[lolinder]

In my own experience and watching similar things play out with friends and family, compulsive gaming of the kind you're describing (assuming you're not exaggerating) is almost always covering for some kind of stress or anxiety. More specifically, the most common cases where I've seen this kind of behavior have been with kids whose parents were overprotective and constantly managing their business while they were growing up.

I'm going to be brutally honest here because you seem to be open to it: Kids who reach adulthood without any practice adulting tend to become overwhelmed by the sudden onset of real responsibility, and it's not uncommon for that to lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms, with video games being one of the most benign. In this context, since you're asking and clearly still extremely involved in your adult child's life, I strongly suspect that this is exactly what's going on here (though obviously I could be wrong!).

If I'm right, managing their life for them and trying to solve their problems with university will provide a band-aid, but won't address the root of the problem. You might get them through uni and have them fall apart when they get into a career or a relationship. At this point you have to let go—it's too late to make the transition to adulthood smooth, but better a bumpy transition at 19 than complete failure to launch.

[throwawayigd]

> parents were overprotective and constantly managing their business while they were growing up.

Not sure if we were overprotective, but sometimes self-evaluation is not accurate. I have heard them express continually that they want to manage their life and push back on help. So, perhaps we were.

[lolinder]

I obviously don't have any context beyond what you've given, but these are the red flags to me that suggest that you've been too involved:

* How did they get into the top tier school? Did they lose a work ethic that they had in high school or did they get good grades without developing a work ethic?

* Why do you know their grades? As a reference point, my parents never had cause to know my grades in college.

* This is more minor, but the fact that you identify a behavioral pattern as a disorder is concerning to me. The proliferation of the word "disorder" to describe every bad behavior is correlated in my head with a tendency among modern parents to shield their children from responsibility for their actions.

I don't want to go dredging up the past except insofar as it's useful for improving the future—there's no need to go back and kick yourselves for anything that's done and gone. That said, what I'm hearing suggests that in the present you're more involved in your adult child's life than is healthy, and that's something that can be addressed now.

[reaperman]

> Why do you know their grades? As a reference point, my parents never had cause to know my grades in college.

A lot of parents contribute financial support to their college students and therefore feel they have a vested interest in knowing their childrens' grades.

[lolinder]

And frankly I think that that monetary contribution is part of the problem. Not that any one parent can solve it by stemming the flow, but all the money that flows into the college system that isn't contributed by the financially insecure young adults who college is ostensibly marketed to inflates the cost for everyone else who doesn't have wealthy parents.

Aside from the obvious problems this causes for affordability, this also causes young adults continue to be dependent on their parents well into adulthood, leading to the problems manifested here.

I don't expect any one set of parents to pull the plug (though we're absolutely going to do that and encourage our kids to go to state schools that they can afford or have a really solid plan for paying down the debt). However, I would definitely suggest that parents consider that paying huge amounts of money to get your kid through a top-to-tier school doesn't actually give them a leg up if you deprive them of entering adulthood until years later than their less-wealthy peers.

[wackycat]

You would think part of the willingness to contribute financial support would stem from trust. I was fortunate enough to have my parent's financial support and they never asked about my grades.

[invalidOrTaken]

if it helps, my parents were not overprotective, and I was in a similar place when I was 19

[royaltjames]

Same here, and in some ways still am. Mine was abuse-filled with a lot of neglect.

[lolinder]

Abuse and neglect are definitely another way to end up with severe anxiety and stress that gets masked by compulsive video game use. I didn't dwell on that because I haven't seen it as often and because the little evidence I have suggests that no one could accuse the original poster of neglect.

[markus_zhang]

I can relate. I have been there. My parents made all decisions for me pre university and they had to let it go. Then hell broke and I didn't even got my diploma.

I don't think I ever recovered from that (now 40+). Once the damage has been done that's it for the whole life, however hard one tries, because you can't work hard for unknown objectives.

Right now I have everything clicked, family, good work, etc. But there is always a hole.

OP should aggressively pull back their support. Kick him out of home and let him feed himself. He will have to work and spend less on games. That's the only way to heal.

[HenryBemis]

This. When someone has to do their own laundry, and get a job that will keep them busy 8h-10h per day in order to pay rent, etc. the gears shift, priorities change. Even if he/she manages to find a flatmate (or become someone's flatmate) for lower cost of living, the reality will catch up with him/her (I'm not a pronouns-warrior, it's just the term "child" that is purposely vague).

I've been through my Diablo2, then MUD, then WoW addictions and I know the story from the inside. A j-o-b is the path forward.

Also, as Dave Ramsey frequently says, "don't give a drunk a drink", so.. do the thing that hurts-but-helps and cut him/her off (but do stay close and vigilant).

Also.. talk to some specialists/therapists with experience, they may also have some helpful (clinical/hands-on tips).

[mettamage]

I'm a counter example to this. I've stayed for a long time at my parents. I also had gaming addiction. My parents let me do whatever I wanted. In part, this was because they recognized that they didn't have the knowledge or wisdom to tell me what to do. All they could do was to provide me: love, food and a roof over my head. We all knew this.

One big difference though is that I come from a family of abuse and they scared the living hell out of me by showcasing all the addicts in our family and their educational obtainment. So for me, school was a flight to safety, despite being game addicted as well. At the time, game addiction wasn't a well understood thing. I barely scraped by in high school, but I got into university.

University felt much more like a game to me anyway, so I decided to gamify it and make a whole game out of it. Then studying at university became my addiction.

Oh, and I was still living at home all this time.

[gpjt]

For me, the OP's use of the word "child" to describe a 19-year-old seems to bolster your point. If a parent automatically uses that word (rather than the more age-neutral "son" or something similar) it makes me think they're infantilising the person in question.

[elefanten]

Fair point, though the post is written in gender neutral language, perhaps to shield privacy. In that context, “child” is probably the most natural word to use?

[jay_kyburz]

I had a similar reaction, but on reflection, I think if I were trying to describe my relationship with adults I am a parent of, I would still have to describe them as children.

[theGnuMe]

Adult children is the vernacular.

[Daviey]

And the inverse is?

I don't think I agree that this is common language.

The simple form of relationship is "our children" or "my parents", clarifying the age bracket isn't normally used. I say this as someone with 2 children, one is 19.

In some contexts I may describe my parents as "my elderly parents", but only if the age context is relevant.

[dgfitz]

> And the inverse is?

Infant? Toddler? Young child? Tween? Teenager?

Really?

[aeonik]

Offspring is the word I would use. I use the word Spawn in casual settings though.

[throwawayigd]

the word "child" was used since I wanted to use a gender neutral language and "offspring" is not a word that came to mind. "kid" would have been equally bad.

[coffeeman6]

I think they are going for gender neutral language.

[HenryBemis]

I will take the word "child" from the context that "hey I'm the parent, they are the child".

Also, I'm over 40, and I can say that at 19 I thought I was god/king/etc. and looking bad I am thinking that "damn I was soooOOOOOooo stupid!!". So yeah, at 19 kids are still morons. They may get some things right, but hey, there is a reason that many of us feel that we are (still) learning and (still) have a lot to learn about life at our 40s, 50s, 60s.