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I'm in my mid thirties and I approach two decades in tech as a software engineer. This could be depression, or simply mid life crisis, but for the past year(s) I feel empty inside. I feel no sense of purpose, no direction, no goals and no desires. Looking back at my life and career, I did everything "by the book": finished school, attended college, secured a tech job, got promoted, made more money, never took debts, and have a good savings. I moved early from my parents house, was independent, had social circle of very good friends, supportive family, found a girlfriend who became my wife. I quit jobs that I did not like, was always eager to learn and grow together with the companies I worked at. Eventually I felt stuck, and so I followed the next steps in "the book": I took a sabbatical, went to travel, relocated to a different country, moved to a different style of tech company. Throughout my life and career I had followed all the supplementary steps of "the book": I worked with different therapists, was hitting the gym, started martial arts, was (mostly) healthy, never obese, never abused alcohol and never touched drugs. I have read all the classic books of finding meaning (stoicism, Man's search for meaning, philosophy, psychology etc). I go outside, spend time in nature, with people I love. I have by all definitions a "successful life". I have made it. I live in a very good country, I make decent money, I live below my means, have savings, and am surrounded by people I love and who love me. I'm privileged to travel and see the world, try different hobbies. And yet, I feel empty inside. I feel dead inside. Every day is the same. The week is just an intermediary step between weekends, some of which are somewhat exciting, while most of them just pass in a blink of an eye, and the cycle repeats. Once every few months I take a bigger vacation, which ends way faster than it should, and eventually throws me into a bigger rut (post-vacation depression?). I often think about starting from zero, but this is not realistic because of fear and because this means also breaking relationships. I think about quitting tech, but I don't know anything else, and I'm kind of dependent on my current work for my work permit. I know I'm not the only one, and I've read many people here who had similar feelings. I often ask myself "is this it? Is this what life has to offer?", and maybe it is, and I should just be grateful for what I have, but I'm not sure how to cope with the emptiness. Any advice? |
I have done a lot of historical research into the search engine industry, and recently I decided to pursue something relating to it, and everything that I do now is colored by that goal.
The goal that I have in mind has very clear motivations behind it, and a point that I am fully behind. All the little things that I do in my daily life feel like they are building towards that point. It does feel good. From what you said, it sounds like you want something like this, to be aimed towards growth and life and knowledge. To be content and striving at the same time.
You say that you “have made it,” and you are correct. What exactly have you made though? In my vision you have made a sturdy stone block with a terracotta pot sitting on it. You have made the perfect mix of soil with just the right amount of gravel for good drainage. You have placed the pot in the right lighting conditions, you have formed the soil into a perfect little mound, and you have placed a seed in it. The last frost was a couple weeks ago and it is springtime.
You say that you “often think about starting from zero,” but the reality is that you currently are at zero. The life you have built so far is the terracotta pot and you are the seed. Your task is to grow, and the only difficulty now is finding out what direction the sun is in.
P.S. If you would like, I can fill you in on the obscure things that I have discovered about search engines, and what I am aiming for.