[roody15]

As a father of 3 daughters now approaching 50 with my oldest now 24 … I will say that I believe some of this is true. Perhaps it is just the life altering effect of raising children or maybe is biological as well. You can definitely pickup on whether another male is a father or not.

[JKCalhoun]

"As a father of 3 daughters now approaching 50 with my oldest now 24…"

You and I are akin (I waited a decade longer to start a family though.)

I definitely see my life as divided between before and after having had kids. I mean that's pretty obvious—and you can find any other big event in life and make that claim. But for me there has been nothing more dramatic to have redirected my own life.

To the point that (and this might not sound fair to people without kids) my life before kids seems in a way rather shallow, hedonist. I feel as though that was the demarcation for when I first cared for someone more than I do myself.

Photos of my time before becoming a father: I look at them and wonder who that guy was. What the hell was he doing with his life? Purposefulness came with fatherhood. A full identity change. To the point that when they left the nest, I was suddenly overwhelmed with purposelessness.

[move-on-by]

> I was suddenly overwhelmed with purposelessness

My kids are young enough that I don’t need to worry about it yet, but I can totally see how I might have the same issue. Beyond just myself, my partner is just as invested in the kids and I can foresee needing to rediscover ourselves together. Do you have any advice, tips, or insights for new empty nesters?

[roody15]

No, unfortunately this has been extremely difficult in my life. With raising children you have a shared goal and in although its hard it makes life simpler in you have something meaningful to focus on. Without kids we have had to face our own emotional issues and dynamics and this has not been easy.

[JKCalhoun]

Not really. I can say though that it is true—my wife and I suddenly can enjoy just the two of us gong out to dinner on a Friday night again.

It's hard trying to remember what it was we did before the kids. In some ways it doesn't matter though—we're both a lot older and we probably would not do many of the same things.

We've also at this point spent decades together, working together on the family. It's nice to just work on an electronics project. And I think my wife is happy to go knit or make a quilt. So we do out own things—just across the room from each other.

[rubslopes]

My first child is still 16 months old, and I already feel like this.

[farfatched]

> Perhaps it is just the life altering effect of raising children or maybe is biological as well.

If not biological, where else would this effect manifest?

Arguably it could be things like "become parent -> become poor -> become stressed".

But suppose we say they're rich, and so they don't get stressed via that path. So maybe we can't say that parenting causes stress. (Okay, it absolutely does but bare with me.)

Suppose they're really rich, and they pay for night nannies, then suddenly you're a parent and not even tired. So now we can't say parenting causes tiredness.

Perhaps there are some things that "intrinsically" switch on in the father's brain, detached from the rest of the world?

If so, are we believe that a one-night stand, that leads to a baby, unbeknownst to the father, results in biological changes 9 months later?

My point is, the effects are all predictably biological adaptation in response to the environment, in the same way that if I go to the gym, I will become fitter. The article presents it as unexpected or mystical. What else are they expecting happens with big life changes?

(Sorry if it sounds like I'm grouchy, I am tired and my child is not napping when he should be.)

[theshackleford]

> You can definitely pickup on whether another male is a father or not.

Fathers constantly think I also am a father when in shared spaces with them.

“So how old is your daughter?”

> niece

“Oh I’m sorry”

They always apologise, like I’d be offended.

I think they confuse me for the dad because we look so alike, but it’s because me and my sister are almost clones, and my niece is just a clone of my sister :)

I can’t have kids of my own, so I put a lot of time in with my niece.

[pseudohadamard]

  “So how old is your daughter?”

  > niece

Still vastly better than:

  “So how old is your daughter?”

  > wife

[binkHN]

Some of that is because the other male is whining about something that's really bothering him, but, as a parent, things tend not to affect you as much unless it's directly related to your kid.

[dlenski]

> You can definitely pickup on whether another male is a father or not.

Hah, yep. There's a quality of patience and looking out for small children that nearly 100% of other dads I meet have, but probably only ~30% of men without kids.

And maybe even less than that, since the ones who are willing to hang out with me in my fatherly state are a self-selecting bunch.

[JKCalhoun]

Ha ha, I never thought babies were "cute" until I had one of my own. Now I can't stop to smile, wave when a baby is pushed by in a stroller (to the embarrassment of my wife for some reason).

[pseudohadamard]

  You can definitely pickup on whether another male is a father or not.

Dad bod, dad jokes, and complaining about the kids are always a sure giveaway :-).