[bpatrianakos]

This is true but it's just not realistic. There are situations in life where expectations are totally appropriate. I'd even argue that expectations drive us forward. And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome?

If I have to drive somewhere and have no expectation of arrival time then I'll neither be happy nor sad when I get there. I'll have just gotten there. However if I severely lower my expectations then I can be happy when I get there.

But I'm being pedantic here so I'll bring this back to reality now. Disappointment, heartache, sadness, and gloom are part of life and should not be avoided. We often find the motivation or drive to change and improve through our negative emotions. Sure, it sucks to feel that way but it's just as important as being happy and one shouldn't run from those feelings.

If you have good coping skills you can face disappointment head on, feel shitty for a bit, and then plow through and find some happiness or a silver lining. If you've got poor coping skills you'll be running away from all negative emotions and totally stunting your emotional growth because of it.

I know the author wasn't trying to write an authortitative piece on happiness so I won't criticize him. What I will do is add a little wrinkle to his whole point which is: Eliminate or lower expectations when the outcomes aren't important. So, for example, traffic is actually a perfect example. If you can eliminate your anger and frustration over being late or being stuck in traffic you're doing yourself a huge favor as being upset over it isn't doing anything for you. However feeling upset and having expectations about your career or a promotion or meeting a pretty girl one day can be quite helpful. The negative feelings associated with not getting any one of those things should push you to change your situation and get them somehow.

So all in all, I guess the TL;DR version would be: Apply the article's wisdom wisely, not broadly.

[nopinsight]

Contentment is an important form of happiness. Older people generally feel happier (there are research findings on this, but I don't remember the source right now) because they are more contented.

A key wisdom of Buddhism is that through sustained practice you can deeply understand the world, the mind, and their natural ups and downs. If you truly live by that understanding, you will earn a profound peace of mind and be free from any sufferings that accompany most lives. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nirvana)

Note that the practice may take as long as the mastery of other arts, like piano or chess, but it is definitely achievable.

[bobbyong]

@nachteilig posted an article (http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/19/lowered-expe...) in one of the comments below that mentioned a study by University of Chicago sociologist Yang Yang where he found older people are generally happier

I think it is very hard to master the art of just being truly contented and happy and you are right in saying that it takes a lot of practice

[dclowd9901]

I'm not sure much else needs to be added to what you said, as you nailed it. If you go through life zeroing out expectations, you start to feel very numb. The joy AND the pain remind you you're alive. Moreover, the pain makes the joy that much better.

This is all philosophical so I'll avoid trying to impart platitudes, except to say be wary of advice when it recommends approaching every problem in life the same way.

[grownseed]

I don't think having few expectations necessarily means numbing down your life or your emotions. I think you simply find that there are many things that needlessly take space in your life or might make you act poorly towards other people. As a personal choice (which of course doesn't have to apply to everybody), I've lowered my expectations to something that basically boils down to "being a better person". It's the biggest drive I have and it requires very little with the exception of learning, understanding and empathizing.

"[...] plow through and find some happiness or a silver lining"

What you're suggesting here is that happiness has to come in bursts (for lack of a better word). While I think that can be true, I believe the kind of happiness the OP is referring to is more deep-seated. By no means does it exclude other emotional states, but it reduces anger to a minimum. Although "Disappointment, heartache, sadness, and gloom" may be constructive, I honestly don't think anger is.

[personlurking]

"And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome?"

I've had a problem with this for most of my life, sad to say. It works really well for blocking out sad times but it obviously blocks out happy times as well. I have not yet figured out a way to correct this because it's well ingrained. Have any HNers worked out solutions for this?

[sophacles]

I've found it works out like this: Make plans, not expectations. The difference is subtle. I make plans, I even consider potential outcomes and how to handle them. But I don't pin all my reactions on a belief about the outcome. (I think a good definition of expectations is: belief that a particular outcome is the just or deserved one). So when everything goes sideways, I'm not stuck in some place of disappointment or shock. I just try and roll with it. When focusing on a belief that a specific and single outcome is the right thing, it is easy to miss opportunities to pivot to a better, unplanned outcome. It is easy to miss opportunities to reach a not quite as good outcome but avert disaster.

Basically, the idea is: shit happens, unexpected things happen, reality gets in the way of plans as a matter of rule. So be adaptable. Expectations of certain outcomes take away adaptability.

You can still be happy when your plans work out, you can be happy because you had a goal of "making money" or "getting a better job", or whatever, and you an be sad because "i didn't get a job i wanted, but ended up with this almost as good one over here". Basically, I find it silly to tie emotions to one specific expectation rather than as a reaction to what is actually happening.

[personlurking]

Yes, I once read "be flexible in approach, but sure of the destination", but what I seem to do is to be flexible in approach, and flexible in the destination. In essence, there are many ways to the moon, but "...if you miss, at least you'll land among the stars," thus I end up dividing what I really want into smaller positive eventualities and I try to be happy with whatever I get. I suppose the real issue is a mix of lowered expectations, drive and enthusiasm. Being hungry for that one thing and going after it. In a sea of possibilities, it's tough for me to choose that one thing, though I wouldn't expect otherwise from someone like me, a generalist and an INTP.

[bobbyong]

You have low expectation of the end-result. If something pleasant happens at the end, you will be happy. If something bad happens, that's expected. Make sense?

[personlurking]

Somewhat. I'd agree that my expectations are low for what is happening and what I think may happen, but I wouldn't say I expect bad things to happen. I'm attempting to learn to create normal expectations for myself. For example, I'm about to move to Europe next week and I find myself not excited about it. Also, the long-distance relationship with my gf is about to go from as-is to living in the same apt once I move, and I also don't think much about it. I know they are good things and I'm more than sure I'll be excited once I get there but I'm not there now so my expectations are pretty low to non-existant.

[NoPiece]

I don't know if the author intended it, but there is a difference between wanting and expecting. Implicit in expecting is that your deserve it. So when you don't get it, it is downgrade. Wanting still allows for aspiration, but with more gratitude when you get it, and somewhat less disappointment when you don't.