[beachstartup]

i also hate saying and hearing platitudes, but recognize that it's only because people don't know what else to say. by telling them about this unfortunate situation, you're kind of putting them into that position.

these days i only tell my problems to people who have the ability to do something about it, or my closest friends who will commiserate without offering useless responses.

[omginternets]

I have to agree with this. People can't be expected to know what every individual would prefer to hear in every conceivable circumstance.

Platitudes are often an oblique way of saying "I empathize and I wish you the best" while not being discouraging.

Actually saying the above might be preferable, but it's unfair to criticize the gesture, I think. If I mention this, it's because I think there are parallels to be drawn with other, more contentious, issues in which people take more serious offense.

[Double_Cast]

It's absolutely fair to criticize the gesture. You know how SJW's tell outsiders to check their privilege when they make the discussion about themselves? Platitudes similarly make the discussion about themselves instead of the cancer patient. "Fight it." Wow, you're so optimistic! "Eat more fruit." You're so knowledgeable! Since you're a certified nutritionist, am I eating enough Quinoa?

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2012/12/funeral.html

> (...) The hyena is caught awkwardly, so he rests his paws on the woman's shoulders, and now the sobbing woman must associate her last chance to be with what is left of her father with the stale breath of a sycophant waiting for his moment to be relevant.

> And while that's going on others are whispering to the quivering back of her coat, "oh, I'm so sorry", "I'm sure he really loved you", "are you ok?"

> Why did any one of them think they had the power, the right, to interfere with another person's mourning? This was between her and her father and God and no one else. Did no one notice that even the husband had given her space? Did they just think he was being a jerk? "I just wanted to comfort her." No, you didn't know what else to do, so you did that. "I didn't want her to be alone." That's because you are a terrible person.

I.e. the woman struggled to spend her last moments with her father while the surrounding mourners (each vying for her attention) entered a pissing-contest to prove who had more empathy.

[omginternets]

Making the discussion about oneself means its not really a gesture to begin with.

I agree with your example but I think it's a different thing altogether.

[Double_Cast]

What a coincidence. Not only is the gesture supportive, it frames the speaker in a positive light! Just like how startups offer perks like catered lunches because the company cares about work/life balance, right? "How convenient, it just so happens that offering cheap-perks allows us to attract top-talent at half the cost". Notice how the CEO never has to consciously register that s/he's fooling anyone. From inside the mind, it all just looks like a convenient coincidence. Narratives are convenient because they can improve public relations without changing behavior.

Plausible Deniability is why these gestures are socially acceptable. "I'm sorry to hear that" or "that sucks" (i.e. acknowledgment) would suffice. But that's not what Pieter Hintjens' associates told him, is it? Instead, they went the extra mile by offering unwarranted advice. Notice that "I'm sorry to hear that" doesn't connote that the speaker holds relevant information, and is therefore important and worth paying attention to. Regardless of how we define gesture, it is not lost on Hintjens that the stock phrases he receives nudge the conversation in a particular direction.

[vacri]

It's weird that you use the dismissive pejorative 'SJW', then take up their argument yourself.

[nikcheerla]

I think the term has sort of evolved to become less dismissive.

[godshatter]

I saw this first hand when my dad was dying. Now I respond to people who tell me about a loved one who is dying with something like "I'm sorry, how's he holding out?" or "I'm sorry. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know." The last one means, essentially, if you need someone to have a beer with so you can release what's been bottled up, I'm here for you.

The first couple of times I received platitudes, it irked me. Later I realized they were just trying to make me feel better and took it for what it was. Not everyone has gone through this, either themselves or with a loved one.

[Practicality]

True, but I am usually only telling people because they specifically ask how he is doing.

Of course, if you are referring to here on HN, I only posted it to share in the phenomenon. While I appreciate that many are offering sympathy, I certainly wasn't expecting it here :)

[muddyrivers]

As an immigrant who come to America in my 20's, I never fully understand this. I saw people who asked a person who just experienced extreme difficult situations, "are you ok?". Apparently she was not ok. Her husband just passed away and they had two young children. Nobody would be ok unless she is completely heartless. Other sayings, like "it will be fine", "everything will be ok", etc.

[dragonwriter]

> I saw people who asked a person who just experienced extreme difficult situations, "are you ok?". Apparently she was not ok. Her husband just passed away and they had two young children.

In American culture, this use of "Are you okay?" is not at all literal. It is a polite and well-understood way of opening a dialogue in which the other party can detail the problems stemming from the situation under discussion (implicit from the context of the question) with which they require either emotional support or more concrete assistance, without actually asking for assistance, and without the initiator overtly suggesting that the other party needs assistance in the first place. Its a means of offering support within the context of America's culture of maintaining the illusion of self-reliance. (OTOH, because of that culture of self-reliance, even this elliptical opening is expected to be declined in most cases with, in most cases, an "I'm okay" or, when that is so manifestly not the case as to be ludicrous, "I will be okay".)

The more direct forms which do overtly reference a perceived need for assistance ("Is there anything I can do to help?" or, even moreso, "What can I do to help?") are generally considered less polite and less acceptable, particularly in public and/or from more distant acquaintances.

[muddyrivers]

Thank you very much for the explanation. That clears my confusion.