[obviouslygreen]

Don't look for hacks.

This is almost always good advice, but I think it bears repeating as the crux of this extremely insightful post. And honestly: HN is NOT the place to look for this. I think you're lucky to have someone like kvnn responding up top but you're likely to soon be mired in god knows what.

Go be a dad. Do it the way dads have done it forever: Off the cuff, the best they know how. He'll benefit a lot more from your honest attempts and interaction than anyone else's poor attempts at Best Practices for Other People.

Good luck, and as an adoptee, I thank you for being a good dad to a kid who needs one!

[jwdunne]

Perhaps I am wrong for seeking hacks or word it as such. I guess what I was asking for is clever andgood advice from a community I know from first hand experience is full of smart people, some of which I'm banking on them having children.

Truth is I'm young and I've never been in this position before. I've also missed out on those first two years with no idea of the damage done.

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to give me advice. It means a tonne. I think I'm getting a bit frustrated as would anyone in my position.

@kvnn I am from Manchester, UK :)

[mst]

Converse.

Asking questions like "what flavour of juice do you want?" will encourage a reply of "apple" or "orange" rather than a monosyllabic yes/no.

Being ok with whatever the closest approximation of that word you're going to get is and then repeating back the correct pronunciation (as mentioned in another comment) makes this a lot less stressful than it sounds.

If the kid's mother is the primary source of unconditional cuddles, considering becoming the primary source of respect. When I was in a similar sounding situation, the desire to be "daddy's big boy" was a powerful motivating factor for getting him to stretch his abilities.

Also, though ... the fact you care enough to have started this at all suggests that the parenting circuits have kicked in (or ... whatever you want to call it; let's just say I know the "oh shit, I appear to feel like a parent ... ok, wow, this is amazing also I AM SCARED AS HELL OF DOING IT WRONG" feeling) and that combined with a little common sense will go a LONG way.

If you've already "been told his rate of development has been remarkable since (you) became involved" ... you may be micro-optimising something that's already proceeding pretty efficiently already.

[Tcepsa]

I've also seen suggestions[citation needed, sorry] that when offering kids a choice, narrowing it down to just two or three things can help them start getting used to making decisions without being completely overwhelmed by the options (e.g. if you're at the grocery store and you decide to give him the opportunity for some input into the purchases, ask, "do you want to get apple or orange juice?" rather than taking him to the juice aisle and saying "what kind of juice do you want?")

[brudgers]

The reality is that you do not have the knowledge skills and abilities to determine the developmental status of the child. Nor do you have the expertise to formulate a developmental plan should their be one. You're just a guy with a girl and a rugrat.

A child is not a lawnmower engine. Children don't get damaged and repaired. They grow up, each as their own snowflake.

Everyone doesn't get frustrated to the point of pathologizing their child's development. Growing up needs to happen all around.

Good luck.

[jwdunne]

No but social services do have the knowledge, skills and abilities and they have determined he has the mindset of a 1 year old. This is why I know he is severely behind, not just because I've decided he is severely behind.

I'm not saying he is like a lawnmower engine and I didn't mean it this way. I'm trying to find better ways on how to educate him and help him grow. This doesn't mean I'm doing so at the expense of loving him and giving him a good upbringing. In fact, it's the opposite. He isn't going to develop in the way that I'd like if he has a less than great childhood.

People do get frustrated when they see a child they love so damaged and feel powerless to do anything about it.

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it, but a part of me feels that you have misunderstood what I meant and my intentions.

[brudgers]

First, accept my apology for not asking more questions before jumping to a negative conclusion. Internet habits die hard.

I went through architecture studios with a quadriplegic. Tim crashed a motorcycle while studying fine art as an undergrad. He could move his head. Holding a pencil in his teeth, he could sketch more quickly and beautifully than most of the class. By kindness, there would be a sketchbook within his reach.

My advice as a parent is that feelings of frustration and unfulfilled expectations can form a barrier to being in and savoring your moments with him. Life is not about what someone can't do, but what they can.

[jwdunne]

It's no problem at all, I should have been specific about how I've come to know such details about his development :) I'm not an expert and this is new water for me.

Thanks for your advice and taking the time to help me out, it's much appreciated. I do understand your point and looking at things I can see how my focus and frustrations may have gotten in the way.

[davidw]

Hacks are elegant and clever ways to save time and energy.

I don't think that's possible with some things, like raising a child, where there's just a lot of steady work to be done. Changing diapers, cleaning up barf, spending time at the park, etc... and simply "being there".