Tell HN: I'm sick of being delusional, confused, self-critical, overly sensitive

[throwaway9289]

Life is full of beautiful and interesting things.

Many things excite me, but probably a little too much. I get excited, get carried away dreaming about it, then when it comes to putting in the actual work, I get disappointed that I'm nowhere near where I want to be.

People tell me I am better than I think I am. They say I'm smart, talented, whatever. I don't always believe them, but sometimes I can get over it and start to build some confidence in myself or my work.

Sometimes I'm finally able to build enough confidence and start to put myself and my work out there for the world to see. Then I get overly sensitive when the "numbers" don't live up to my expectations. Utterly devastated. The worse feeling of rejection, straight through the heart.

I try to manage my expectations. I've learned a lot over the years. But my sense of self is so fragile that I become increasingly self-critical and dismiss all my efforts as mere delusions.

I start to believe I'm delusional, I doubt my dreams, doubt my experiences, doubt everything. I cringe at myself and throw what I had loved out the window. Then I sit there idly for months or sometimes years, trying to bear the pain of emptiness.

Eventually something else draws me in. I become fascinated again and life is exciting again. I believe in the beauty of life again, and sometimes I believe in myself again.

But the cycle just repeats itself. The delusion, the self-doubt, the rejection sensitivity, the confusion.

How will the world ever see value in someone like me with only half-baked ideas and grandiose delusions. Someone who doesn't have a solid body of work or some kind of reputation.

The world doesn't want people like me that don't know what they want.

How will the world believe in me, when I don't believe in myself.

[acupofnope]

Why do you think you have to have a “a solid body of work or some kind of reputation” to have a value?

Have you spoken to someone about this, like a therapist? (P.s. I’ve been through something similar)

[PaulHoule]

I second this.

Usually when I see someone who has mental health challenges on HN my advice is something like: "go see your primary care physician and see if you can get an antidepressant prescription, do as much cardio exercise as you can, develop your social supports" That's because frequently I can point out enough symptoms of depression to justify the dx. In this case I can't quite.

The word "delusion" though bothers me and, the OP is using it accurately, it could be a sign of something more serious (though I'd think most delusional people would not describe themselves as suffering from delusions; when I was under the influence of a system of delusions I was insufferable and it took about six weeks of tough love from a close friend and some misadventures right out of Don Quixote for me to snap out of it)

In this case I'd recommend talk therapy. In 2024 waiting lists are long. A close associate of mine started therapy recently and took about three months to get an appointment, so he should start now. He can probably get something in person but there are also online services like BetterHelp.

The OP might still want to see their PCP, it is not bad to get his thyroid checked and might still want to try some medication. If he does he should expect to have several contacts (maybe over the phone) with his doc to vary the dose and maybe try something different. In his case I'd want to watch carefully in case symptoms got worse. A primary care doc can also give a referral to a talk therapist (could be a psychologist, social worker, pastoral counselor, ...) or to a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner (expert in prescribing medications for people with severe mental health issues)

[throwaway9289]

Sorry I definitely don't mean delusional in the psychiatric way. I just mean naively hopeful and always getting too ahead of myself.

[throwaway9289]

Because folks don't take you seriously otherwise. The barrier to entry to everything nowadays is "how many followers do you have" or something of that sort. And I don't want to play the game of making content for the sake of it, making content to impress people. I want to make what I want to make, the things I love, the things that excite me in the first place, otherwise what's the point.

Yeah I've had therapy. My mental health is a ton better than it used to be. It's how I could even be pursuing the things I'm pursuing now. It just gets especially hard when I'm trying to make things happen and it feels like there's so much holding me back.

[acupofnope]

> The barrier to entry to everything nowadays is "how many followers do you have" or something of that sort.

This is surprising to me. I don’t want to presume but I wonder if part of the pain you’re feeling is induced by the environment you’re in.

[cen4]

Don't chase "numbers". Chase people. Find people who are doing something that excites you (or overlaps with your interests), and find ways to connect. Such people will lift you up in ways numbers never will.

[throwaway9289]

I don't disagree at all, but so far I've had little luck because most folks don't take my seriously because of my lack of "credentials".

And the thing is I don't disagree with them necessarily. I understand I have my own work to do, but that's the hardest part for me personally, having enough drive or whatever to build myself up in the first place.

[cen4]

There are ways to get in the door even if you don't have credentials. Who you are surrounded by and interact with day in day out, can drastically change whatever trajectory you are on. So if you spot interesting people. Reach out and find a way to work with them. I got my first job in a research lab full of PhDs not because I had anywhere close to the credentials they had. But cause they needed someone to move equipment around campus. And the only reason they remembered me, was cuz I kept calling them asking for work and showing interest in what they were all individually up to. Ended up writing code for them and named in many of their published papers. Similarly I got a job at a startup, not through their regular interview process, but because I mailed the CEO telling him I had a few hours to spare every week, and whether they had any small tasks I could work on that no one has time for (startups always have a huge list of things to do that no one has time for). I did that for 2 weeks before they offered me a full time job. So get creative. Keep your eyes open for interesting environments. And make contact even if you don't have credentials show genuine interest in them and their work. Sooner or later someone will invite you in.