[lolinder]

I obviously don't have any context beyond what you've given, but these are the red flags to me that suggest that you've been too involved:

* How did they get into the top tier school? Did they lose a work ethic that they had in high school or did they get good grades without developing a work ethic?

* Why do you know their grades? As a reference point, my parents never had cause to know my grades in college.

* This is more minor, but the fact that you identify a behavioral pattern as a disorder is concerning to me. The proliferation of the word "disorder" to describe every bad behavior is correlated in my head with a tendency among modern parents to shield their children from responsibility for their actions.

I don't want to go dredging up the past except insofar as it's useful for improving the future—there's no need to go back and kick yourselves for anything that's done and gone. That said, what I'm hearing suggests that in the present you're more involved in your adult child's life than is healthy, and that's something that can be addressed now.

[reaperman]

> Why do you know their grades? As a reference point, my parents never had cause to know my grades in college.

A lot of parents contribute financial support to their college students and therefore feel they have a vested interest in knowing their childrens' grades.

[lolinder]

And frankly I think that that monetary contribution is part of the problem. Not that any one parent can solve it by stemming the flow, but all the money that flows into the college system that isn't contributed by the financially insecure young adults who college is ostensibly marketed to inflates the cost for everyone else who doesn't have wealthy parents.

Aside from the obvious problems this causes for affordability, this also causes young adults continue to be dependent on their parents well into adulthood, leading to the problems manifested here.

I don't expect any one set of parents to pull the plug (though we're absolutely going to do that and encourage our kids to go to state schools that they can afford or have a really solid plan for paying down the debt). However, I would definitely suggest that parents consider that paying huge amounts of money to get your kid through a top-to-tier school doesn't actually give them a leg up if you deprive them of entering adulthood until years later than their less-wealthy peers.

[wackycat]

You would think part of the willingness to contribute financial support would stem from trust. I was fortunate enough to have my parent's financial support and they never asked about my grades.