[ljm]

Friend circles can be just as bad at excluding or ostracising others in the group for the pettiest of reasons.

There’s always going to be a shot caller or instigator behind it and everyone else who is weak willed will get on board with it.

[alabastervlog]

Had a long-time friend group explode last year over this. Years of behind-their-backs shit-stirring lies by a couple members of the group finally got figured out and called out, publicly, which lit the fuse. Exact same behavior that was called out was immediately employed to try to spin that and get these people's "enemies" pushed out of the group, which was the bomb going off. About half the group survived with some scarring, the rest just shattered.

Toxic people gonna toxic.

> There’s always going to be a shot caller or instigator behind it and everyone else who is weak willed will get on board with it.

Yeah, a major factor was lots of people putting up with some real bullshit for years to try to keep the peace. That, and the ones who did try to do something about it approached the problem-people one-on-one, which just led to them being lied to ("oh no, there's no problem between us") and then smeared even harder to others, and marginalized, having no idea why any of it was happening.

[johnisgood]

That sounds extremely toxic. I would not even consider such people friends to begin with.

[3np]

I think it's a mistake beliving you can judge each persons character accurately from the beginning when entering a new social context.

[johnisgood]

I agree, although I had luck with that in my life. I know who my real friends are. I do not have many, but I feel blessed with the friends I have.

[projectazorian]

I've gotten in the habit of straight out calling out these people, including throwing them out of my house when they start down this road.

They tend to have some form of serious mental illness and/or a major substance problem they're not interested in addressing, which leads to emotional dysregulation. So not exactly great people to have around anyway.

Have I lost friends over it? Yes. But that's fine, having no friends is better than having fake friends who undermine you.

[johnisgood]

I would not punish them for having a mental illness, I am understanding of it as I have, too, but it is completely fine if you, yourself, do not want to handle or deal with it.

I tend to call people out, too. I keep the ones that take it gracefully.

Quality > quantity. :)

[projectazorian]

Yeah, I try to give people some grace but if their behavior is repeatedly disruptive over a period of months to years, eventually something has to give. Everyone needs to have some boundaries.

[quinnirill]

It’s not necessarily punishment, e.g. leaving an abusive partner is in most cases about self-preservation, and if intended as a punishment, very ineffective at that. That said, I think a lot of people who end up at the receiving end of it do tend to try to spin it as a punishment due to self-centered thinking and in order to frame themselves as the victim.

[johnisgood]

I think "punish" was the wrong word of choice here. I agree with what you said though.