[dailykoder]

I know this and I have learned more than enough about it to internalize it, but it just doesn't work. I can't find a way to stop the automatic jumping to conclusion and self blame.

It takes hours to get over it and that's exhausting. I am trying for years to find a way out, but it just hasn't internalized yet

[nicbou]

I have the same problem and I made a lot of progress this year and the last. A few things that help in no particular order:

- Write things down. Over time you start noticing patterns that help you diagnose and fix the issue. I particularly love the post-mortem when returning from a house party, and how batshit itsane it reads 5 days later. I also have a play-by-play diary of me thinking I was misreading a person's intentions and agonising over every interaction. We've been together for a few years. It's fun to rewind the tape and laugh at your own irrationality.

- Treat your overreaction to social cues as irrational, and deal with it accordingly. Every Spring, my body tells me that grass pollen will kill me (hay fever), but I just ignore that signal as irrational. I now handle my hasty conclusions the same way.

- Indifference is the default. Most people won't be excited about you, but they're a very long way from disliking you. A lack of enthusiasm does not mean anything about you.

- Talk to others about it. When I started talking about my insecurities to close friends, they told me just how wrong I was, with lots of backing evidence. They were genuinely surprised that I thought any of those things. It's a bit like how a friend of mine was super self-conscious about something on his face, and a year in, I had never even noticed it.

[grvdrm]

> Treat your overreaction to social cues as irrational, and deal with it accordingly.

This is so smart.

Even broader, take your overreactions to most things as irrational. I am using this recently to rewire myself on all sorts of things and it's quite transformative.

[nicbou]

Journaling helps a lot with that because you catch yourself writing about the same emotions in the same contexts. The predictability of it makes it easier to process rationally.

[andruby]

Any tips for the person on the other side?

I often mention something without implying blame (or even assuming blame), but it’s still processed that way.

I’m trying to be conscious of this though.

[lynx23]

I have given up on people that can not process criticism. Its a vital aspect of working together, or even just living together. If everything I say is put on a scale, I simply dont interact with such people anymore. If you can't take criticism without the blame-game, you're not worth my time and effort.

[fragmede]

> If you can't take criticism without the blame-game, you're not worth my time and effort.

QFT

[willismichael]

Quantum Fourier Transform?

[lynx23]

I had to Google as well. Quantenfeldtheorie is what came up for me, because Google insists it needs to show me german pages first... But I think what was actually ment is "Quoted For Truth"?

[fragmede]

quoted for truth

[radlad]

Hard to say exactly what you're dealing with, but you could take a look at Nonviolent Communication.

[dailykoder]

I don't think there is much you can do. Everyone has different trigger points and a different past. Personally I often feel misunderstood or not taken seriously. So from my point of view just be genuine, maybe paraphrase what you heard (just a tiny bit) and the usual "start with something positive first". The latter can be hard for me too though because then I might think "no they can't have such a positive view of me" - it's complicated and I even have a hard time explaining it.

So no real tips, sorry. "we" just have to learn how to live with it ourselves

[detourdog]

If this is a consistent person in your life or a partner. The communication has to improve. Improving communication maybe impossible but I think it’s the only way.

[detourdog]

What one has to figure out is where this pattern developed (most likely childhood). Once I can internalize why my emotions develop I experience a distance from the current situation. The distance removes the emotional reaction leaving me with an intellectual understanding.