[deanmoriarty]

I’m on the receiving end of this behavior, and even if I’m probably not representative of what’s happening to you, I will bring my data point anyway.

There are quite a non-trivial number of people who reach out to me (mostly old friends/coworkers), with whom I wouldn’t want to engage. There are multiple reasons, but it fundamentally always boils down to any social interaction with them being an opportunity for them to compare themselves with me, and making me feel inferior, by explicit comments or by some sort of virtue signaling. I’m not even sure they realize it, and it’s also possible it’s just in my head. Regardless, that’s how I feel.

I am not a complete sociopath, so just declaring upfront that I do not desire to meet with them is bad taste in my morals, so I simply ruthlessly decline every single invitation, until they get the point and stop reaching out. It’s puzzling to me how sometimes a person might reach out for YEARS before giving up (on a perhaps 2-3 month basis for 2-3 years), asking for a call or to meet up, and me every time shutting them down with “I’m busy”, “I’m traveling”, etc.

Make no mistake, if I were to “cave in” and meet them up, it would immediately be an opportunity for them to flaunt their financial/marital/career/athletic success in front of me, by comparing themselves to me, so no, no pity. Example: a “friend” who made $20M from an extremely lucky IPO had the nerve to tell me “why don’t you just pick a good company that’s going to IPO soon and make a lot of money like me? A couple years and then you’re done, it’s easy”. No shit lol. This is a person who insisted for YEARS to meet up, after I started the process of declining any invitation. Fortunately he seems to have moved on now, but never say never.

[bilsbie]

Just some feedback. I consider this a normal part of catching up after a long period of time. They just don’t want you to think they’re not successful.

I just let them share some victories and once they feel they’ve impressed me enough they drop that act and the interactions normalize.

[_yb2s]

It seems surprising to me that you are saying you have this issue with a lot of people, when I find this type of behavior to be fairly rare- although I agree it can be really obnoxious when it happens. I could be wrong about this, but is it possible that you are the one doing the comparing, and not them?

Do you feel that you are doing how you want in life, or that you aren't successful enough, and feel triggered or self conscious about other people doing well in general?

For example with the person you mentioned, why don't you get involved with a high risk high reward startup? I know for me, I am a parent so my financial risk tolerance is too low for that, and I'm more driven by intellectual freedom and working on specific things I am interested in rather than trying to get rich quick. I also personally enjoy simple living, and already live exactly how I want to live- I wouldn't choose to change my lifestyle with more money in the bank, so what would be the point? It's just not something I want to do, but I don't mind if a friend does and it pays out for them!

I want all of my friends to really thrive, and don't see life as a competition or zero-sum game. If someone is doing better than me at something, that is one less thing for us as a team to worry about- and maybe it will give them the time, energy, or wisdom to also help me to thrive more. I want to hear everything I can about how well they are doing, really celebrate it with them, and will be open to advice on how I might do the same. Personally, my main hobby is sailing, and most of my sailing friends are much much wealthier than I am. This doesn't really bother me, because I made choices in life that don't really lead to that kind of wealth- based on my own priorities, but I feel I am successful based on what I actually want out of life.

I really really don't want to be a person that has a crab in the bucket mentality - so consciously aim to be someone that isn't like that, and can enjoy other peoples success.

[deanmoriarty]

> but is it possible that you are the one doing the comparing, and not them?

> Do you feel that you are doing how you want in life, or that you aren't successful enough, and feel triggered or self conscious about other people doing well in general?

I have asked myself these questions many times, and I do think I have been fairly exhaustive in my introspection.

I genuinely think that a good number of people who reach out to me do so purely to lift themselves up, by comparing themselves with me on certain dimensions.

I am never the person initiating extremely violating questions such as: “How much do you make? How big is your house? Which neighborhood do you live in? Do you own or rent? How much can you squat? Based on your years of experience, your net worth should be in this ballpark, am I correct?” Etc etc.

No, I do not compare myself to others, I genuinely wouldn’t want what they have, in the dimensions that they are comparing themselves with me.

Could I be a person of extreme virtue and continue interacting with these people? Of course I could, but why should I, if it makes me unhappy? I am happy not to interact with them, there is nothing I need to change.

I have several relationships that work exactly like what you described (especially family, significant other, childhood friends), and I cherish those.