[cdrini]

Very well written, and I'm sorry to hear you're struggling!

Maybe writing might be a good cathartic way to ease some of the mental pressure? Journaling is a place where you can talk about anything, so to speak.

Hmm, the bit about pain becoming a spectacle is interesting. I have one thing which I don't talk about in that realm. That's something I don't like to talk about because it's a bit to emotional/gruesome, and I don't like the idea of people finding it "interesting". Like I'm using the story as some sort of social collateral.

Anyways, if you do find you have many such things, perhaps it's worthwhile to talk to a therapist, if the finances allow. Coupled with how you've described your childhood, it seems like you have some thoughts bubbling up you want to talk about, but don't have someone to talk about them with.

[ayshazahra]

yeah you're right...I thought by sharing them among people I don't know, maybe it would help me lessen the chaos inside me. But now, I feel like I'm turning myself into a spectacle

[cdrini]

Well, perhaps, that's one way to look at it, but I don't think it's the only way. By sharing your experiences you can also help others who might be feeling the same way but who aren't able to put their thoughts/feelings as eloquently into words as you can. Avoid mentally catch-22-ing yourself into a corner where you can never take any action. I will note that reading it, it doesn't feel like you're trying to make a spectacle/grab people's attention, it seems like you're just being honest to yourself.

And I'll also add that you should prioritize what's important to you right now. If the thing you need is to share some of these thoughts, then prioritize that. If the price of that catharsis is that it feels a bit like a spectacle, then so be it.

And I'll also add that for the one thing I did have that I don't like to talk about, I did have to talk about it with someone close because it was starting to eat me up a bit.