[notrealyme123]

"by the books" seems like a recurring pattern for you. It feels for me like it is about time for you to acctually make your own decissions and also fail while doing so.

Social Pressure can be a bitch and a half. Its not like you are pushed to do something directly by others. It is just there.

And get help. Try to find a therapist who really(!) understands you. I think you will always "know the right answer" to say to make the therapist happy. Find someone who can actually look through it.