[sn0wBuM]

A few thoughts coming from a guy who used to be a shy introvert.

- Making friends involves truly connecting with people. Connecting with people means caring about them. The first step is to give a damn about everyone around you. How are they doing? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What problems might they be having?

- People love to talk about themselves. Ask them good questions, and actively listen (because as we said above, you care about them!). The more you get someone to talk about themselves, the more they'll usually end up liking you.

- Help people. It might be an old lady across the street. It could be a co-worker. Or, the person moving into your apartment building. When you can, help people (again, because you care about them :))

- Notice a trend here? I'll repeat it again. You are doing things because you care about others. The best way to stop being an introvert is to get out of your own head, and get into the head of others.

- Lastly, you'll be uncomfortable a lot. Some conversations will fizzle out. Some people might think you are weird. You might be out at a bar and have no idea who to talk to, or how to start talking to someone. Spend time being uncomfortable. Learn to deal with it. Sooner or later, you'll make small bits of progress. When you do, repeat what you did to make that bit of progress.

Hope this helps some!

[dnautics]

I disagree. I have done years of volunteer work/helping other people and it does not help one bit with being social (it's not why I do it, so I don't care about that supposed dimension). Plus, there are plenty of terrible people who wouldn't consider doing anything except for their own self-interest who are just fine at being social.

Totally orthogonal considerations. Sorry, don't mean to be cynical - I strongly encourage doing good things for other people for their own sets of rewards - but advertising this as a way to help out the OP's issues being social will not help and may deepen a sense of entitlement and frustration.

[crimsonalucard]

There's a psychology book that researches this phenomena. I forgot the title but it starts out by saying people in general can be grouped into three categories. Givers, exchangers and takers. Givers tend to care about people, takers tend to care about themselves and exchangers try to be fair.

I don't know all the quantitative and qualitative parameters used for the study but they found out that in general the types of people who were least successful (in companies and other structured organizations) were the givers. The surprising result was that the most successful people were also givers while takers and exchangers generally hovered in the center. You'd have to read it to know more.

Unlikely you'll ever read the book but I just recalled the name, it's called Give and Take for anyone interested.

[kitsune_]

I think you look at it from the wrong perspective, it's not about voluntary work per se, it's about caring about other people. If you dismiss people because of your stereotypes, you'll never get to know them.

If you're open and generous, sure, some people might abuse this, but do you want to be friends with such people?

If you want to get to know people and become their friends you will eventually have to care about them in one way or in another. Man, you can even be of opposite opinion, that disagreement could actually be the foundation for a future relationship. Who knows?

So in my opinion, being open, generous and getting rid of your stereotypes and bigotry when it comes to other people is a great way for making friends.

[alexshye]

Friendship is a two-way street. If you learn someone is terrible, you can choose not to be friends with them.

[dnautics]

None of my friends are friends with me 'because I help feed people with AIDS every week'. Probably most of them don't know that I do this, and maybe this is pretentious but I don't make it public knowledge because in the past when I have it has intimidated people, possibly because they get worried that I would get judgey.

I would go so far as to say, even better than doing something good and 'caring' for someone (you should do that anyways) is to get in debt to someone. Maybe not financial debt, but ask other people for a favor, or help. Psychologically, the person is then invested in you to repay that debt in the future. After all Kennedy said "ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country", thus putting the country in debt to its citizens, and his popularity soared.

[Morgawr]

I think you misunderstood the "help other people" with "do volunteer work". The two things are not necessarily related. Nobody is going to befriend you just because you help children with troubled families, but surely they will be more likely to befriend you if you help them with their everyday life, like helping them moving out of an apartment, giving them a shoulder to cry on when time is rough, buying them a beer after a bad night, helping them fix their bike, etc etc.

It's not about helping everyone, it's about helping the people you care about (supposedly, your friends)

[kitsune_]

This isn't about general voluntary work. Never.

This is about you helping strangers, or friends of friends. Moving, cooking dinner, helping with a legal problem, helping them with their exams, letting them borrow your rice cooker over the weekend, helping them with their birthday party, inviting them for a drink, volunteering to look after their dog and so on.

[dnautics]

I think that's tricky. If you help people too much, then they resent you because of the built up debt (which is why I wrote the part about debt in there). It's counterintuitive, but I think asking for help is a better strategy for making friends than offering help.

[JohnBooty]

I wish I could trade in my karma and upvote this a few hundred times.

Genuinely caring about others, and demonstrating it by doing things like asking people about themselves, are powerful and are central to every human relationship.

In a good conversation, the amount of things you say about yourself should roughly equal the number of things they say about themselves. (Obviously, some things you talk about might be about neither of you - like if you're discussing a book)

You don't even have to ask particularly insightful questions. You can always ask open-ended questions like, "How do you feel about that?" in response to something they tell you.

[artumi-richard]

I have no problem making friends and speaking to people. I'm an introvert who became an extrovert as my confidence increased. And, I just wanted to really back up the 'uncomfortable' comment. Even with close friends the conversation can die completely and not come back for a while, because we run out of things to say. So if that does happen to you, be aware, it's completely normal, and happens to everyone.

[kitsune_]

I think this is the best comment here.

Be open, generous and helpful. Care about other people and show genuine interest in their lives, don't dismiss them just because they might fulfill some of your stereotypes (hipster / jog / bimbo / ...).

[agumonkey]

Sometimes it flirts with catch22 though. If you're very shy and insecure, it's hard to care about people with your mind clouded with self-absorbed anxiety.