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by noir_lord 4338 days ago
Fantastic Article.

Three weeks ago I hit absolute rock bottom with exhaustion from working hard for the last 2 years (I worked out I've been working 70-80 hour weeks since Dev 2010 with 8 days off in 4 years).

I resolved to get my life sorted out, I cut back work hours drastically, started riding my bike more and went to the Doctors to get help with sleeping tablets and pain management (the last 3 months I've been waiting for a double wisdom extraction) and stopped trying to carry the world and it's problems on my shoulders.

Later that week I found in a fairly horrible way that my partner of 7 years had cheated on me and I threw her out.

I stuck with the resolution I'd made to keep changing my life.

Now I'm sat at work taking a break after writing some really nice code to handle a problem that had stumped me for a month, I'll pack up for the day in a couple of hours then I'm going home to have a shower and going out on my bike for a 45 mile ride then home, netflix documentary and sleep.

In the last month I nearly destroyed my business, my health and my wellbeing as well as losing a long term relationship and I'm happier today than I have been in 4 years.

I have off moments but I just remember how bad I felt when I was sat at 2am watching the moon wishing everything would end and that they will pass in time.

The anxiety attacks have just about gone completely and meditation seems to control the ones that I do get.

I've also realised that none of this stuff business, relationship or whatever is worth sacrificing my own long term happiness over, I was miserable for 4 years, no more.

6 comments

Parts of this resonate with me and yet I have a variable 40 hour a week ceiling where if I'm extremely lucky I top out at that. I can safely say I've had many of those thoughts and they didn't revolve around the amount of time I spent at work.

Some days just the act of leaving the house and coming home has me beat down. There's a serious lack of energy just spending 4 days in an office and working from home on Friday. I guess I'm saying the amount of time spent doesn't equate to the feelings of burnout. I'm fairly positive now many of my symptoms that you've expressed are likely due to some form of depression, however serious or mild it may be. I don't have anxiety attacks that I'm conscious of but that and thoughts of "wishing everything would end" are pretty clear indicators to me.

I'm glad you're on the right track and it looks like what you're doing is having some positive impact. Always stick with what works because it's clearly a push in a positive direction for you. Like me, however, you may wish to look into dealing with depression because I've exhibited many of these same symptomatic behaviors. That can affect us the same no matter if we're working 4 hours a week or 40 really, it all feels the same to me at least.

Good for you.

One question though: did your spouse cheating on you have anything to do with you working that much for the last 4 years? How did the relationship even last that long? How much time did you spend together and how many nice things did you do together?

I'm asking because the relationship I'm in would probably suffer a lot if I worked 80 hour weeks for two weeks in a row, let alone 4 years. I'm wondering how other people's relationships look from the inside.

> did your spouse cheating on you have anything to do with you working that much for the last 4 years?

Probably, I worked so hard to build a future for us both that I ended up neglecting her far too much, I think if you don't get the emotional support you deserve off your other half sometimes you'll be tempted to look for it elsewhere, I can forgive her for that but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who cheats, she could have at any point told me that's how she was feeling and I would have listened, mistakes both sides.

> How did the relationship even last that long?

We loved each other and I was working for our future plus despite the hours I tried to make time for her.

> I'm wondering how other people's relationships look from the inside.

I'm wondering that as well, the reality is that when you work 9am - 7pm 7 days a week there is not much time or energy to do anything else.

I've learnt my lesson but it came at a high price however the price would be wasted if I didn't learn.

Could I contact you somewhere to discuss the positive changes you are making in your life? I don't want to take away time from your busy schedule but I've been dealing with similar problems for the past couple years and I'd like to discuss strategies for moving past this darkness.

This line in particular really spoke to me as it's about all I can manage at the moment (hoping for change rather than actively pursuing change):

"I have off moments but I just remember how bad I felt when I was sat at 2am watching the moon wishing everything would end and that they will pass in time."

Sure, ben at metasoftware.co.uk

I'm notoriously bad at answering emails but I check that one more than most :).

> Later that week I found in a fairly horrible way that my partner of 7 years had cheated on me and I threw her out.

Really sorry to hear that. My relationship is on its last legs and that messes with my ability to work, which in turns messes with my relationship. For me, it's a downard spiral.

It sucks but it gets better :).
So what is responsible for this miraculous change? Simply working fewer hours?

Sorry to hear about your partner, that is horrible. Best of luck.

> So what is responsible for this miraculous change?

The realisation that if I don't change course I'm going to either have a complete breakdown or throw myself off a bridge.

> Simply working fewer hours?

Unfortunately no life isn't that simple though working fewer hours does have a side effect which is it frees up time to do things you enjoy doing, in my case Cycling.

Getting out everyday on my bike in the sun (or rain, it is England after all), eating right and getting some quality sleep have all had a marked effect on both my mood and energy levels.

The irony is last week I got more done than I would have in two weeks a month ago working half the hours.

I'll take 4 hours wide awake and well rested over 12 exhausted and stressed.

I'm not entirely there yet but I'm mentally stronger than I have been in a long time.

Ugh... What does your experience have to do with this article exactly, though?