serious" it is - compared to the very real adversities I've overcome in my life, work domain problems are an idyllic wet dream by comparison.

The emotions are still there though. They kind of hang like a spectre. That's just life though, I suppose. Memory is a funny thing.

[pjc50]

Post-traumatic stress disorder, it sounds like. You have my sympathies.

[kamaal]

I feel like this all the time.

I feel like I'm always having one last chance at anything life and it will be curtains should I fail, despite knowing fairly well such a thing might never come to pass.

[mixmastamyk]

Of course, life is difficult and we continue on. "Giving back" can help. If the rational mind cannot persevere, perhaps consider therapy. Nothing to be ashamed of.

[rubberstamp]

I am sorry you had such a tough time. I think your dad and mom are also the victims in this. If they had money they wouldn't have turned out that way. There are only so many things you can do to make money and sometimes no matter how hard you try, you wouldn't get a job. When you have less money people are very vulnerable to being negative and become depressed. Its so hard to escape from it without proper support, which is almost non-existent in the US. Its just how the US system is. Contrast it with canada and uk or some nordic countries where there is some good social support like in healthcare. You don't have to tell others if they perceive it badly. In my experience only those who were poor can empathize with your situation. I wish you will move away from amazon. I hear horrible stories about how they treat their low level employees.

[allovera]

>I think your dad and mom are also the victims in this.

They had plenty of money. Some people are just bad people. Sometimes these people are someone's parents. You do not know the situation and believe me, you are making a bit of an ass out of yourself.

>I wish you will move away from amazon. I hear horrible stories about how they treat their low level employees.

I'm treated very well here. Amazon depends greatly on the team: mine is a very laid-back, exciting team and we do not have on call. Again, you're making an ass out of yourself.

[rubberstamp]

I wasn't trying to be an ass. I was just saying that poor people have it tough than people without money. As you point out, sometimes even people with money cannot get themselves out of bad choices. I refuse to believe people are born either good or bad. Its the environment people were exposed to and the will power to do the right thing even when its hard that make people good and bad. People do bad things because it takes some effort to do the right thing.

Also about amazon, I wasn't trying to judge you or anything. I was just pointing put how amazon treat their low level employees like shit. Yes there are real costs to running a business. Your amazon team being great workplace for you is a good thing. Your team and the low level employees in warehouses all work for the same person, Jeff Bezos. If you were Jeff, and this came to your notice, would you actually do something about the bad working conditions of low level employees? They are humans after all and they are trying to make a living. Just because this is the only job they can do, doesn't mean they can be treated lowly. If no one reacts to it, then it will continue to be status quo(not advocating violent/rude confrontation). Agree to disagree.

[eternalban]

Have you read 'Into the Magic Shop'?

[1]: http://intothemagicshop.com/