[LockeWatts]

Can I ask a question about phrasing for a minute? What's inherently wrong with an unwanted advance?

Advances have an unknown state until they're responded to. If she had accepted it, it would've been a welcomed advance. There's no way to know that until you walk up to a woman and say "Hey, I think you're pretty cool. Want to go get a drink sometime?"

If she says no, that's unwanted, but I don't see how it's inappropriate.

[Robin_Message]

As she described it, there were at least 4 problems. 1. Its generally polite to only make advances on unattached people. 2. Going to her home to ask makes it awkward to say no. 3. Not leaving immediately compounded 2. 4. Subsequent behaviour was bad, thus showing bad faith all along.

[LockeWatts]

I'm not saying in this specific instance it wasn't inappropriate.

I'm saying as a general concept, the very phrase "unwanted advance" has lots of implications of sexual misconduct, when it really can just be as simple as a guy asking a girl out, and her saying no. I don't see what's inappropriate there.

[watwut]

Unwanted advance is ok in my opinion. Retaliation after rejection is not. To add complexity, proposing to someone in long term relationship does not make you look good.

[enneff]

> What's inherently wrong with an unwanted advance?

I don't want to be hit on at work. It is totally inappropriate and unprofessional. And if I were a minority in my office I would find it very hard to deal with.

From the article, he did not say "Want to get a drink some time?"

> [He] asked himself over to “talk,” and then professed his love, and “hesitated” when asked to leave.

[not_paul_graham]

> I don't want to be hit on at work.

But she did get hit on at work and started dating a co-worker (I'm assuming the guy she's dating initiated contact). If that was acceptable by her, then this logic about it being "totally inappropriate and unprofessional" is moot.

I do not agree with what the co-worker did in terms of reverting commits and all that, but his initial behavior can be chalked up to all these romantic comedies where the protagonist professes his love for the cute girl and it all ends happily ever after.

All I'm saying is that you can't demonize his initial approach.

[omegaworks]

>If that was acceptable by her, then this logic about it being "totally inappropriate and unprofessional" is moot.

It's inappropriate for your other coworkers to hit on you if they know you are in a relationship, regardless of whether that relationship happens to be with a coworker. Where her and her partner actually hit on each other may not have been at work.

[stefan_kendall3]

It sounds more the issue that the guy in question has an extreme lack of social skills.

I've successfully done stuff with co-workers before, but it happened in undertones. I did not go to anyone's house to profess my love. That's creepy no matter who's doing it.

[enupten]

Did you even read the article ? The point was not that someone asked her out (her current partner should've, at some point, for god's sake).

The coworker knew of her relationship, and after the rejection "started passive-aggressively ripping out my code."

That is a terrible thing to happen to anyone.

[theorique]

It's sort of analogous to a quantum mechanical measurement - you don't know it was unwanted until you try it.

This is why it's better to make an early advance with some plausible deniability, so you can back off if there's no mutual interest (e.g. backing away: "Ha, just kidding ... what, you thought I wanted to date you for real? That's crazy talk ... we're co-workers, and it would never work out, we're so different.")