[tfigueroa]

What you have here is essentially a tragedy.

I totally sympathize with the author as someone who is (probably) neurodivergent but had accommodating parents. Being given space to better understand myself and my value was integral to my success and in being ok being different.

But as a dad to a neurodivergent kid, I impose structure - sometimes to discomfort, never intentionally to pain - because structure is imposed upon us all. I mean, if I could stop time, that would fix most of the issues with my kid’s ADHD. Same if I could make less the impositions of having to do chores, or to eat, sleep, bathe. But there is no easy escape from those things. So, I impose, despite not wanting to, because the imposition is coming anyway.

[jappgar]

Yes I think this is the correct take.

"It shouldn't be this way!"

But it is. As others have said in comments, ADHD actually may be an optimization in certain environments, but do those environments actually exist in 2024? Even if they exist Are they preferable, overall, to the typical alternative?

There may be jobs that are better suited to someone with ADHD, but do they pay a living wage? Are they precarious? Are they dangerous?

Maybe those jobs "should" pay more. But, as a parent, your job is to prepare your kids for reality, not sell them a fantasy.

[dublinben]

There's no shortage of careers with fast-paced work environments requiring creative problem solving that would be well-suited to a person with ADHD.

Anything creative or artistic, healthcare, tech, sales, skilled trades, restaurants, etc.

If the "reality" you are trying to prepare your child for is becoming an accountant/banker/lawyer/bureaucrat, then you will probably all be disappointed.

[nradov]

Most people with a formal ADHD diagnosis are likely to require some medication in order to make it through the training for a career in healthcare. There is typically a lot of study and rote memorization required. Even a relatively simple job like phlebotomist requires an ability to focus and consistently follow fixed procedures without getting distracted.

[mnky9800n]

Not to nitpick but it’s 2025

[ghxst]

I sometimes look back on my childhood and think about what might have helped me beyond just having structure - which, for the record, I do agree is very important. I think the biggest thing would have been understanding earlier that I was naturally going to struggle with certain things and that it was okay to ask for help.

To be clear, I don't mean just telling a child they can blame ADHD for their difficulties. Rather, helping them recognize that ADHD is often the reason behind their struggles with certain things and encouraging them to ask people around them for reminders, support, or ways in general to create accountability.

For example, my first job, a paper route when I was ~14, was a nightmare until I asked a friend to do his at the same time as mine and pick me up. Even though we had separate routes, just knowing I had to be ready when he arrived created enough accountability that I didn’t struggle with it as much, and it didn't require me to rely on my parents to impose that structure on me.

Imposing structure is helpful, but it only lasts as long as they have someone imposing it. Ideally, they learn how to build that structure for themselves before they have to navigate everything on their own.

[wonder_er]

you're describing to me what sounds like "it would be nice to sometimes be taking seriously, be treated gently, and helped in certain ways".

Often emotional aid is simply a compassionate and present person who sometimes helps a bit. maybe doing their own thing at the same time you're doing your thing, and they know what you're doing or trying to do, and they are not evaluating you for failure but being peaceful within themselves. it's sometimes a really nice thing.

We all deserve to at least sometimes have time with people like this!

[loganc2342]

I’m with you. The author makes bold claims about not following the assumptions imposed upon you about success and productivity, but what, exactly, is the alternative? Maybe I could go live in the wilderness, hunting and foraging at my own pace, instead of the pace imposed upon me. Of course, that isn’t realistic for the vast majority of people.

> Instead of feeling bad, examine the gap between your current life and the one you yearn for.

Say, for example, my definition of fulfillment is having a large array of close friends. If I find myself distracted from or am unwilling to shower, that will drive many people off. If I miss social cues and communicate “in a different language,” so to speak, that will make it difficult to relate to people and become close with them. If I don’t let myself sleep, I’ll be robbed of the motivation and energy I need to pursue this goal or any other.

That’s just an example. But the vast majority of people, regardless of how they define fulfillment, will have to “play society’s game” to some extent.

[wonder_er]

I propose that it could be possible to reduce your imposed structure around eating, sleeping, and bathing.

Let a kid go a few days without a bath. Don't shame them if/when odors eventually emerge. At least be willing to. But I've never had issues. Same with sleeping. And the only real reason sleep is urgent is because waking up at a certain time might be urgent, but if one gets to the evening time tired, they'll take themselves to bed early.

So, I donno.

I basically think you're defending something that's not true. You _are_ imposing all of those things. There would be an easy escape from all of it, for your kid, but for you. Could you see you and the kid as working together to avoid the pressure _from the world_?

"OK, no bathing, no problem. When I don't bath I make sure to put on fresh clothes before going out the next time... usually, but absolutely not always..."

I think you are over-relying on the concept of 'authority'. "I, adult, do this to you, child, because some external authority is making me."

I don't buy it. could you get more creative? or ask them for ideas?

"sometimes I don't wanna shower either. So I don't. because I usually have the power within me to do things that I want to do only when I want to do them."

And now you might be talking (openly, without pushy energy) why you _want_ to shower. Ever. Do you always do it out of obligation exclusively? Is it sometimes relaxing or could be made more relaxing? Turning the light off and lighting a candle can make it super peaceful, and everyone deserves a few minutes of peace.

Also, sometimes we do shower out of obligation, bc we're stinky, but it's totally fine to push the distance between those showers. I've done some long times without bathing, and would feel it important to point out that it's often FINE to not bath for a day or even two, especially if fresh/clean clothing is being worn.

I could prob think of books for creative problem solving. I, personally, would start with "Legal Systems Very Different From Ours" by David Friedman. It's available for free on his website, or amazon/library/whatever. Tons of ideas of collaborative problem solving, if you go through it with the lense of sifting for ideas you might be able to implement around you, to reduce conflict/coercive energy.

good luck to us all.