[personlurking]

"And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome?"

I've had a problem with this for most of my life, sad to say. It works really well for blocking out sad times but it obviously blocks out happy times as well. I have not yet figured out a way to correct this because it's well ingrained. Have any HNers worked out solutions for this?

[sophacles]

I've found it works out like this: Make plans, not expectations. The difference is subtle. I make plans, I even consider potential outcomes and how to handle them. But I don't pin all my reactions on a belief about the outcome. (I think a good definition of expectations is: belief that a particular outcome is the just or deserved one). So when everything goes sideways, I'm not stuck in some place of disappointment or shock. I just try and roll with it. When focusing on a belief that a specific and single outcome is the right thing, it is easy to miss opportunities to pivot to a better, unplanned outcome. It is easy to miss opportunities to reach a not quite as good outcome but avert disaster.

Basically, the idea is: shit happens, unexpected things happen, reality gets in the way of plans as a matter of rule. So be adaptable. Expectations of certain outcomes take away adaptability.

You can still be happy when your plans work out, you can be happy because you had a goal of "making money" or "getting a better job", or whatever, and you an be sad because "i didn't get a job i wanted, but ended up with this almost as good one over here". Basically, I find it silly to tie emotions to one specific expectation rather than as a reaction to what is actually happening.

[personlurking]

Yes, I once read "be flexible in approach, but sure of the destination", but what I seem to do is to be flexible in approach, and flexible in the destination. In essence, there are many ways to the moon, but "...if you miss, at least you'll land among the stars," thus I end up dividing what I really want into smaller positive eventualities and I try to be happy with whatever I get. I suppose the real issue is a mix of lowered expectations, drive and enthusiasm. Being hungry for that one thing and going after it. In a sea of possibilities, it's tough for me to choose that one thing, though I wouldn't expect otherwise from someone like me, a generalist and an INTP.

[bobbyong]

You have low expectation of the end-result. If something pleasant happens at the end, you will be happy. If something bad happens, that's expected. Make sense?

[personlurking]

Somewhat. I'd agree that my expectations are low for what is happening and what I think may happen, but I wouldn't say I expect bad things to happen. I'm attempting to learn to create normal expectations for myself. For example, I'm about to move to Europe next week and I find myself not excited about it. Also, the long-distance relationship with my gf is about to go from as-is to living in the same apt once I move, and I also don't think much about it. I know they are good things and I'm more than sure I'll be excited once I get there but I'm not there now so my expectations are pretty low to non-existant.