[puderbunna12t]

It sounds like you want a relationship and you're not doing anything about it that works to get one.

There's currently no technology that lessens the fundamental barrier to meeting new people: fear. Online dating, singles events, subculture meetups -- if you see them as a guarantee of some people meeting you, they're snake oil. If you see them as what they are, just opportunities for you to overcome your fear of meeting new people, they'll bear (...) fruit.

Maybe you consider yourself quite outgoing and "not afraid" of talking to people. Well, the fear that stops you meeting new people who you end up with will get you in other ways: fear of intimacy, fear of believing someone likes you.

I bet, after you get into a relationship and you reflect on all the times you hung out with other people, you'll gradually realise there were plenty that liked you, and you just didn't see it, or act on it, at that time.

Whenever I break up, and I want someone new, I get out there and talk to people. A lot of people. Start conversation. This trains you into a certain energy level of relating to strangers, which then carries over into your interactions that are going to matter. The barrier of starting a conversation with people will seem less, because you'll be used to it more.

Also, you might be in a city which doesn't work to be gay. Some cities are more anti gay, go to one more permeable.

If you really don't want to take any effort, and you just want someone else to do all the work, then at least you have to give them an opportunity: get out there and do something where you meet a lot of people. Some of them will try to get close to you.

At the end of the day tho, the thing which works best is to be yourself. So maybe that work on yourself you've been delaying, might be time to get to it. The reason is because when you're yourself the people you meet and connect with are right for you, and also what you offer them is truly you. So if you don't even really know who that is supposed to be at this point, work that out. So maybe get the relationship with yourself first.

[an_tie_hero]

> It sounds like you want a relationship and you're not doing anything about it that works to get one.

Yeah, but since I have no experience (and no one to talk to -- parents don't know I'm gay, for example), I don't know what works.

> I bet, after you get into a relationship and you reflect on all the times you hung out with other people, you'll gradually realise there were plenty that liked you, and you just didn't see it, or act on it, at that time.

I very rarely meet anyone who's openly gay; when I do, they're taken.

Also, it should probably be worth mentioning, I'm not very attractive. I like to think I have a good personality, but I don't naturally attract peoples' interest.

[puderbunna12t]

We know that you don't know what works, that's why you're asking. It's ok for you not to know, and it's ok for me to point out your not knowing is the reason you're not where you want to be, as opposed to pretending there's something inherently wrong with you. The thing in your way is that you don't know, not that you're inherently wrong, and you can improve what you don't know. Correct, you don't know because you don't have experience, and it's not a chicken and egg problem because experience is not "successful experience" experience is trying, and you can hack that by your willingness to try.

People who have a lot of experience, tried a lot of times. Gradually they get more effective, yet it's like training neural networks, everything works better with a LOT of data.

So get out there and get experience. Try, try talking, try asking people out, try being at ease, and you will learn what works for you.

I'm still learning. One hack I used when I was nervous to talk to someone was, I knew what I wanted to say and just too scared to say it, so I'd count to three in my head an force myself to say it. Literally like jumping into water, just force the air out my lungs and mouth to work. Once you're over that first utterance, it's easier. And the more times you practise that, the less hard it is to do. And even better, the more times you listen to your feelings about what you want to say, the more those feelings give you cool stuff to say, and the more clearly you know them.

So there's plenty you can do, the important thing is just to start.

[puderbunna12t]

Maybe one of the things in your way is how comfortable you are with who you are. If you're not openly looking for a relationship, how do you expect to find one?

I get that you just want to be accepted. As attractive an idea as that is -- it's an imposter. The only one whose acceptance or approval matters for you, is yours.

Anyone who doesn't accept you as who you are doesn't see you or isn't worth your attention. Anyone who does is no substitute for you being at ease with yourself.

Attractiveness is a social construct. It's based on things you can control. Confidence. How comfortable you are with who you are. How freely and capably you can express how you feel. It has little to do with appearance -- as long as you pay attention to basics like hygiene. A few things make it easier to be comfortable with who you are, and if you don't have those things and you're still comfortable your victory being at ease with yourself is just more attractive than someone who had to travel a shorter distance to get that ease.

You can hack attractiveness.

Also taking those steps, which are really for you and not for your parents or anyone else, to prove to yourself that you're comfortable with who you are -- will likely make it easier for you to find people who see who you are. This has two sides: either you can choose I don't need to come out to anyone because I don't need their approval, or I will come out to someone because I don't need their approval.

They're both okay ways of being comfortable with yourself, and it's up to you which works for you.

You got to like yourself first. If you don't like it, Change it. If you do like it, stick up for it.