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In my experience it is not unusual that an intelligent, ambitious, and creative person finds themselves at a crossroad in their late twenties. Perhaps it began in adolescence, even childhood, where they knew that they had an above-average intelligence and a mind open to possibilities -- but, at the same time, a grave sense of self doubt existed, which only grew year by year as ambitious projects floundered and others (who to appearances were less intelligent or at least less imaginative) thrived. This can reach a crisis point in the late twenties, when the options for avoidance begin to dry up -- and one is faced with the increasing reality of finding work, starting a career, etc. This can be a frightening moment -- but it is also a liberating moment, viewed correctly. At this point the self's ego-image -- the set of core beliefs about who you are, what you are destined for, how 'intelligence' and 'success' are defined -- come into conflict with the reality principle. This is naturally a very painful moment (drawn across months and even years). It is also an opportunity to redefine these core beliefs -- to reexamine them -- to ask yourself what are your fundamental assumptions about intelligence, creativity, success. In my own experience, and watching similar-minded friends, this crisis point is a fundamental conflict between what we THINK intelligence, creativity, and genius is -- and what we actually see in ourselves. On the one hand we "know" that we are smart, imaginative -- on the other, the reality principle demands proof and evidence. But here is the paradox: this very belief in intelligence creates its own contradictions. For example, if you believe that smart people are smart because they do clever things easily -- then your brain can start to believe that if you find something hard to do, it is proof of your stupidity. The brain then finds ways to avoid this painful conflict between ego-image and reality -- by dreaming up great ambitions and projects, but then shying away from realising them. Or, you can develop an aversion to "lesser work" -- which reinforces a belief that you are innately special and "above that". The problem is in the core assumptions one makes about worth -- examining these assumptions deeply, being open to see the paradoxes in them, the hypocrisies even, can reveal avenues out of the situation. You can find practical things to do -- this in turn can build real confidence, not ego-confidence. Work seems then less like 'drudgery' and more like the slow and steady strengthening of your powers. Just some thoughts... |
This is me. It seems very complicated to overcome such a thing, as some of the assumptions seem rational. What do you deem as 'practical things to do'? (Or do you have any examples of this?)
Also thanks for this. I don't know what to say, but this hits home rather hard.