[xivzgrev]

That's astute. I was always uncomfortable with this kind of joking. I felt threatened. The real reason was that I didn't have a good comeback.

Let's say my nose was large, and a friend jokes about it. I need to say something back. And I could not think of anything. A low stakes situation becomes higher stakes than it needs to be.

So on their side they see me struggle and probably feel bad, so they don't do it again. But then we are just friends not best friends.

Curious how did you learn / practice this?

[cortesoft]

I don’t know if I have a clear answer to how I learned and practiced this. Probably a lot of simple exposure and observation. The important thing is the friendship comes first; I never make an insult joke to someone I don’t know well. I build a friendship first, then test out the waters with small jokes.

I also always start and focus on myself; I make jokes at my own expense often. A big part of my personality is a strange juxtaposition of bravado and self deprecation. I will joke about how amazing I am and how much of a failure I am at the same time.

It seems to work? I think people like me, generally? I don’t know man, I just wing it! I have no idea what I am doing, but I am also pretty great at not knowing what I am doing.

[wizzwizz4]

> And I could not think of anything.

I've identified two approaches to this situation. One is to take the insult graciously, as though it's feedback:

"Careful: you could put someone's eye out with that!"

"Oh! Thanks for the reminder." (adjust the position of your head, as appropriate for your extremely large and dangerous nose)

---

The other is to take whatever they said, and exaggerate it. This produces really good comebacks. (It's important to insist upon this point, regardless of any evidence you might receive to the contrary.)

"Careful: you could put someone's eye out with that!"

"Oh, could I? Well, your entire face is bad."

If they respond with another insult, repeat the same strategy. They'll notice what you're doing after the second or third attempt, and then it will turn from "this person's bad at comebacks" into "this person's (pretending to be) bad at comebacks and it's funny".

"My face is bad? Is that the best you could come up with?"

"Your face is so bad that it makes everyone else's faces bad, too."

"But… that means your face is also bad."

"And whose fault is that? It's your fault. Specifically, the fault of your face. Which is bad."

"Still means you've got a big nose."

"Well you've got a small nose."

"No I don't. We've got the same sized noses."

"Thus invalidating your previous aspersion that my nose is unusually large. Who's bad at comebacks now?"

"Still you."

---

There's a third approach, if the insult is disguised as faux-concern: pretend you're taking it seriously, while exaggerating the characteristic they're concerned about.

"Hey, you having trouble seeing past that, mate?"

"Oh, no, it's alright: most of my vision is unobstructed." / "I've got some tape in my bag if I need it." / "It's no worse than binoculars."

[lonelypoaster]

> "Oh, could I? Well, your entire face is bad."

This gave me quite a chuckle. Reads like a comeback from GPT-2 =P

A proper comeback in this scenario perverts the characteristic into a positive trait, with some added denigration.

"That's what lets me keep a wide berth from your mom, I can smell her a mile away".

[boogieknite]

the jerk store called

[aspenmayer]

the life support machine called

In case anyone is out of the loop, these are both lines from an eminently quotable Seinfeld episode (The Comeback, S8E13) that perfectly encapsulates the concept of l'esprit d'escalier, which I’m not sure has a direct English translation in common terms, but is a sort of loan word in my parlance, but I’ll admit I have studied French in secondary school.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Comeback_(Seinfeld)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27esprit_de_l%27escalier

> L'esprit de l'escalier or l'esprit d'escalier (lit. 'staircase wit') is a French term used in English for the predicament of thinking of the perfect reply too late.

Now that Curb Your Enthusiasm has wrapped, I could go for a rewatch of Seinfeld, as I can’t think of a better coda to Curb than a return to the roots from which Larry David’s own show sprang.

Hope springs eternal, and both Seinfeld and Curb are wry reminders that every silver lining has its cloud. I’ll take the rain.

[dpark]

> Oh, could I? Well, your entire face is bad." > If they respond with another insult

I seriously doubt they will. “Your entire face is bad” sounds like lashing out from a place of hurt. Typical response would probably be a confused or disgusted look followed by a change of topic.

There are not a lot of people who could pull this kind of response off without coming off extremely weird or like assholes. And none of the people who could pull this off successfully are asking for comeback advice on Hacker News.

[wizzwizz4]

> “Your entire face is bad” sounds like lashing out from a place of hurt.

Childlore isn't well documented online, but in my part of the world, "your face" was the orphan-friendly equivalent of "your mom". It is well-understood to be an extremely bad comeback in the circles I frequent: I've not known anyone to misunderstand it. Your mileage may, of course, vary.

[dpark]

Maybe I’m just old and out of touch.

[wizzwizz4]

No, it's the children who are wrong.

[Yiin]

just say it with big ass grin on your face, problem solved

[dpark]

Yeah but also no. This feels a like bit like “just be charismatic”. Someone asking how to respond to this sort of playful insult is unlikely to pull this off in any natural way.

I would think a better response for someone who does not know how to naturally respond to these sorts of playful insults would be to just absorb it goodnaturedly. “Haha, yep. I get this big nose from my dad.” Instead of continuing banter that is awkward, end it in a friendly way and move on.

[bluecheese452]

Another strategy is to tell them to fuck off.

[wizzwizz4]

dpark's caveat (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=45467182) applies here as well: there's a big difference between "fuck off" and "fuck off", and someone inexperienced in such conversations probably won't hit the right tone. (Especially if they've just come out of "oh no I can't think of a comeback" and are a bit stressed.)

[smcin]

"one-upping"

[boogieknite]

when i dont have a comeback i simply say, "oh no ive been owned" or something similar. the toxic male environment social equivalent of brushing yourself off and standing back up. lets them get whatever they needed from the exchange but also signals theyre not going to get a big reaction from you if they happen to be 100% bully

[goopypoop]

ur ma