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It seems surprising to me that you are saying you have this issue with a lot of people, when I find this type of behavior to be fairly rare- although I agree it can be really obnoxious when it happens. I could be wrong about this, but is it possible that you are the one doing the comparing, and not them? Do you feel that you are doing how you want in life, or that you aren't successful enough, and feel triggered or self conscious about other people doing well in general? For example with the person you mentioned, why don't you get involved with a high risk high reward startup? I know for me, I am a parent so my financial risk tolerance is too low for that, and I'm more driven by intellectual freedom and working on specific things I am interested in rather than trying to get rich quick. I also personally enjoy simple living, and already live exactly how I want to live- I wouldn't choose to change my lifestyle with more money in the bank, so what would be the point? It's just not something I want to do, but I don't mind if a friend does and it pays out for them! I want all of my friends to really thrive, and don't see life as a competition or zero-sum game. If someone is doing better than me at something, that is one less thing for us as a team to worry about- and maybe it will give them the time, energy, or wisdom to also help me to thrive more. I want to hear everything I can about how well they are doing, really celebrate it with them, and will be open to advice on how I might do the same. Personally, my main hobby is sailing, and most of my sailing friends are much much wealthier than I am. This doesn't really bother me, because I made choices in life that don't really lead to that kind of wealth- based on my own priorities, but I feel I am successful based on what I actually want out of life. I really really don't want to be a person that has a crab in the bucket mentality - so consciously aim to be someone that isn't like that, and can enjoy other peoples success. |
> Do you feel that you are doing how you want in life, or that you aren't successful enough, and feel triggered or self conscious about other people doing well in general?
I have asked myself these questions many times, and I do think I have been fairly exhaustive in my introspection.
I genuinely think that a good number of people who reach out to me do so purely to lift themselves up, by comparing themselves with me on certain dimensions.
I am never the person initiating extremely violating questions such as: “How much do you make? How big is your house? Which neighborhood do you live in? Do you own or rent? How much can you squat? Based on your years of experience, your net worth should be in this ballpark, am I correct?” Etc etc.
No, I do not compare myself to others, I genuinely wouldn’t want what they have, in the dimensions that they are comparing themselves with me.
Could I be a person of extreme virtue and continue interacting with these people? Of course I could, but why should I, if it makes me unhappy? I am happy not to interact with them, there is nothing I need to change.
I have several relationships that work exactly like what you described (especially family, significant other, childhood friends), and I cherish those.