| So did I. I felt that if I wasn't 'great,' then I was squandering my life, and that I always had to hustle more. I'd internalized a bunch of toxic messages (some from well-intentioned family), lived in a fast-paced area that focuses on power (DC), had impostor syndrome, and was a nerd when growing up. It was easy to think that once I reclaimed my 'rightful' place, that life would be as it should be. It should be little surprise that I was well on my way to predicating my identity on my career. I placed enormous pressure on myself to succeed, and rapidly started viewing many facets of life as inherently zero-sum. I became reductionistic in many areas, and my interests narrowed, as I pursued only things that I was good at. It was all an enormous lie. I'd bought wholesale into a weird, Nietzsche-Darwinian belief system where I had to become the ubermensch before I could allow myself to be human. I had to become someone so I could see myself as someone worthwhile. I had to achieve so I could rest. I had to be the best, lest I become undesirable. In short, I believed I was not worth loving until I'd received a certain amount of external validation. I'm still being broken of this, but the break/repair/rebuild cycle is much better than the desperate grasping. Fuck status. We think we have to waste our lives accumulating it, when it's really borne out of fear of the future. |