[nitrogen]

Shyness itself is simply a manifestation of low self-esteem.

I disagree with this assertion. I contend that it is possible for shyness to be caused by a lack of understanding of accepted social protocols. For example, a person who is perceived as shy may not know when it's appropriate or inappropriate to (for example) approach a stranger or interrupt a conversation, and therefore doesn't try.

[yason]

I don't think it's about lack of understanding but just fear that hasn't been confronted.

A person might observe and know very well, theoretically, the social code and witness other people approaching strangers or interrupting conversations all the time. But until he has personal experience doing that himself, he's just going to fear what's going to happen to him. And rationalization and understanding is no cure to fear -- facing it for real is.

* * *

In the delightfully hacker sense you just have to poke at different social interactions and see what happens. Eventually you'll learn that the worst that can happen is very likely a stern look or a snap comment back. You might learn too well and find yourself at the other side of the axis and come out as rude. That only means you've just shifted your problem space! Now it's a matter of bouncing back and forth on the axis until you stay in the middle in the average.

[pbhjpbhj]

Eventually you'll learn that the worst that can happen is very likely a stern look or a snap comment back.

I'm shy. It's not a logical consideration - I often have no problems in social scenarios; I used to do some Am-Dram have given lecture-style talks, etc.. I find it's the anticipation of a situation that works as a sort of potential barrier that builds over time. If I tunnel through immediately then I'm usually fine. If the situation is further in the future then I can have weeks of torment but ultimately one just has to do the thing.

Phone calls have been a particular problem for me. I think this was due to being chastised as a child for not taking good messages. I can procrastinate for a week to make a call, but once I do it - though I get nervous and sweat and have a wobbly voice - I can just do it.

Personally I think my understanding of social situations and repercussions is above average. I don't find people boring. I work in a public facing role often leading groups of 10-20 people (adults and/or children).

[Psyonic]

Or the other possibility... I just don't want to talk to most people? I've tried, and its usually boring?

[DanielBMarkham]

Best advice I ever heard along these lines:

If you really think your conversation with somebody is boring, tell them so. They deserve to know, you deserve to own up to your opinion (instead of secretly feeling much more interesting) and, if nothing else, it won't be boring much longer.

[pmorici]

Most people don't want to hear the truth.

[pbhjpbhj]

I went to a party after leaving high-school for Uni, it was our first party back together as a school group. Everyone was talking about roads (which route they took, what motorway goes to where they are). I said something along the lines of "come on guys is this all we have to talk about, fricking road numbers". It didn't win me any friends!

[Psyonic]

Sounds like Radical Honesty. I've considered it before, but never really tried to practice it. Honestly though, its not necessarily that they are boring (though sometimes they are), but often I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Talking itself can be boring, since it rarely leads to action.

[pgbovine]

agreed! also another factor is cultural barriers. e.g., an otherwise-confident Chinese person might appear super-shy in front of Americans because of his/her inability to speak English and lack of familiarity with American social customs. But in front of fellow Chinese people, he/she might be super extroverted and outspoken in Chinese.

[Harj]

a person who is perceived as shy may not know when it's appropriate or inappropriate to (for example) approach a stranger or interrupt a conversation, and therefore doesn't try.

no one really "knows", there's no definitive set of rules, confident people try regardless.