[pawnhearts]

I've been fighting depression since one year ago and I'd like to share my story with you guys and hope to get some warming advices. Quick introduction: I've always been a self-educated about computer science, but my mother always wanted to see me studying in a _regular/acknowledged_ way. When I turned 25, I started feeling very bad: my career in information technology was going really good and since I didn't passed through the academical stages (exams, graduation, etc) I felt like I didn't really deserve such professional "glory" (sorry for quick and dirt english).

So I decided to join the university: I started passing exams, and finally I could go to bed with a clear conscience! One year ago I received a job offer from a big enterprise, a job that could have change my life. This job (9h/5d) would not allow me to continue my university career and they gave me one week to decide. It was really hard, and in the end I refused that job.

My odyssey begins from this point. I had a panic attack on the first day of university after my choice, a huge panic attack that I thought: "I'm gonna die". After that event, my condition degenerated: I was no longer able to go out from my house, neither going downstairs to feed the dog. Everytime I went outside, I had a panic attack, it was a nightmare. Because of this hard form of agoraphobia I was neither able to go out and see a psychiatrist. I also developed tinnitus in my left ear and a painful hypochondria.

It took about 4/5 months before I realized the actual cause of my depression: in this age of economical crisis, when people commits suicides for not being able to pay debts, I rejected a permanent full-time contract. After this realization, my condition started going slightly better: I had no more panic attacks and I was able to go out with my gf and my friends.

At the time of this writing, one year after my first crisis, I'm still not able to go to places with many people, ot taking a train, or staying away from home for too long.

I see that such a condition is common to many computer programmers, I think that alienation caused by working on computers make things worse. At some point, I also considered the option of giving up with computer science, but it's not possible, it's really the only thing I can do.

I'm still fighting depression, I'm still not able to answer the questions "where would you be now to be happy?" , "what would you be doing now to be happy?". It's really sad when you can't answers these questions. Is it ever happened to you? How did you behave?

[ZenoArrow]

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament pawnhearts. Have you managed to get to a counsellor yet?

[pawnhearts]

Not yet, ZenoArrow.

I'm "fear of fear", and I can't be strong enough to face up regular life situations. And I have to find a solution, I have to find the strenght to do something before summer comes. Hot wheter increases depression.

At the moment I'm trying to work less and study/read/distract more. I spend great time on the road by car on my own or with my girlfriend, going nowhere and listening to some music I used to listen when everything "was fine".

Some times I can't even remember "how I was" before the whole depression thing. I look at my old pictures and I think to myself: "I was this guy. Really? I used to go to concerts, meet a lot of people, everybody used to love me. Who am I now? And why?"

[ZenoArrow]

I'm sorry to hear you have had tough times recently pawnhearts.

I understand that the road to recovery might feel hard to find, but you'll maximise your chances of finding it if you can get help from others. Please contact a counsellor. Reaching out for help is a humbling but often vital part of emotional recovery. If you can please do it today or tomorrow.

One piece of advice I can give you now is that looking back at who you were and trying to recreate that isn't likely to be helpful to you. Instead, consider what you can do now to help improve things in the future. If you're not sure where to start (apart from contacting a counsellor as discussed), can always start with improving your diet, finding time to exercise and getting into good habits with your sleep pattern. It's surprising how much our mood is influenced by these things, and they are simple tasks to focus on.

Best of luck with your recovery. :-)

[Evbn]

Reach out to someone. If you feel too shy or uncool, find someone even less cool, and look for their special nature under the surface. Volunteer with a group at a soup kitchen, or a litter patrol, or animal rescue. Or just comment on a bug in an open source software package you use. Get busy doing something good for someone who would like to say thanks.