[pfortuny]

Hi,

It took me 6 (probably more) years to find a really useful psychiatrisc who dealt with me in a proper fashion (mostly let me decide wether I wanted to take pills or not AND made me conscious the first thing one needs is PATIENCE, the second one is LOVE. In this order: there is no use in love if you do not have patience.)

Patience is hard, hard, hard to acquire (it needs a lot of time) but you have to struggle.

Love depends on your having caring family/friends. You can get a lot of love on the Internet as well, but it is not the same thing as being looked after and dealt with in real life.

However, I would reccomend a real psychiatrist, not just a 'therapist'. And not being afraid of medicines. BUT: you need both, medicines and therapy, not just one or the other.

At the same time, you need to focus, day by day, on something that really engages you. You are right now probably unable to enjoy long periods of work/sports/entertainment. But you need to set definite and realistic aims for each day. Examples:

* Today I am going to write ONE blog post, just one. And that is what I am doing today. If I do, then I shall celebrate it with some whatever (a cup of wine, a film, a good ice-cream, whatever you fancy) but CELEBRATE SUCCESS ALWAYS.

* Today I am going to code for half an hour minutes (if you like coding). Same about celebrating.

* Today I am going to visit so-and-so, whom I know is ill and enjoys my company. CELEBRATE.

* Today I am just going for a walk listening to ....

Of course, a long-term project (with NO OBLIGATIONS, just a project) helps in having daily aims. But no OBLIGATIONS: your pet project which can get all the time in the world.

Celebrate your good actions. You do a lot every day.

Just having got out of bed and having a shower is enough to celebrate. Really.

Go get some help. You will need time, but get it.

I'll pray for you.

(Edit grammar & style.)

[rolledover]

"Love depends on your having caring family/friends" This is something I have never had until recently when I met my girlfriend. Even to this day, and even if I had something really important to talk about to my parents, I couldn't get their ear for more than 1 minute without losing their interest. They've always taught me to deny my feelings, and have never really listened to me. I guess if I was smarter I would have dealt with it better, but sadly I am not. Thank you, I am keeping in mind what you said about patience and love. These are both things my current girlfriend has, and I found myself strongly attracted to her for these qualities. I cry often when I think of her because I am so grateful for her kindness and patience with me. She is the first person in the world (irl) that has actually listened to me.

You know, I think if I could earn 40k per year coding, it would take the pressure off for me. I've never started just because I never thought I could compete with the naturals that went to MIT and represented Will from Good Will Hunting, but maybe I've just been blowing things out of proportion. I've always been able to figure things out, and I did earn a degree in engineering (although not CS) and rise in the company ranks, so I must be somewhat useful. I guess I never give myself any credit either. Maybe I do have imposter syndrome like another user commented. I will make it a point to celebrate more and narrow down to just ONE thing a day for the meantime. Right now, I am so overwhelmed that I end up doing nothing. And it just perpetuated. Although I haven't properly replied to many of the comments here, it has really helped me just reading what people have suggested, and talking it out.

[pfortuny]

I'm glad you have someone who loves you irl and you FEEL it. Very very important.

The 'one thing a day' is useful because able people (like you and I) tend to think 'what the heck, I can do this and that and those' and, when we are sick, we end up doing nothing at all, and despise ourselves because 'look, I should have done all those things I am capable of and ended up doing none'. Thus, the one-thing-a-day aim is very good to focus and lift up one's self-worthiness.

Try not to think of your duties & obligations, only of things that you can do and then celebrate. By the way: celebrate even if you feel crushed and worthless. One of the main steps is to notice that one is able to 'put aside' (wrong expression but) one's feelings and ACT according to one's will. (This takes time, effort and help and cannot be done at once, just keep on trying).

Being listened to, that is so so necessary. And then, at the same time, notice how she likes, enjoys and values you. You are worthy to her: this is very very important as an objective valuation of yours.

Good luck and keep the fight on. It is hard but worth the effort.