[rufusjones]

My first impression was {CRINGE}, to be blunt.

You seem talented-- and you asked people to tear you apart-- so let's see if you mean it. Let me give you about $1,000 in free work.

1. The first thing you need to understand is what you're up against. No one has ever explained the obstacles a consulting company is up against better than the first 52 words in McGraw-Hill's "Man in the chair" ad.

This 1958 ad has repeatedly won in "Best business ad ever" votes. It's here: http://bit.ly/165CAuy

Print that out and put it where you can see it.

2. I had to break out the machete to cut through the jargon. Other than "Bottom line: You'll get more customers and lower your cost per acquisition." this takes work to read. The man in the chair won't read it.

Make it simpler. You're assuming customers know what a funnel is? On what basis?

3. I can't click on anything relating to and see who you are? An "About" Page (or section would be nice, but I need a LinkedIn page at minimum.

4. Same goes for the two people giving you references. I want to click on the photos and go to the LinkedIn pages so I can see who they are.

And I absolutely have to be able to view the but the company website-- not just to see if THEY'RE any good, but to see if YOU are. Your work is there, right? I can see it and be overwhelmed by the quality of your work, can't I?

5. You put the link to your Twitter page and blog (where prospects can read your insights for free) at the BOTTOM of the page? Seriously?

6. I hate Flash, but even Jakob Nielsen has colors other than black and white. A logo would be nice, too.

7. I don't need to have your address and cell number, but can I know what country you're in? A state and city would be even better.

8. People argue about this, but since I have 11 of my 12 points from this, I'll say it: If I don't have any idea of how much you cost, I'll probably pass.

You don't have to put a rate sheet on the page, but it would be nice to know if you charge $5, $50, 5500, $5,000 or $50,000, so I don't waste both of our times.

[gk1]

Amazing. This is why I asked to be torn up! Thanks for doing that -- lots of useful points there.

Most of those are quick fixes (adding rates, adding location, etc), but obviously I have some work to do on the language (your #2). I'm trying to balance between being specific about what I do and writing in very simple language. I'll keep looking for that golden middle ground.

[rufusjones]

Thanks for the kind words.

Language is relative-- it depends on who you want to sell to. For marketing professionals, you use one set of words. For CEOs, you use another. For engineers who think marketing and selling is a lot less important than technology, you use yet another.

The choices you make to appeal to each group will turn off the others to some degree, so it gets back to "Who, in your opinion, is that man in the chair?"

Because you say "Startup" at the top, it suggests you're looking for companies with less than 10 people, pretty much all of whom code, who have decided that they need to make money selling but aren't ready to hire fulltime marketing people.

I could drill down quite a lot more on the issues, but I charge for stuff like that. Three other things could be quick fixes but could go a lot deeper:

1. The color(s) you add to a site determine the emotional reaction people have to you.

2. People will look at your references and assume that, if THEIR company isn't in more or less comparable to those two, they don't need you yet. Who references are can be just as important as what they say.

3. Rates are less important that "How long does this take?" If I know a project takes 8-16 hours, I don't have to know your bill rate to say "I can probably afford Greg." If you say it takes 13 weeks, that's something else.

[lifeisstillgood]

Fantastic. Ignore what I said, think more about rufusjones advice. The idea of using time as a proxy for cost is brilliant and the idea of using references not for what they say but who they are is also stonking.

btw - I cannot track down a Rufus jones online who seems to be doing what you do - have you a online home?

[porker]

> btw - I cannot track down a Rufus jones online who seems to be doing what you do - have you a online home?

I second that - giving advice like you've done, you're doing yourself out of work by not posting contact details.

Figuring out who the 'man in the chair' is is the hardest thing I've ever had to do for my consulting business. Still trying.

[gk1]

I tried looking as well, so I can thank him by his first name, but not luck yet.

[gk1]

Thanks again. This gives me more to think about, which will help not just with the copy but with my sales process, too.