[IkmoIkmo]

I don't quite know what to say... although I nearly wouldn't have, either. My girlfriend fell in love just as I was slipping into this new shut-in life. She had to adjust to me not really wanting to go to a cafe, movie, restaurant, park, museum, party, friends etc. It's the reason I wanted to break up and told her it's not going to work out like this. But she refused and stayed with me, we moved in together and it's been years now. But it hasn't been the same like 2 years earlier when I was a typical boyfriend, interested in participating in all facets of life and doing all of the above mentioned things and enjoying them, too. It's quite strange how it went and I'd still be okay with her finding someone else. I mean don't get me wrong I absolutely adore her but it's just how it is, something irrational.

Same with friends, I've not instigated contact in 2 years now with any of my friends. I still have 3 who hit me up and I go see either of em a few times a month because they want to. But I'd also be okay if they stopped calling.

Same with family. I hate to say it. I'd definitely still check in on them if they stopped calling, the only people really, but there's no real desire to hang out or talk, I'd just be really curious and concerned about how they're doing but not more than that.

So it's really because of them, not me. Wish it was all like 3 years ago. Now I couldn't even get excited for a free holiday trip. Hell I used to love that. Traveled Europe, Africa, Asia and North America by the time I was 20. Now I don't even want to walk in the park when it's nice outside, and I literally live next to a park. Crazy how a brain can change for no discernible reason.

When did things start to change for you, has it always been like this?

[JohnBooty]

This is similar to my life in a lot of ways! I feel you on a lot of these things. Although I was always pretty happy spending most of my time alone, and I didn't do a lot of traveling.

I think if I had to sum it all up, I'd say that the things I value just aren't really obtained by doing a lot of shallow socializing. I'd rather have a few very close friends, and I'd rather do a few things very well than do a bunch of things on a superficial level.

One thing that really helped me was getting a dog a few years ago. It was my wife's idea so I can't take any credit for it. But having a living (and loving) creature depending on me has definitely been good for getting me to take plenty of walks. I don't ever want to recommend a dog as some kind of self-improvement tool... they're sentient creatures, not accessories, and are a big commitment! But he's really been a wonderful influence.

  > Traveled Europe, Africa, Asia and North America by the time 
  > I was 20. 

Do you think it's possible that you don't feel a need to do these things precisely because you've already done them?

[IkmoIkmo]

> Do you think it's possible that you don't feel a need to do these things precisely because you've already done them?

Mmm good question. When I was a bit younger there was definitely an urge to do things I'd never done before. Travel, go to college, live on my own, girlfriend etc. And certainly there's a sense that this first-time's urge is gone.

But I've also always enjoyed things I had already done. Meeting friends or playing another game of football like hundreds before, going dancing etc, I used to like doing them weekly or monthly even when I'd have done them tens of times before. But not anymore so that's new. And when I came back from Asia I certainly didn't feel like I'd seen it all. I mean those 4 continents sound like a bigger deal than they are. I've seen only 2 countries in each of those continents, none of them more than 6 months, except Europe where I've lived for decades and traveled quite a bit. In terms of traveling there's a shit ton of places I'd love to visit, on paper that is. Places I've never been, would be awesome to explore and that I'd enjoy being if I happened to be there.

Thanks for sharing your story, always wanted to get a dog haha. But also always felt like it was a huge 10+ year commitment. Who knows maybe in a few years, if I ever buy a house I can definitely see myself having a dog! :)

[ars]

Does she see these messages you are writing?

It's a bit of an odd suggestions, but consider having kids. Kids have a way of needing things, that just transcends all the meaningless excuses you have for not getting anything done.

Make it a point that it's YOU that takes them to school, or shopping or whatever. Or if shopping is too confusing to do alone make a point that the whole family goes. That it's you that makes lunches, and checks if they did homework. As infants make it a point that you dress them for bed, even if your SO picks the clothing.

The instinct to take care of kids is wired really really deep in your brain, way below any surface problems. It will easily override them if you let it.

[Double_Cast]

I have zero experience with parenthood. That said,

Raising kids for any reason other than "raising kids" strikes me as terrible advice. I'd be interested in hearing anecdotes of whether raising productivity by having kids is effective (let alone morally permissible).

[ars]

The only reason to have kids is if you think you can do a good job raising them.

It makes no difference why they were born, or how it helped you. The only thing that matters is how you raise them.

There are plenty of people who have children in order to mature, be adults, and progress in life. If you love them, and pay attention to them, and intend to raise them well, it works just fine.

[osi]

pretty much everyone that posts here should have children.

most people here will do a great job raising them. you learn on the job, and via friends and family.

(lest people want the future depicted in http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiocracy :)

[IkmoIkmo]

> Does she see these messages you are writing?

Nope, unless she tries to find it. HN is in my favorites and it auto-logins. But she's really not the type for that. I think it'd be pretty painful to read although she knows the bulk of it.

> It's a bit of an odd suggestions, but consider having kids.

Still 24, so that'd be really early for us, not something I'd love to have so early in my life (although I can imagine how nice it'd be to still be 44 with an adult kid!).

Beyond that though it's also not something I'd feel is appropriate. It's definitely true that if I'd have kids right now I'd probably solve the symptoms of whatever problem I have, completely agree with you there. I'm that type of person, as most people are, to my girlfriend for example. If she needs me I'll be there, if she has stuff planned for a birthday, or is going to graduate or needs a running partner for motivation, I'll suddenly be up for going out with her. And it's certainly true that people have had kids for less. But this issue is not something I'd ever want to use as a reason to have kids in and of itself, despite any of that.

[ars]

> I think it'd be pretty painful to read although she knows the bulk of it.

Personally I think she should, but of course I don't really know anything about her.

> Still 24, so that'd be really early for us

I don't think 24 is especially young. Maybe a drop younger than typical, but you seem to have good earning potential, and someone you love. What more do you need?

It has advantages too - you have more energy when young, and kids take a lot of work.

(Also don't forget you never know how long it will actually take.)

> But this issue is not something I'd ever want to use as a reason to have kids

It's not written permanently on them you know. Helping their parents is probably the best reason to have kids. "Why did you have me Dad?" "Because you make me happy."

What matters is how you raise them, not why they were born.

[gknoy]

  What matters is how you raise them, not why they were born

While that's likely true, I think it's also wise to consider that it is probably unwise to consider "having kids" as a _solution_ to a problem. Having kids is signing up for a half decade of never sleeping the same way again, never having "you" time easily, etc. It's a mountain of stress on both parents, and should not be entered into lightly -- else how will one manage to raise the kids well?