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by namenotrequired
4613 days ago
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I would summarise the first paragraph of text to something that sells the key advantage it has over thousands of other social things: find people at the same location as opposed to your friends. Better yet, figure out why this is important / beneficial / awesome and write this instead (hopefully you already know why it is). One possible way to do this is by leading with a few common use cases in which it's particularly helpful. If you can find a single benefit that covers the majority of the use cases, that's even better. Ideally, you'll then also find an even better header to replace "Connect and share with everyone at your event!". This headline and its paragraph answer what I can use your app for - which can be enough - but we still need to translate it ourselves to a reason why I want to use it. Make this translation for us. If this is hard, try first writing a version that doesn't use any of these words: "social" "share" "connect" and "platform". Also try directly copying the value proposition from your business plan (do you have one?), then tweak it a bit grammatically to make sense in its new context. These two exercises should help you see different possibilities of what to do with it. (I also recommend making it easier to read - perhaps it's because it's night and I dimmed my screen's brightness a lot, but the background of the black text is too dark for me to read easily.) Does that help? |
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Try to stay away from the word "event". It's nice that it's generic, but it also doesn't really give people an idea of how they'd use it. Saying something like "all conference goers photos in one place", "all concert goes", "all ...". You could even do something nice where the only thing change changes is the type of event, and it just scrolls through.
I also don't like your "find out more button", it covers your register button and doesn't look very good. People should be able to figure out that their is more on your page a better way.