[simplemath]

Internalized fear of abandonment, shame, and undervaluing of self-worth... Takes years of work to undo, even after you've made it.

My story is similar to the parent comment - not as severe, but close.

I'm doing well now, but I suffer deeply from impostor syndrome and am constantly waiting to be fired, or cast out or sent back to the bread line, even though, rationally, I know that these are not likely, or even possible outcomes.

You can't divorce yourself from your own past, no matter how high you climb or far you run to escape it.

[cheez]

Fuuuuck dude.. You elaborated more eloquently than I ever could have.

Reality: I've been making more than $200K USD since I was about 27

Mentality: I'm one day away from being homeless.

I've been in therapy for 5 years but I've never touched this thought process yet. I think I need to.

[allovera]

>Mentality: I'm one day away from being homeless.

Exactly that. A while ago, I had to move. I just collapsed. It brought back too much about being kicked out over and over again. And yet, I can't seem to stop moving. I've lived in four states and two countries and I'm only 25. I think after being homeless so long I am just eternally homeless.

[cheez]

I'm forcing myself to accept that I deserve good things, so I got an amazing apartment downtown in my city that has an incredible view. The plan is to renovate this apartment and make it a home.

The mentality was so bad that for the last 15 years, I didn't even have a bed. I would just sleep on the floor.

Last year, by fluke, I ended up in a place where I had a regular bed. It was foreign to me.

All kinds of fucked up.

[carapace]

Q: "What's the most important human drive?"

A: "Familiarity."

Sometimes you've just got to fake it til you make it. Since the real world is working okay for you now I feel this advice is appropriate. I've been there. Heck, I'm there now. I'm looking for a new apartment and I have to convince myself it's okay to rent a nice one! LOL

-----

edit: I read your other post talking about PTSD and, yeah, do look into therapy. There are lots of different kinds out there. I recommend going to a few people before settling down with one or two. And even then if they're not helping, keep looking. There is a huge variability in people who hang out a shingle as therapists. Some are magic, others not so much, and it's different for each person who will be able to help them the most. Speaking from experience here. :) Good luck, God bless, and hand in there.

[allovera]

I've done lots of therapy. Really! It's very sweet how worried everyone in this thread is about me, but maybe I've painted a dire picture.

Time heals all wounds. I'm only 25, it's only been 6.5 years since I was last homeless. Even though it hasn't been too much time, I already feel quite a bit better:

* I used to have anxiety attacks and heart palpitations nearly nightly; now, it happens maybe 2x a year.

* "Money isn't everything - unless you don't have it." Without financial stress (yay corporate programmer salary!), I am much calmer and happier. Most people on HN are men so I don't know if you will understand this, but women (at least in the US) are often pressured to go into a "do-gooder" career. People look at me like I'm a snail when I say that I care first and foremost about being financially independent, but I've learned to ignore it.

* I've completely cut out toxic family members and learned to ignore any asshole that says "you will regret not having a relationship with ____ when he/she is gone"/"the bible says 'honor thy mother and thy father'" etc. If you say these things to someone coming from a family of abuse, you are very tone deaf. No one cuts family out of their life on a whim.

* Everyone talks about "not being a victim", but for me it was a very healing thing to admit that there were a bunch of bad situations where I was surrounded by bad people and did nothing wrong. Maybe it was pride that kept me from admitting this. Maybe shame. Maybe misplaced affection. Whatever the reason, once I shook this off I was able to move on.

In summary: it's okay to admit you've been a victim. It's okay to cut toxic people out of your life. It's okay to be selfish and "materialistic" sometimes. It's okay to ignore people judging you for things that they cannot understand.

Once I learned these life lessons, I left behind a lot of my issues. The more "physical" ones, such as startling easily and having nightmares, are relatively lightweight compared to the more insidious psychological damage caused by years of living with addicts and being treated like my needs were secondary to those of everyone around me.

I don't know if anyone reading this could be in the same situation as my teenage self, but if you're out there: please tell everyone trying to use you to go kick rocks. Know that you can do a lot of very awesome things, as long as you keep your mind open. And you are not "broken"! I won't lie and say Nietzsche was right about "what doesn't kill you" -- but you're never broken, not until you give up. Don't do that.

[grokas]

Before my first comment, I hadn't seen this comment.

I am your age, you make more than me, and I came from much less dire straights...

In a way, many people could even envy your experiences for the drive it gives you. I have toxic family members and I can tell you from experience that a drug addict in the family is an extra anchor to a sinking boat.

> please tell everyone trying to use you to go kick rocks

Some people think they have 'friends' but really they need to learn this lesson.

I almost have a guilt that I grew up with any amount of money at all and would be very willing to do anything for others, thinking I owed it to them.

You've learned some really important lessons through your life, and you're an inspiring person to have read about.

Thanks again for sharing.

[allovera]

>I almost have a guilt that I grew up with any amount of money at all and would be very willing to do anything for others, thinking I owed it to them.

I never, ever resent people for having had a good upbringing. I always feel happy for people who have two functional parents, who had food and clothing and love. It reminds me that such a life is possible, the world isn't always a terrible place, and there's no point in sinking into cynicism and despair.

I think the best thing that you can do for people who are worse off than yourself is live a model life, one in which you treat people decently, have strong personal boundaries, and love your family and friends. When you are older and you have kids, invite your kids' friends over for dinner. I cannot explain how much it meant to me as a kid to see a family that was loving and happy. It gave me hope and made me realize that my situation was not normal and not OK. "Teach a man to fish" and all that -- my friends' parents taught me to have standards for how families should treat each other, which is why I left mine.

I replied to rubberstamp because I want people to know that they should feel no shame in cutting out toxic family and friends if it is what you need to do.

Also, because I like working at Amazon and it gets a metric tonnnn of HN hate :)

[carapace]

Alright! (Whew) you're rockin it. :-D

[jedmeyers]

> Reality: I've been making more than $200K USD since I was about 27

> Mentality: I'm one day away from being homeless.

In the US those two things are not always exclusive, unfortunately.

[allovera]

I'd love to talk to people in a similar situation. I just feel very out of place all the time. Imposter Syndrome is not quite right, but close enough.

[simplemath]

I've just learned to live with it, and try to manage my anxiety by refocusing the intrusive thoughts into some kind of "mana well" where i use it as energy to work harder, or center me more or as a tool to remind myself how far I've come, etc. To try to let the beast be my pet so to speak.

That can be kind of its own trap too, in a meta kind of way - if i get in that "place" where im using fear to fuel me, I can start to reinforce the fear itself and tattoo it even more on my psyche.

Ultimately its just part of who I am. I've learned to accept it.

It's also a strength. I can work circles around almost anyone, and in the face of some problem at work, no matter how "serious" it is - compared to the very real adversities I've overcome in my life, work domain problems are an idyllic wet dream by comparison.

The emotions are still there though. They kind of hang like a spectre. That's just life though, I suppose. Memory is a funny thing.

[pjc50]

Post-traumatic stress disorder, it sounds like. You have my sympathies.

[kamaal]

I feel like this all the time.

I feel like I'm always having one last chance at anything life and it will be curtains should I fail, despite knowing fairly well such a thing might never come to pass.

[mixmastamyk]

Of course, life is difficult and we continue on. "Giving back" can help. If the rational mind cannot persevere, perhaps consider therapy. Nothing to be ashamed of.